Child safeguarding concerns - please help

[AlisonDonaldson]

Have name changed. Please be gentle with me.

I am NC with my brother for various reasons. He has a long and varied history of violence and abuse but has stayed under the police radar in the main as most of his abuse has been directed towards family members, who don't report him.

When I was 9, my brother helped his friend to groom me for sexual abuse, and watched & laughed while the assault took place.

I didn't tell anyone for almost 30 years until I confided in DH one day. No-one else knows.

My brother was also frequently inappropriate with me and my sister when we were kids: he used to persuade us to play sexual 'games' such as pretending to breastfeed him or showing him our genitals.

What keeps me awake at nights is the fact that both men, my brother and his former friend, now both have young daughters and resident step-daughters.

What would people do in this situation? Ring the local council safeguarding team and ask to remain anonymous? I couldn't handle the police turning up on my doorstep, questioning me about it.

My brother is getting married in a few months time and I know that if the police start investigating him now, he will know I reported him and he will start harassing me.

I'm so confused. What would you do? Please don't have a go at me for never having reported it - I know it's awful and if either of them have abused any of those little girls I may be partly to blame.

I'm not sure when/if I will have the courage to come back and look at replies so please bear with me.

Thank you.

[NinahH]

`You could report anonymously. The NSPCC have a helpline for this.

[NinahH]

Please bear in mind you have done NOTHING wrong.

[OlennasWimple]

As Ninah says, the NSPCC have an anonymous helpline. You can also make anonymous reports to the relevant social services department, or go to a police station if that would make you feel more in control

[hellsbellsmelons]

I was going to suggest the NSPCC as well.

NONE of what these vile men do now is in any way your fault.
Do not for one second think like that.
You were young he was your brother.
They are responsible for their own behaviour.

Try NSPCC first and see what they suggest.

You were very brave telling your DH.
Have you had counselling or therapy for any of this?
It's horrendous what you went through and I'm so sorry.

[Clockwatch]

You are so brave.
Be anonymous.
Some counties have a MASH safeguarding hub type thing - ring 101 and ask them.

You MUST report this. No-one will know it is you.
Good luck.

[SlB09]

Report your concerns to your local safeguarding team, details will be on the councils website. They may ask you if you know of any actual incidents or examples for their children, but just explain why your concerned and they can then decide what to do from there, they are the specialists in this area and the best thing you can do for those children and yourself is to let them know. Be kind to yourself, this is absolutely not your fault, access counselling if you think it would be beneficial. Best of luck with your future x

[AlisonDonaldson]

Thank you all so much for replying. I will think about ringing the NSPCC line.

I think i am OK. It took me many years to even realise it was abuse. For a long time I just thought "I let X do X to me" or "I did XYZ with X". It was shortly before I told DH that I realised it was actually grooming and assault.

I am going to try to ring the helpline but not today.

Thank you all so much.

[Astro55]

Have you discussed this with your sister? How does she feel about reporting it together?

Do you still see him?

[AlisonDonaldson]

I have been NC with my brother for a few years now - at his instigation. Every few years he gets angry with me about something and cuts off contact. I'm ready to cut him out of my life completely but our mum can't accept this and constantly harangues me to reunite with him. I'm currently NC with her over it. He is getting married soon and has invited my son to his wedding but not me or DH!

My sister and I have never discussed any of it. She was much younger than us and I don't want to make her remember things that she may have completely buried.

[splendidglenda]

I can't imagine how awful it must feel to go through this again. You are very brave though. Don't underestimate that strength

[OnTheRise]

I'd speak to the NSPCC but I'd also consider reporting him to the police. I know it might complicate things for you for a while, but he really should be investigated for this. Vile man. I'm so sorry he did this to you. You did nothing to deserve it.

[AlisonDonaldson]

I am worried about the fall-out of reporting it. My brother's ex-wife is currently being harassed by him and I don't want to make things worse for her. When they first split, he was only allowed supervised access at first, and then when he moved in with his girlfriend, as part of the court process to allow him to have them overnight, social services had to assess the GF's home first and he became very, very angry about this and made threats (which she very sensibly reported to the police). She has had such a terrible time with him that I don't want to make her life harder.

After posting here yesterday, I realised that I have never processed the abuse properly. I blanked it out for years. Bringing it all out into the open will be so hard.

Many heartfelt thanks to all who have replied.

[FinallyHere]

Bringing it out in the open will be so hard

I am so sorry you have been put through this. I hope you find the right resources to help you process this properly, to free yourself from the horrible experiences which were absolutely.nothing.to.do.with.you and not.in.any.way.your fault.