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Demanding, moody unfair(?) boyfriend(43 Posts)
New to mumsnet. Not even sure if I'm in the right place, so please bear with me. Sorry for the long post.....
I am 25 and have been with my boyfriend (also 25) for almost 3 years now. I do love him and up until recently was still very much set on marrying this man and spending the rest of my life with him, but I am seriously beginning to consider my future with him as life is so miserable and does not seem to be getting any better for either of us.
We have emotionally been through an awful lot together and our relationship has already been tested past what some marriages have to deal with. Job losses, relocations, serious financial issues, depression and anxiety but one of the worst is my parents going through an ugly divorce whilst my BF was still in business with my dad. And then that business catastrophically failing (due to my fathers lies). A show of my boyfriends character is that he somehow still somehow manages to 'get along' with my Dad after all this, yet I am no longer speaking to my father anymore. So he is a good guy who wants like to be easy and happy deep down, but his behaviour and attitude towards me in our home is spiralling by the day.
In short, my BF is depressed and has been since he lost his dream job 2 years ago. I have tried supporting him in all the ways he asks, but it is never enough. I have tried over and over and over to get him to go to the doctors, therapy or other treatments and he outright refuses to go and insists with my love he can deal with it on his own. I cook, clean, am a supporting ear when he's down (which is literally all the time), I lie with him, hold him tight, make him feel safe and try to organise life so that he is always involved and not sitting around stewing on his own. But whenever my actions don't 'fix' things or make him feel better, the negative feeling around then entirely becomes my fault and nothing to do with the original problem anymore. He blames, points the finger and ignores his part in arguments. He is so insecure, lost and needs constant validation but at the same time has an opinion on everyone else choices and why they are wrong (and why his way would be right).
He has been through several jobs in the time we have been together and aside from the one mentioned previously, has never been happy or even remotely satisfied in any of them. Everyone does it wrong or doesn't understand or doesn't value or appreciate him. He ignores the fact that his time keeping is appalling - he is consistently later for any and everything and his manner can come across as either totally unreadable or standoffish and know-it-all. Even I, the woman who knows him best and his true intentions can see he off-puts people with his directness sometimes.
I am starting to feel like I am going insane with listening to him whine about tiny, inconsequential issues about his job for hours on end every night. He whinges that the girl who is his boss isn't qualified, sits there and does no work all day and expects him to produce. He goes on about how there is no structure in his department. He does on about how the free gourmet coffee they have on tap 'isn't actually gourmet'. We all support and listen to our partners to do with work issues, but the level of detail he gives every single night over such small issues makes me want to smash my own head against a wall. He is moody, miserable, negative and glass half full about everything in life and his constant outpouring of this onto me is seriously starting to affect me.
I have tried explaining this to him, numerous times and in numerous way but it always comes back that I am not being supportive enough and thats the reason that he/we still have issues. I have tried suggesting that we limit work talk to half an hour when we get in and then discuss other things. He agreed to this to only then totally break it in within the half hour and when I pointed this out he responded by mooching around in a slump, basically making the whole environment feel awkward to be able to continue talking about anything at all, job or otherwise. Unfortunately, he also get very angry and at times scares me when I react in a way he doesn't like or doesn't tend to his needs. Even something as small as he's rude to me and I call him out on his behaviour can cause horrible awful downward spirals that last for days, sometimes weeks.
As I think most of his stress stems from work issues, I try helping him find new roles to apply for or new companies to approach. But he never actually does anything about them unless I repeatedly ask him to, and then the problem becomes that I am 'nagging' instead of the original issue of him wanting a new job. I have tried suggesting he set up his own business as this has always been a want and passion of his (thinking he may be happier being his own boss). In the past, I've said how my wage could support the two of us and he wanted to go ahead and do this then I would 100% support him. He tells me he doesn't know what he's doing yet and needs more time to learn - which entirely contradicts his 'I know everything better than everyone else' attitude and confuses me further- but I dare not call him out on it in fear of another huge argument happening over a simple question.
This has been going on for a very long time now, and the constant pressure of it all is getting to me. It wasn't so bad until I lost my job last week. Before then, although my job was far higher pressure than his, I could hold it all together. But now, I am personally going through being unemployed for the first time in 5 years and I am really struggling myself to stay strong and resilient. I think I'd be ok and be coping a lot better if my BF wasn't still expecting me to be his total rock and emotional support.
His attitude to me losing me job on the day was amazing and I thought he might finally cut me some slack and realise I'm weak right now and need some love and support myself. But since the day of me losing my job, he hasn't even asked me how I'm feeling never mind tried to perk me up or make me feel any better. In fact, he has continued to tell me that my efforts to support him are not good enough and has started threatening walking out and that I will lose him if I don't show him more love.
I fell in love with a happy, go getting, enthusiastic, warm, funny and thoughtful man. Now I do not recognise him and no matter what I try, I can never seem to do anything right or big enough to make a difference. I know no one is perfect, and there are definitely things I haven't handled the best way, but 90% of the time that is due to the anxiety and stress that my 'support' is not adequate and fear of what will happen next. I am currently on beta blockers for my anxiety, but sometimes our arguments send me over the edge into full scale, very dramatic panic attacks. More recently, I have actually been going unintentionally further, getting embarrassingly hysterical and screaming. It is only at this point he drops his guard, calms down himself and realises how upset I am and tends to me. The moment my breathing calms down, he is straight back into his making his points again.
If I'm honest I feel like I am stuck in a depressing, 25 year old marriage (we are not married) and starting to feel like I would be better off not being here anymore. But I know for a fact I love him to pieces and would be absolutely heartbroken if we broke up. He is my soulmate. And I know that if he was to really be honest and open up he'd be appalled and ashamed of his behaviour too. He's just so focussed on his own negativity and I don't know what to do anymore.
There has to be more to life than this.
I stopped reading after the second para, no offence but you need to get away form this soul destroying, life draining parasite; sorry but he is and is using you to prep up his own ego.
Date him then if you can't bear to be apart; at the moment you are his rescuer; a martyr; and for what, did you sign up for that, no.
If this was your daughter stuck in this horrible situation, what would you tell her?
There is more to life that that....
Without sounding really harsh why are you still with him?
I know it's not a popular decision to leave someone when they are at a low point. But providing what you have said is accurate and a fair description it seems you have given this guy all of you and he's still moaning that it's not enough and now sort of emotionally blackmailing you with the threats to leave.
It doesn't sound like your getting anything out of this relationship and you're too young to waste it on someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
Leave him and get on with the rest of your life.
I have tried over and over and over to get him to go to the doctors, therapy or other treatments and he outright refuses to go and insists with my love he can deal with it on his own.
So he won't go to GP, won't get any therapy and has just transferred ALL the pressure to you to 'fix' him.
How totally unfair and unreasonable. And selfish of him.
How you have put up with this for so long makes you a much nicer person than I am! Seriously though, ask him to get himself sorted out professionally or ask him to leave. Yes, of course we all want to support our DPs but you alone are not responsible for his mental health, and he is not taking any responsibility at all. Not even making an effort.
I hope things get better, but I really wouldn't advise marrying him if he can't cope with daily life (and financial pressures/job losses etc are just part of daily life). You don't need to have him sucking the life out of you for ever.
I also came to this conclusion very early on in your OP. LEAVE. You have no kids together, you're not married (DO NOT MARRY HIM) and you can end this, and you should. You're 25 ffs, you don't have to be stuck in this horrible relationship that, quite frankly, will suck every bit of life and happiness out of you. If I could tell my 25 year old self to do this I would!!!! Get out now away from this horrible abusive man child.
Relationships are about give and take. When someone constantly takes and gives nothing back, it is exhausting. Why are you even considering marrying this whiny little mummy's boy?! He wants you to ''Fix'' him - it is not your job to fix him, he is a grown man. He needs to take responsibility for himself, his own actions and just grow the eff up! Seriously lovely, you need to ask yourself why you are with this so called man. I would really think about making a lifelong commitment to this man child because it sounds to me like he just drains you emotionally and gives you nothing in return.
I think this is the the man you fell in love with just that he hid it from you while courting your love.
Chakka, please listen to me. I did exactly the same with a very similar person and I am now 21 years down the line with someone who is still "exactly the same" except you can now add a couple of emotional affairs in when he was feeling a bit lonely or unappreciated. This is what the guys personality "is" --what you saw initially was his "impress and attract" personality. In my case lasted about 4-6 years. It is ilfe draining, its like being with a young Victor Meldrew and if you have kids it gets worse. I actually think they need to be with someone who tells them to shape up or ship out and yet they seem to go for people pleasers, nice kind partners like me and you who put up with this crap for years. Do yourself a big kind favour, get out now before you look at yourself in 20 years and think WTF!!!
At 25 you really don't this level of crap.
End it and start enjoying life again. Not every relationship has to end in wedding bells and happy ever after!
I was sympathetic to you both at first, as I know dealing with depression can be hard, but then I read this:
Unfortunately, he also get very angry and at times scares me when I react in a way he doesn't like or doesn't tend to his needs.
You should never, ever feel scared of your partner in this way. If he is becoming aggressive because things don't go his way, and taking it out on you, then he needs to get help pronto.
Perhaps a trial separation is due? So he can experience what life would be like without you? That might prompt him to get professional help?
Your life will continue to get worse if you stay with him. Get out and live.
I agree you shouldn't be afraid of your partner x
Christ on a bike! Get away from this person!
Please, please leave. Can you move back in with your mum? Get out, this man is a soul-destroying parasite. You can do so much better and you have your entire life ahead of you.
Please move out, move back in with your mum, concentrate on yourself and getting your mental health back up. Don't panic about finding a new job ASAP - take some time to take care of yourself. When you have a new job, save up and move into a little place of your own. Trust me, you will never look back.
What do you get out of this relationship now?.
You would be far better off out of this; you are simply being dragged down with him into his pit. You have become by default his emotional punchbag and therapist. He has and will continue to refuse to see anyone professional so he unfairly puts the burden on you. Small wonder therefore you are on beta blockers; he is the root cause of you taking these in the first place. He is using you and sadly up till now you have allowed him.
You are also speaking for him in this comment:-
"And I know that if he was to really be honest and open up he'd be appalled and ashamed of his behaviour too"
Really? He has really not shown any evidence of that to date has he. Also you cannot speak for him, you are not responsible for another person.
This is no life for you and if you think this man is your soulmate as well, it makes me wonder how low your relationship bar actually is. Take it from me that its still way too low and he has taken full advantage of your innate kindness along with any people pleasing and or rescuing/fixing tendencies you have. This is a dysfunctional and codependent relationship, not at all a mutually loving one.
It sounds exhausting and draining. Imagine another 10 years.....
Its interesting Attila what you say about "speaking for him" I thought my husband would be appalled and ashamed when I discovered his old emotional affairs. Well if he is, hes hiding it well and not communicating that to me verbally. So I have learnt, never "presume" how someone will react or how they are thinking.
Leave him now - he is an emotional parasite. You are young - you could have years of happiness ahead of you. And whatever you do, don't have children with this man who is frightening you with his behaviour!
OP, your relationship is codependence personified. You are not responsible for your partner - a grown-ass man (though apparently not given his behaviour). If he can't sort out his own problems, then it's hardly up to you to do that for him.
I'd leave and get some support as to how to choose more healthy relationships in future
You are only 25, and I bet he was your first serious boyfriend, yes? You have nothing to compare him to.
You say you love him to bits. What are his good points?
He is not your soulmate, I'm amazed that you think that he is? A soulmate would bring delight, laughter and love to your life, not all of this soul destroying darkness.
You can't change him. You have a choice:
1) Stay with him forever, and accept that this will be your life until you die.
2) Leave him and find someone who has the same sunny disposition that you do.
I know what I'd do.
Even if he was hung like a donkey, I would choose option 2
Two thirds of your entire r/ship have been miserable. What makes you stay with him??
I had a man do this to me. Wanting my support, so I'd support him, then he'd change the goalposts and want support over something completely different, then accuse me of not supporting him adequatly over the first issue - which no longer applied because of the second issue...
Basically, I couldn't do right for doing wrong. But I loved him utterly and prostrated myself beyond what was reasonable trying to fix his life. He left me.
As someone above suggested, try a separation. It may make him decide that he needs professional help, because he'd rather have you than not. Or you'll have your answer.
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