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Advice needed, so trapped

(25 Posts)
Joanne48 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:33:34

Hi there
Im new on here and I know i live with a man who verbally abuses me. Im 48 years old, with 2 beautiful children, and this has gone on now for years, its not all the time, but lately its been pretty bad and Im starting to hate the man I married!!
last month my dad died,, maybe he is giving me strength, but my husband has now started to use that against me, knowing its going to hurt a lot, 2 days after my dad died, in a petty argument with me, he said he wouldnt even go to his funeral, I dont think I can forget or forgive him for this!
It all came to a head 2 nights ago, when he said to me he wished I was dead like my dad!! in front of my 13yr old daughter, my son who is 16 refuses to speak to his dad and its been like that now for months, as he has called him names too, and he has disowened his dad!!
He told me if I left him, I would go out asap and get c**k in front of my innocent child, and told her I was a prostitute, a slag and a slut!! (not true) my daugter knows its not true, he told me he wished I was a bloke so he could cripple me, and he might even do it anyway, my daughter and me were close to calling the police that night!!
My dilema on leaving is that I have no where to go, no money, and I cant leave my dogs with him, as he has told me he will kill the dogs if I leave!!
What would the police do if I called them, I hate this man, he has tried to destroy me, but in fact it has made me stronger, If I dont give him sex, I get abused all night, saying I must be getting it elsewhere, but I dont go anywhere on my own, or if I do, he is on the phone constantly, asking where I am!!
I belive we would be happier without him, and no one else, maybe I can then make friends, as he never likes anyone that I like, so I ihave no friends in my area. I cant see myself forming a new relationship EVER!! i CANT PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS AGAIN!!

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:36:47

You need to get out of this horribly violent and mentally abusive relationship OP; do you not think you and your kids have suffered enough; you have a choice, they don't, they've had to sit and suffer his abuse of you over the years; they must be very damaged emotionally too.

Please call Women's Aid, it's never too late to make that break; things will never get better; in fact, I think you might end up in hospital next time; is he really worth all that, risking your life to be with someone who could potentially kill you?

You need to get away asap.

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:37:56

This is not even a relationship; not a normal healthy one anyway.

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:38:41

Close to calling the Police; please just do it.

FairyAnn Tue 28-Mar-17 15:40:57

Get yourself and your children out of this situation immediately. Don't worry about money right now, there are support agencies that can help you until you find your feet:

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247
Victim Support: 08 08 16 89 111

If you are in real fear for your safety, call the police. You don't need to suffer through this

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:40:59

Phone the police and have him removed. Get a retraining order to keep him away. Your dc are old enough to not be forced to see him. . And keep the dogs!!

Joanne48 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:42:06

Thank you, Im crying reading your posts, I sometimes think am I over thinking things, but when I put it into words, exactly what happened andd believe me more happened than this but this is the worst parts, it does sound terrible, what would the police do though!!" Womens aid, would put us in a shelter and I cant leave the dogs with him, would the police be able to keep him away?

xStefx Tue 28-Mar-17 15:45:23

Call the police, tell them you want to throw him out but have reason to believe he will attack you. Pack his stuff, get the locks changed.

Your son and daughter will stick up for you,

OP, I know your upset, buy you shouldn't have let your son and daughter witness this for so long (you said years) Your the parent. Any more and your daughter will grow up thinking this is the type of guy she has to look for and your son will think its ok to treat people like this (if you show them it is). Throw him out and your setting a good example to your kids. If you don't OP then your exposing them to this shit

xStefx Tue 28-Mar-17 15:46:26

Put the dogs in a kennel for a week and don't tell him while you get sorted

You cant stay and subject your kids to this because of dogs OP.. come on now

Joanne48 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:47:27

Thank you, my daughter will want to see him, as she is frightened that he will commit suicide, he threatened this about 3 years ago and she has not forgotton, but my worry is that he will try and use her against me, as he doesnt seem to care what he says in front of her, as long as it hurts me, so my worry is that he would hurt her to get to me!!
He is also in my opinion an alcholic and drinks between 2=3 bottles of wine per night

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Mar-17 15:48:09

Call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
The number won't show on any phone bills.
They can help you with an exit plan.
Why do you not have any money?
Do you work?
Do you have any family or friends that are in a different area?
There will be a way out. WA will help you.
Next time he gets to the stage where 'you nearly call the police'
Please just do it.
Get to the bathroom and call them.
If you can talk, you can press 999, wait the voice service and hit 55.
They'll come to you then.

This is so so damaging for your DC and you need to get you and them away from all of this.
Well done taking the first step. That is the hardest part.
Now get some local support and get out of there.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Mar-17 15:49:34

she is frightened that he will commit suicide
Yeah!! If only these assholes would just get on and do it.
Most of them don't.
It's another tactic to keep you in line.
He loves himself. He would hardly kill himself.
Just get away and then you can sort out access etc....

xStefx Tue 28-Mar-17 15:52:18

Oh so he is already mentally abusing her, for a girl to go from the age of 10 - 13 worrying her dad will commit suicide,

Sorry OP but you have failed to protect your dc, what a worry for a little girls mind,.

Leave now before you allow him to do more damage to her - im so sorry I sound harsh but if you haven't left for yourself after years of this (as you said) then leave for your kids

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:54:59

Utterly gutted what your poor daughter has and is having to witness.

OP, you could find more reasons to stay but surely you must have a zillion reasons to leave; your poor children.

Please take the advice you are getting here, you will not get better.

Huskylover1 Tue 28-Mar-17 16:00:30

When he is threatening to hurt you, I would call 999. You have your daughter as a witness to the threats. If you say that you feel in danger, the call will be treated as a Grade 1 (priority) and you should have officers in your home within minutes. They will remove him from the home and when he is released from the cells, it will be on the condition that he does not attend within a certain radius of your home. It sounds like this may be your only option. He sounds absolutely horrid, and there's no doubt that your home would be a happier and calmer place, without him. flowers

AshesandDust Tue 28-Mar-17 16:27:35

Please phone Women's Aid, OP - they're on your side and know
what it's like for you and that you'll be scared about what he my do.
You've been conditioned by him to obey and take the torture he metes out to you and the kids - there are people on here who know what it's like in your situation too.

He's dragging you down deeper into a pit of misery and brutality
all the time you're with him, the misery pit is of his making, you
and the kids don't have to live in it with him.
Wishing you strength, OP. flowers

Destinysdaughter Tue 28-Mar-17 16:31:57

If you call WA, they can help you from a safety plan. He sounds a v dangerous man and may well turn violent if you leave which is why you need to plan it carefully. Stay safe OP.

Joanne48 Tue 28-Mar-17 17:23:10

Thank you everyone, I'm going to go to the police, and getb their help, someone asked me earlier why I had no money and do I work, I have not been able to get a job as he has never allowed it, since having the children, I got a job when my oldest was 9 months old and the excuses he give me, was that he couldn't cope, I work flat out on his business, (working from home) which doesn't pay a lot of money, and he has put all bills etc in my name, so I'm up to my eyeballs in debt.
What my worry is, is that I live in the countryside, no houses around me, and a very high rent £800 per month, I would be happier to move, so that I have neighbours, it would make me feel a lot safer. I believe by doing a bit of research online is that my husband is a sociopath, online there are 10 signs, and he has all 10

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Mar-17 17:26:56

Wow - he really is an abuser of the worst kind.
Glad you are going the police.
Please do try Womens Aid as well.
They can get you out safely.

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 17:32:20

Glad you are doing something about it; in time you will stop talking about him and his issues; he's clearly a horrible nasty piece of work; you now need to try and disengage, at least in your own mind so you can start to think properly for yourself and for once and at last, not even have to think about what he THINKS, SAYS, DOES; he's pointless.

Where is your family OP, this is the time to reach out to them.

Joanne48 Wed 29-Mar-17 07:42:26

I started to disengage from him in my mind at least for quite a while, however, this was reinforced for me when he started using my lovely dads death as a weapon to hurt me, I thought this was low even for him, I have started talking a little to my cousin, and my mam knows a little, but she is going through grief herself, so don't want to burden her,.
you know, I cant believe I was taken in by him, if you knew me, you would know quite a strong person, and I was 30 when I met him, so wasn't a kid either, but when the kids are little, my mind was weakened, I suppose, My husband has also very much underestimated me, as I have past life experience to compare, I also know he is at fault, and not us, like he seems to like to say. Thank you to you all, you have all made my mind a lot clearer x

SparklyMagpie Wed 29-Mar-17 08:18:23

Ring the police this morning OP!

MyheartbelongstoG Wed 29-Mar-17 17:13:58

Op I lived this life for 15 years, 15 fuckn years!! I still cant believe I did that.

He will never change NEVER.

I don't agree with xstef that you failed to protect your children. That is unfair IMO.

But, if you continue to stay there then you will be at fault because now your eyes are wide open.

I left my ex husband with my 3 kids and never looked back.

Three years on and we are living the most wonderful life.

By the way ignore the threats. It's all bullshit.

Pinotwoman82 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:22:18

Please ring police and WA xx

thecatneuterer Wed 29-Mar-17 17:27:49

Dogs Trust have a link with the Freedom Project and will find fosterers for women fleeing domestic violence. They will arrange with you to come for the dogs at the exact time you are leaving.

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