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Step Children

(21 Posts)
user1490703994 Tue 28-Mar-17 13:42:36

Hi

I am really struggling, my partner and I got together after a lot of back and forth and issues but finally we bought a house together and my children of 22 and 15 live with us.

The problem I have is he does not see his children because his ex just likes the control and he is always comparing my children to his (his are 16 and 14) he tells me they were brought up to be perfect and well spoken etc etc etc and would never do anything naughty, my kids are kids they are not perfect and they have their faults they can be a bit messy but are getting better because they want to show my partner respect, but it is never enough he is always saying how perfect his kids are and would never do anything that my kids do.

The two times I have met his children his son has been rude and disrespectful, but he days nothing because he is scared if he tells his kids off they will not see him. But he has not seen them in some 18 months and I know it is hard and he misses them like crazy, but they refuse to speak to him for no reason. But he gets depressed and then takes it out on my kids telling me how well behaved his children would be compared to mine.

My daughter looks at my partners as her second dad and has the upmost respect for him and even goes out of the room to speak to HER dad because she knows he gets upset that his kids don't contact him, but all he does is belittle them to me. It is driving me nuts my kids are so far from perfect but they are loyal and loving and make mistakes like other human beings, but he has the rose tinted glasses on that his kids would never associate with kids like mine and they if they don finally come to see us my kids must not swear or smoke or basically be themselves because it will mean his children will never come to our house again!!!

He gets depressed then goes online to FB about all this and talks to loads of other women about his perfect kids, and how bad mine are !!

I have tried to help him sort things out with his ex and kids but the ex just wants everything her own way and as far as she is concerned because they are divorced (way before I came on the scene) the kids are hers and her new partners and my partner might as well not existi and has alienated the children against him.

But I am tied of me and mine always being in the wrong when all they have done is show him respect, love and loyalty and go out of their way on fathers dad, his birthday and xmas to make him feel special and appreciated because his kids don't bother,

armpitz Tue 28-Mar-17 13:44:39

He sounds a treat hmm

EweAreHere Tue 28-Mar-17 13:50:06

Frankly, I'd show him the door.

I'm terribly sorry that he isn't seeing own teenagers, and that they don't want to see him for whatever reason, but that is a separate issue to how he treats your teenagers.

He has NO right to treat your children badly, constantly criticize them. constantly find them lacking by some imaginary, deluded comparison, and bad mouth to anyone who will listen (allegedly because he is depressed and having a bad time). Sorry, but he is a grown up, a parent and a step-parent, but he not acting like one. He is acting like a child, and hurting people who only want to support him and help him. This just isn't on, and your teenagers are potentially being damaged by his treatment of them.

I would call him on his behaviour, his treatment of your children, his constant ridiculous comparison which are absolute BS, and tell him you are no longer going to allow his pity party when it comes to your children who have done nothing to deserve this. If he disagees, tell him he knows where the door is.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 13:52:21

Been there. Done that.
Eventually he resented my dc and the money we earned that needed to be spent on them - he lied hugely and spent all our cash and left me feeling guilty for needing bills paid etc. I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour. Which he admitted to.

xStefx Tue 28-Mar-17 13:53:06

I don't know what to say. I couldn't be with someone that belittles my kids to me, I think It would make me fall out of love with him.

Can you just say "aw.. poor you , you always say that when your missing your own kids" and call him out on it. Let him realise you have noticed and think he is a twat for it.

Do you call him out on it OP?

Finola1step Tue 28-Mar-17 13:57:43

You've tried your best, you really have. But this isn't going to work because he is happy being miserable. You do all the cheering up and compromising. He does the wallowing and criticising.

Your dc shouldn't need to live like this. Watching what they say and do for fear of upsetting him. Being compared to his children and forever coming up short. You have found yourself in an abusive relationship in which your dc bear the brunt. Get him out.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Mar-17 14:07:06

And why are you with him?
If someone, who is supposed love and respect me, talked about my DC like that, he'd be out on his ear!
He has no idea how his children behave now as they haven't seen him in 18 months.
With his attitude to your DC, I don't blame them.
If they won't even speak to their own dad, they can't be that great children, can they??

StewieGMum Tue 28-Mar-17 14:14:11

It sounds like his kids have some very valid reasons for refusing to speak to him - none of which are to do with their mother. Your kids deserve to live in a house with adults who love and respect them. Walk away from this man before he sucks the life out of all of you.

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 14:17:16

Enough is enough, get rid; your children will hear him slagging them off and it sounds pretty regular; he sounds a right immature jealous git and is taking his poor life choices out on your children.

Next time he starts on them tell him to get to fuck out your home and theirs; what a sad excuse for a man he sounds.

TheseAreTheGoodOldDays Tue 28-Mar-17 14:22:56

Some people are cut out to be step parents, and some are not - I think you should send him on his merry way OP.

user1490703994 Tue 28-Mar-17 14:47:44

I have called him out on this numerous times that he fact has no idea what his children are like because he does not see them, he has no idea what they are like or are into and he and his ex have cotton wooled them so much, that they probably go out and drink on the sly where as my kids I know what they are doing and where they are no lies, I don't agree with everything that they do but at least we have an open and honest relationship.

I think that the closeness I have with my children makes him jealous and the fact that although their dad is a pain and does not see them but I encourage them to as what went wrong in the marriage was between me and him and not them, he makes no effort but they still talk to him I think he resents them.

I almost I know this sounds horrible want one his kids to turn up stoned out of their head and show him they are not so perfect!

I have started looking at other houses for me to buy on my own, and I think that this is the way things will end because he cannot accept take responsibility for his actions talking to other women etc.

It is a shame because he has moments of brilliance with my kids, gives them a lot, but then goes into this depression about his kids and that's it. I know it is difficult for him but he makes us suffer because of it. We are today in a depression mode which means all day at work on his fb messaging the women who are offering their sympathy and ignoring me.

So I think time to get me and mine out of here before like someone says he drains the life out of all of us xx

misswhatdoto2 Tue 28-Mar-17 14:56:55

Your children are in their own home acting as kids do. That is their safe haven where they can play up/ veg out/ vent their frustrations. Same as any of us do with our work and outside life persona compared to home. He needs to realise that no one should feel that their home is not the place to be themselves, especially children. Even of he did see his children at weekends I would assume they would be on their best behaviour because it's not their home.
Add to the fact he hasn't actually lived with them for years he really has no clue!
I would be telling him to either change his attitude or change his home! He knew the deal when you got together

misswhatdoto2 Tue 28-Mar-17 14:58:11

Oh and I would be having definite words about messaging other women too!! Who are they?

Ellisandra Tue 28-Mar-17 14:58:50

Can't for the life of me work out what's attractive about this man.

Keep looking for another house flowers

xStefx Tue 28-Mar-17 15:16:22

don't bother having words about the other woman- save your breath
Do tekll him the real reason your leaving (he is a moany, bitter, belittling little prick and you don't fancy him anymore because of it)- then maybe he will change for the next poor woman.

EWE Get rid, men like this make my skin crawl

JustSpeakSense Tue 28-Mar-17 15:28:32

Two things stood out to me in your post.

The fact that your kids swear and smoke (it's not unreasonable fir him to disapprove of this)

And that he is talking to women online. That's out of order.

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:30:19

I wouldn't even bother engaging with him anymore; he just likes having a go at your kids cos he's a miserable git and is using the fact he doesn't see his kids for you to give him some slack; he has zero clue on how to raise kids; his own kids don't even like him so I don't even understand why you are allowing a shit parent to dictate how you raise your kids; bloody awful them having to listen to him put them down; no idea why you are still with him; he's one big fat loser.

As for the other women...........he's slagging you and your kids off to them - none of this normal OP, none of it.

user1490703994 Tue 28-Mar-17 16:06:41

My kids swear as much as all other kids, they don't swear every other word they are polite they mess around and swear sometimes not all the time.

Smoking my son is 22 and does not smoke in the house in fact he goes outside and put his fag butts in the bin, my daughter I know smokes I have caught her and am trying to get her to give up, like I say they are not perfect but they are not completely foulmouthed 24/7 :O)

user1490703994 Tue 28-Mar-17 16:08:28

HIs old school friends apparently.

We have had serious words this weekend about all of this and I am just unhappy and think that I already know the answer hence looking for a new home and seeing a mortgage advisor to get my money out of the house we have and move on to a easier single life.

Catrina1234 Tue 28-Mar-17 18:27:37

I don't understand why he can't see his kids - surely he can put pressure on his ex - or is it the kids that don't want to see him. It is so unfair that your kids are having to bear the brunt of his frustration about his own kids. Have you considered the effect on them?

He is totally deluded about his kids - it's pathetic. If they don't want to see him there must be a reason. If they are happy to see him then what's the problem.

I think you have a decision as the mother of your kids whether you are prepared for them to be criticised and blamed by the step father for something that is not of their doing,.

Catrina1234 Tue 28-Mar-17 18:29:26

Sorry just seen your last post. Hope you can find a more peaceful life for yourself and your kids.

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