Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH becoming the clever one in our rl

(25 Posts)
Melaniaspilatesinstructor Tue 28-Mar-17 12:36:50

DH went to an Oxbridge uni (he's very low key about this) people who've known him for years don't know, he has an average job and is a really lovely man.
I was very naughty at school and had a very disturbed home life with addict single parent & step parent who eventually left to be a heroin addict.
In my twenties, I went back to college to do GCSEs + A levels and then uni to train as a primary school teacher.
DH is naturally very good at maths and has a good grounding in world history etc which I don't have.
I think that him and I are a good match intellectually (hence our attraction to each other) we both have things that we are good at.
However, I sometimes feel that he sees me as less clever than him and that I have something to prove and he doesn't. He would deny this but it's just a feeling I'm getting and I don't like it that this dynamic is surfacing because I don't want my DD to grow up seeing this as acceptable.
Does anyone else have this in their rl?

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 28-Mar-17 12:37:56

Why do you think he thinks you're less clever than him?

Shoxfordian Tue 28-Mar-17 12:41:02

What does he do to make you feel like this?

Melaniaspilatesinstructor Tue 28-Mar-17 12:43:55

Hmm now I've seen it written in black and white I realise it's my own insecurity.
I suppose I worry that my DD will see her dad as the clever one and me as the 'practical one' or something.

SharkBastard Tue 28-Mar-17 12:45:16

What is he doing that makes you feel this way? Or is it your insecurity manifesting and him not actually making any moves for you to feel like this?

My DH is intelligent hence why I was attracted to him, but he feels I'm more intelligent but he finds that interesting and attractive.

Got to look at it from the outside to see where this stems from

xStefx Tue 28-Mar-17 12:46:43

Its not about being clever though it is? im sure that's not his intentional attitude OP but if it was - it would seem more important
to me to be street wise than educated in an Oxbridge uni in this day an age.

I would say your clever, he is just maybe more educated?

2014newme Tue 28-Mar-17 12:48:45

Your dh sounds lovely this is a,self esteem issue you have. Don't turn it into a relationship issue. ๐Ÿ’

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 28-Mar-17 12:52:41

I'm sure my DD sees me as the Arse Wiping One when I'm far more probably more clever than her DF.wink

corythatwas Tue 28-Mar-17 12:53:50

Think about exactly what you don't want your dd to think acceptable?

For somebody not to be Oxbridge educated?

For members of the same family not to have followed exactly the same life trajectory?

Or for somebody to see this as a problem?

Unless there is something about your dh you are not telling us, it sounds to me as if the only message you shouldn't want your dd to take on is the one that is coming from you: that people's worth is somehow tied up in their education.

Bohemond Tue 28-Mar-17 13:05:10

I am Oxbridge educated; DH has no qualifications and grew up in a single parent family in semi-poverty. We have complementary experience and skills and he is a fab partner and father. I hope our son will see us as equals in all senses of the word.

MysweetAudrina Tue 28-Mar-17 13:09:37

I am very clever mathematically and my dh is very clever artistically and mechanically. Everyone is clever in different ways and it is up to us to nurture the individual cleverness that our children might have. The way I look at it is that between the two of us we can nurture a broad range of cleverness across our children to suit their individual areas of natural ability. My kids know I am better than their Dad at some things and vice versa. what's important I think is that perceived intelligence in one area is not used as a way to keep the other person down or wield more control in the relationship to use it to make the other feel inferior because that is not clever at all.

greenlipstick Tue 28-Mar-17 13:11:55

OP, feelings aren't facts. Your feelings are not coming from your DH.

Quartz2208 Tue 28-Mar-17 13:14:14

I would say that you feel that he is more intelligent than you and its bothers you.

Thing is everyone has someone who is cleverer than them at something, better than them at something else, no one is the best at everything and no one can be.

Play to both of your strengths - what exactly is wrong with me seen as the practical reliable one

orzal Tue 28-Mar-17 13:27:56

I have a very intelligent husband. I have seen how he is able to grasp situations much quicker than other people. He has lots of letters after his name.
But he is hopeless at shopping. Think buying an expensive sports dress for our son in USA instead of a top. I can often see the solution to practical problems more quickly than he does.
Common sense is vastly underrated.

woohooyeehoo Tue 28-Mar-17 13:42:21

If he went to Oxbridge then clearly he is more academic, however that really isn't the most important thing in life. Maybe as you're in teaching you're more aware of it but I can't say I think about other people's intelligence much in my day to day life!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 28-Mar-17 13:53:04

OK, so on the assumption that this is a problem with your perception of yourself and your own feelings of inadequate knowledge of proper grown up topics, my advice is to become the household authority on geopolitics.

His knowledge is getting older and older. Get yourself the new knowledge. With his knowledge of world history you will have some amazing dinner table conversations where you will be different but equal, greater than the sum of the parts.

It's easy to do if you are smart and pay attention. Read The Economist. Watch Newsnight. Listen to Today, The Week in Westminster, all that stuff. Get the deep knowledge that goes way beyond what you read in the newspaper front pages.

Assuming you like that kind of thing of course. I do.

2014newme Tue 28-Mar-17 14:09:56

@woohooyeehoo how is he more academic? He had the opportunity to go to oxbridge. Op didn't due to family circumstances. Doesn't make him more academic. It may just make him better educated.they are not the same thing.

Melaniaspilatesinstructor Tue 28-Mar-17 14:16:33

Thank you.
I think it is a self esteem issue on my part tbh. I do feel a bit frustrated that only academic intelligence is celebrated when the types of intelligence I have are just as valid.
It's my stuff- I'll talk to therapist about it this week. Thank you.

Kittencatkins123 Tue 28-Mar-17 16:40:42

Being practical is not to be sniffed at!

I felt a bit like this when I got together with my BF as he is general knowledge king and very bright (i.e. First at uni).

But then we started playing scrabble and doing crosswords and discovered some of my entirely useless strengths. Now I don't really worry about it at all, and he is TOTALLY on my Trivial Pursuits team at Christmas winning at life

What kind of intelligence do you have? Eg creative, lateral thinking, understand people etc. Are there ways you could build more of this into your work or hobbies so you feel it's celebrated/acknowledged more?

BoboChic Tue 28-Mar-17 16:45:31

Relative intelligence between partners is not necessarily stable over the course of a relationship. If one partner applies their brain to problem solving in a specific domain more than the other, they will often get much better at it.

Degrees are only a snapshot of cleverness at a particular point in time.

SleepFreeZone Tue 28-Mar-17 16:50:17

I have a very intelligent OH, I am academically average but smart in other ways. I often see a solution to something technical and get it fitted while he is still muttering it's not possible ๐Ÿ™„

We are very well suited and I like that he is 'the clever one'.

MerryMarigold Tue 28-Mar-17 16:54:19

Not read the whole thread, sorry, but my twopence is this:

You seem to value 'cleverness' (ie. academic ability) too highly and this is a MUCH more dangerous thing to pass on to your daughter than any attitude your dh may or may not have about being more academically clever.

Do you actually think it is important whether you are as 'clever' or not? I put this in inverted commas as to me, it is not important. You can be 'clever' at fixing cars, doing DIY, watching birds or playing the French horn. Just because someone has better general knowledge does not make them a better person.

If you feel like your husband does not respect your opinion on, say, finances, parenting etc. then that is not about 'cleverness', but about the fact he doesn't respect your opinion.

carabos Tue 28-Mar-17 17:00:03

I'm the "educated " one in our relationship. DH is the one who represented the country at his sport. Guess who people are most impressed by.

angelcakerocks Tue 28-Mar-17 17:01:53

Can't you share the clever? Who said anyone has to be the anything 'one' confused

SandyY2K Tue 28-Mar-17 17:34:35

I think it's your issue OP. Your DH doesn't brag about it and I think now being in education as a career, you recognise and value his academic ability.

If you were saying he speaks to you in a condescending tone or acts like things are above your grasp intellectually, then I could see your point.

My DH is clever. He won a scholarship for a private school. He took some 'o' levels early. He has great mathematical, analytical and engineering ability. He passed his private pilots test, but I think hands down, I exercise more common sense and our DC don't see me as any less clever than him.

Plus the kids say I'm a better driver than he is. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now