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What would you do_ issue with DH

(41 Posts)
Miffedmuch Tue 28-Mar-17 10:25:15

I'm wondering what opinions are on this.

Background info.
Been together 21 years and married for 18.
A couple of years ago I raised with DH that I wasn't comfortable with the sporadic contact he has with an Ex.

It transpired that early in our marriage he confided in her about us. He thought I was cheating and didn't love him. He discussed our physical relationship, which wasn't frequent at the time.

I said he needed to stop any contact with her. He said nothing was going on but he agreed (reluctantly) to not contact her and he messaged her to that effect. It took him about a week to do this which really annoyed me and started making me pull away.

Anyway I recently find she's in his FB friends list and raise it with him. He said that he'd unfollowed her and hasn't been in contact with her. I'm inclined to believe this. We have a good relationship and things have got so much better over the years

So he deletes her from FB, then I said (via text) that he needs to delete her from his phone and any other SM, because I don't want this conversation again. To this he hasn't responded.

I'm rather upset about it and don't understand why he can't just delete her number once and for all. I'm not sure he realises how when he faffs about and doesn't act instantly, it just makes me pull away from him.

We're due to go out this weekend for a special occasion and I'm wondering if it would be an overreaction to say, unless he deletes her number (and I don't actually check his phone anyway, so it would be based on trust), that I won't be going out with him.

Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable or controlling?

Renaissance2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 10:31:27

He's been with you 21 years. I assume you don't believe he's cheated with her, so why are so threatened by her? If something was going to happen it would of by now.

xStefx Tue 28-Mar-17 10:36:18

To be honest I wouldn't be happy about it but im not sure its reasonable either.

My Dh has a female friend, they were friends before we got together and had been an item about 4 years before we got together but it only lasted a few months. I hear the conversations they have and see the messages they send each other and its never anything other than innocent. Ive always bit my tongue as I know he can have a female friend, but still sometimes feel a bit uneasy.

I also remind myself I have a few close male friends and my conversations with them are always innocent.

Enjoy your weekend away OP xxx

Poudrenez Tue 28-Mar-17 10:50:33

I don't think it sounds like anything is going on, OP. I think your insistance that he delete her sounds a little unreasonable, but understandable. I can also understand that he may not want to immediately do as you say, and I wonder if his resistance is more of a protest than anything else. Does that ring at all true?

Miffedmuch Tue 28-Mar-17 11:24:59

I wonder if his resistance is more of a protest than anything else.
I think this could be the case. Though if it were me, I would have no issue deleting the number if had no intent to contact the person again.

Maybe that's just me.

I'm not especially threatened by her, but I equally don't like the fact it. Perhaps because I'm not one to maintain contact with my Ex BFs.

If he expressed that he wasn't happy in similar circumstances, I'd put his mind at ease without prolonging it.

PineappleExpress Tue 28-Mar-17 11:34:41

It sounds controlling to me. You have no reason to not want him contacting her except the fact that he confided in her when he was worried about your relationship and that she is an ex.
There's no reason he shouldn't be friends with his ex and no reason he shouldn't be able to confide in his friends about any worries he has - as you are doing with us now.

I've been on the receiving end of someone trying to tell me who I can and can't be friends with, for absolutely no reason, and it's not nice. I didn't delete people either, because I didn't see why I should.
If you trust him, let him choose his own friends. If you don't, but have no proof anything has ever happened, maybe you need to figure out why that is.

PineappleExpress Tue 28-Mar-17 11:35:36

That could be ready with a snippy attitude. Didn't mean it that way, though smile

arsenaltilidie Tue 28-Mar-17 11:37:22

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't be happy in your shoes either.
But on the other hand you have been together for 21 years and you don't believe he has ever cheated then maybe you are over reacting a little.
Not everyone will do exactly what we want meaning sometimes we have to bite our tongue.
They are not friends, they keep in contact once a while; not worth the arguements.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 28-Mar-17 11:40:15

You've been together 21 years and yet you want to stop your DH contacting this person? Why are you feeling so insecure?

I was (very sporadically) in touch with an ex for decades. We had shared history and so I was interested to hear about his children, what they were doing etc. This contact was in no way a threat to my relationship. It was just about someone I cared about as a friend.

I think you are being unnecessarily controlling.

Cricrichan Tue 28-Mar-17 11:40:36

I remain friends with my exes (live in different countries so only via fb and open to anyone to see but if we lived close then I'd still see them as part of a group etc) and if i was told to delete them for no reason then i would question why they don't trust me. And if i was trusted then why are they trying to control who i speak to.

As long as it's all above board then you're being controlling and unreasonable.

SirVixofVixHall Tue 28-Mar-17 11:58:16

I don't understand why sporadic contact with an ex is a problem, if they have stayed friends, or why it bothers you so much after 21 years together? If the ex had been horrible about you, or made a pass at him, or something, then I would understand you not liking the friendship, but why is it an issue?

Miffedmuch Tue 28-Mar-17 12:39:48

To answer some questions, I wasn't always aware about ongoing contact between them.

I do have an issue with him telling her about our sex life... I think he would feel the same if I

told an Ex BF, about that side of our relationship.

When we discussed it before, I said if he thought it was okay, then it should be fine if I got in touch with some of my Ex BFs and he did not like this idea at all.

Much less if I was actually telling an Ex about our sex life.

I don't think an Ex is the person to confide in about a current relationship either. Maybe that's just me... But I can see that might lead down an inappropriate path.

He and I often do our own thing. I've never been privvy to their conversations and he's not been privvy to conversations I have either. I wouldn't say I'm a jealous person, but he tends to be more the jealous of the two of us.

I'm sure this will appear like a dripfeed, but way way back, I stumbled on a bit of a flirty message from him to her. He said it was just a joke when confronted and got angry I'd read it.. .violation of privacy and all that kind of talk.... But I've let it go, it was years ago.

I really don't have an issue with any of his other female friends. He goes out to events they invite him to and I'm not bothered at all by them. It's just this one particular Ex.

Adora10 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:45:11

I would hate my partner discussing our sex life with anyone never mind a so called female friend; not sure if something is going on between them but I'd feel the same as you, it's all rather insulting towards you.

PineappleExpress Tue 28-Mar-17 13:44:46

Re-establishing contact with an ex and already being friends with one are two very different things when you are in a relationship, unless you happen to bump into them and have a nice chat or something.

I talk to an ex and a couple of ex flings very frequently, and they are some of my closest friends. They know me extremely well and always help to keep me rational and grounded, or just act as a sounding board when I need it.
It doesn't lead to anything because we are just friends, but I can talk to them about things that I don't feel able to talk to my female friends about (usually abusive partners because I'm too embarrassed). It's also nice to get the opinion of someone of the same sex for a bit of balance.

However, given the flirty message and his angry reaction, I'd say you do have a right to ask him to stop contact.
I flirt with everyone, and I'm not shy about it, but I would never get angry at a partner for questioning it, because I'm aware of how it looks and appreciate them coming to me instead of letting it fester and thinking the worst of me. Anger is a reaction to being caught out.

Miffedmuch Tue 28-Mar-17 16:39:06

Thanks for the responses everyone. It's good to hear varied opinions.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Tue 28-Mar-17 16:53:23

When I first read your OP, I was a bit shock to be honest and my first thought was that it's controlling. But actually, when I think about it it's a tricky one. It totally depends on the dynamic of their relationship, the dynamic of your relationship, the nature of the contact they have. So many variables.

Personally, I think that you sound a little insecure and maybe the whole ex thing is a bit of a red herring. It should take more than a Facebook "friendship" with an ex to rock the boat in a marriage of almost 2 decades. Is there more to this? Maybe you need to explore a bit more in terms of why you are feeling this way.

I'm friends with an ex on Facebook. Although we don't really interact, very rarely anyway. I'm not really sure why I'm friends with him. I suppose it just seems a bit aggressive somehow to "unfriend" him when I harbour no ill will. And also I'm a nosey cow. It's all very high school. If DH asked me to delete him after all these years, I'd be a bit baffled because I've done nothing wrong. I'd also be a little hurt that he doesn't completely trust me. I would most definitely drag my heels if he wanted me to send a message to ex because that would be bloody embarrassing and bonkers. So I can see why he might have delayed doing that. But ultimately I would delete the guy no problems because he means nothing to me. So I don't think you're unreasonable there.

PsychedelicSheep Tue 28-Mar-17 23:13:15

I don't think it's ok to tell another adult who they can and can't be friends with so yes, seems unreasonable and controlling to me.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh Tue 28-Mar-17 23:28:55

I can see why you're not happy, especially about the discussing sex with the ex, but I really couldn't ever see me asking a partner to delete someone's number - it does seem very controlling to me.

scottishdiem Tue 28-Mar-17 23:44:13

If I asked my partner to do any of that they would be well within their rights to think I had gone stark, raving, mad.

Especially and because you are dealing with a relationship from over two decades ago.

Surely there is something else going on to make you so remarkably insecure? Sporadic messaging of an old friend is nothing to worry about. Forcing people to not just not see a friend of Facebook but to unfriend them as well? May as well go by a rabbit and a pot.

In fact, since it took him less than 168 hours to tell a friend that contact between then was being stopped because of you, you felt yourself pulling away from him, then you probably already bought both items.

He did something nearly 20 years ago and you are still holding it against him. Why?

SoulAccount Tue 28-Mar-17 23:55:56

Blackmailing about going to a special event this weekend?
Yes, unreasonable , controlling and unpleasant.

You hold a grudge, insecurity and suspicion about him speaking to her, an ex turned mate, 18 years ago?

CharlieChopstix Wed 29-Mar-17 00:00:51

What did the flirty message from him to her say?

WannaBe Wed 29-Mar-17 00:03:08

If my partner told me that I needed to delete someone's number or they wouldn't be going away with me at the weekend I'd tell them that was fine and not to expect me to come back after the weekend.

You are incredibly controlling. He was with this woman over 21 years ago and you are telling him to delete her from his phone/facebook? You have no right to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with.

As for the people who say that "I would delete them to put my partner's mind at ease," really? Where does that end then? So you delete someone they feel a bit insecure about to "put his mind at ease," What if they start feeling insecure about the time you spend out with friends? Do you spend lesss time with them to "put his mind at ease"? What if they start feeling insecure about the time you spend with your family, do you spend less time with them to "put his mind at ease"? Amending your behaviour to feed someone else's insecurities is the slippery slope to an abusive relationship.

Sometimes people have insecurities, sometimes they are valid, and sometimes not. The adult thing to do is to discuss them, not to start throwing around ultimatums and become controlling.

AmeliaLion Wed 29-Mar-17 00:36:16

Talking to an ex about our sex life would be a serious problem for me, probably a deal breaker. I have no problem with dp being friends with his ex, but talking about our sex life (especially in a bad way) would be a step too far for me.

Trying to manipulate him by threatening to cancel a weekend away is quite controlling, though. You have to let him make his decision and then figure out if you can live with it.

The concern for me is his apparent double standard. He wouldn't want you to be in touch with an ex but doesn't seem to understand how upset you are / were about him discussing your sex life with his ex. The idea in a healthy relationship is that you respect each other's boundaries. He massively overstepped one of yours, and you stayed in the relationship on the understanding he had no contact with her. By keeping her number its like he doesn't really understand how significant it was for you.

I don't try to choose dps friends (though some of them are knobs so I wish I could). But an ex he has exchanged flirty messages with, discussed out sex life with and doesn't want to delete the number? I'd be walking away I'm afraid.

scottishdiem Wed 29-Mar-17 00:47:36

Am I misunderstanding something about the timeline?

Dated woman over 21 years ago
Maintains a friendship
Approx 15 years ago spoke to ex about sex life
Way Way/Years back from current day 1 flirty text
Maintains a friendship
Friend each other on Facebook

Told to delete contact and didnt do within 168 hours and OP wants it done that moment (on other threads by the way, thats emotional abuse when a man does it to a woman. Just thought we should note the hypocrisy)

And now OP is using examples of reaching out to old BFs as example of undesirable behaviour that DH agrees with.

Is there not, AmeliaLion, a difference between maintaining a friendship for over two decades and being forced to end it by a partner (again, note how men and women are treated differently here) and reaching out to an old partner after a long period of non-contact. OPs DH did something that hasnt been done, talked about or mentioned for a considerable time.

Your bar for walking our AmeliaLion is remarkably low. And lets face it, one we would all be critical of men adhering to. We say to women that men cannot control their friendships and that leaving should be an option when that starts.

AmeliaLion Wed 29-Mar-17 01:13:24

I certainly don't think we should be in the business of criticising women for choosing their own boundaries. For some women an affair would be forgivable, for some a drunken snog might be too much. Some women see sexting or porn as a deal breaker.

We are all free to choose our own boundaries and sharing details of our sex life with an ex would be one for me. Equally, I had no problem with dp's ex staying with him for a weekend though other people might have a problem with that.

You might be critical of a man for leaving a relationship for this, but I wouldn't. Anyone can leave a relationship at any time - even simply being unhappy is a good enough reason.

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