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Should I go NC with this friend?

(14 Posts)
PigmyShrew Tue 28-Mar-17 02:41:27

We've only been friends for a year or so and mainly stay in touch on social media/phone calls, don't meet up frequently but speak loads.

He knows I am in a relationship and our contact has always been solely friendship. But recently I've noticed he's started getting very clingy to me - messaging multiple times a day, even when I haven't responded to the previous messages, so sometimes I check and have 10+ messages all about different topics.. hmm also made a really creepy sex related comment recently, attempted to disguise it as a joke (but it wasn't funny at all) it was a bit awkward so I tried to forget about it.

He has also started offloading a lot of emotions on to me - about feeling lonely, wishing he wasn't single, and projecting a lot on to me aswell. I once confided in him when I was having a bit of relationship trouble and wanted advice - at the time he acted like the most supportive friend possible, but a few days later he brought it up again in a nasty way to use against me/put me down. Basically by asking me for my opinion on something, then as soon as I gave him my opinion responding with 'well who are you to give advice on this when Xyz has happened' hmm

More recently, I've had a personal family situation going on, and not a day goes by where he doesn't ask me some kind of intrusive and in appropriate question about it. I've said politely that it is private and I don't wish to discuss, which he literally ignores and minutes later asks another question on the exact same topic.

getting an urge to go completely no contact as I feel like the friendship has become a burden and he's taking a lot of my energy.. Constant questions, very sensitive to any potential criticism and seems a bit insecure sad which I can emphasise with but aibu to feel it isn't my place to take on all of his emotional baggage when we aren't even particularly close?

He often speaks about not really having any friends or much of a social life so i don't want to make it worse.. But I can see why he doesn't blush as I've started to dread his inevitable calls/messages.

Feeling a bit pissed off about it but not sure if I'm overreacting? confused

Underbeneathsies Tue 28-Mar-17 02:45:03

Block him.
Don't answer and don't delete the messages, you might need them to get a barring order if he really turns up the stalking.

OlennasWimple Tue 28-Mar-17 02:46:10

I'd go NC for a period of time - and tell him that you are doing it.

Then step back, see if you actually miss him or whether your life is better off without him in it.

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 28-Mar-17 02:49:04

I was in a similar situation recently and decided to go NC. I realised I didn't miss the person at all and actually felt like a load had been lifted.

I agree with Olennas post above.

I told the person exactly why I was backing off which I think is fair if you had a friendship of a year.

DancingGoose Tue 28-Mar-17 02:50:46

I would either back right off and see if you can re-establish some boundaries you are more comfortable with, or, if it's making you feel anxious to get the messages and under pressure then I would block.

PigmyShrew Tue 28-Mar-17 02:51:11

Under - to be honest I'm very very relieved he doesn't know where I live.

Olennas - I'm almost certain I won't miss him from how he is now! I just feel a bit guilty about dropping someone who doesn't have much of a social life.. But I feel like it will only get worse and I don't want him to get more attached to me. I feel like he puts way more importance on our friendship than I do confused

PigmyShrew Tue 28-Mar-17 02:54:42

Strawberry - I also think that it will be a bit of a relief to not be friends anymore - I really don't look forward to speaking to him now because I can see the problem getting worse. He isn't able to accept other people's feelings - when he's told me before about arguments/conflicts he's had, he's always convinced himself that the other person is somehow deluded and he never genuinely considers a POV besides his own. So I think if I explain its a bit full on, it may turn into him giving me a really hard time/manipulation..

Dancing- I think a step back is definitely in the right direction sad

PenelopeFlintstone Tue 28-Mar-17 02:57:01

Have you got any single friends you could hook him up with?

PigmyShrew Tue 28-Mar-17 02:58:04

Also am I over reacting to feel a bit shit about him throwing something I'd trusted him with back in my face? He brought it up in a completely irrelevant context, solely because he knew it was something I'd been sensitive about (I haven't often openly shared things like that with him before, so it's the only real oppertunity he's had to use something against me).

Previously we also had a very minor dissagreement which Led to him blocking me on social media (I didn't particularly care because I knew he wanted a reaction) when he didn't get a reaction from me he sent me a stream of messages begging for forgiveness and telling me how wonderful I am.

So that's what I mean by feeling drained by this individual sad

He also knows I have some personal things going on at the moment, which hasn't made any difference to his relentless contact

PigmyShrew Tue 28-Mar-17 02:59:03

Penelope - my friendship group is really outgoing and likes to be out and about, whereas he doesn't like socialising/groups (which is completely fine) but not sure they'd be compatible.

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:06:58

Pigmy how about something like this?

"Hi XXXX
I have spent alot of time thinking about our friendship recently and how it impacts on my life both positively and negatively. At this time I feel I need to concentrate on the friendships I have that are more positive.

I feel that our values and perspectives on life differ alot and at times it creates friction which I find draining in some ways.

I wish you all the best"

It's similar to what I wrote at the time.

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:11:00

Then I blocked smile
The person replied by text saying fair enough however if it got to the stage where it was abusive or harrasing I would have kept messages and reported it to the local Police x

PigmyShrew Wed 29-Mar-17 04:59:00

Good idea! I think I will use a similar message. Polite but still makes things very clear! X

daisychain01 Wed 29-Mar-17 05:10:04

I have spent alot of time thinking about our friendship recently

I would rephrase as

Ive had a think about our contact etc

I wouldnt give him the impression you have been thinking about it loads
I wouldn't call it a friendship because it isnt RW enough and you havent hung out together and had lots of shared memories (i dont think). A reality check is in order if he has stalkerish tendencies
Also you are not responsible for his social life so dont feel bad.

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