Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

This is my story , i just need someone to talk to

(43 Posts)
itsme40 Tue 28-Mar-17 00:13:30

I met him two years ago. He came across as charming, traditional, sweet , caring. I didnt have much dating experience because i only had one other relationship in my life, which lasted 16 years and ended on good terms.He accepted my daughter but thank god i was smart enough to keep him away from her, i didnt want to introduce them early ,before i make sure that its serious between us.
In hindsight i now realize that the clues were there but i was blinded and chose not to see them. From time to time he would say things like he wishes i had a child first with him or that he prefers if i had 100 partners before him than a child etc
He is very charming. He would say things like he never met anyone like me before, and that he loves me with all his heart and he will never leave me no matter what etc etc
After we established a relationship he started showing signs of weird pattern of behavior. Little, tiny , small things like telling him that i disagree with him (always in a nice way) or that i feel lonely or even that he misspelled something they would send him into a fit of rage. He would transform to someone i never saw before. Raging, blaming, trying to put guilt in me, threatening that i better stop talking or i make it worse, telling me that he is feeling hurt and i am a bad girlfriend etc etc The first times that it happened i was numb, i never saw anyone reacting like this not even for serious matters let alone for the trivial things that would set him off .Almost like a small child having a tantrum but way worse.
I tried to talk to him and explain that i dont understand where all the rage comes from and there was no reason for this but its always somehow my fault.
As time passed those fits of rage became more frequent and more severe. The only that remained the same is that it was always over nothing and always my fault, i somehow was responsible for his behavior. New addition is that he would start insulting me. For example he made me play a computer game with him and then he would mock me and humiliate me. I can understand for a while to be a joke but this wasnt. He would say things like he pretends to play alone because i am useless, how could i be so bad, and if i couldn't "support him" in the game he would rage again and even leave the room to "cool off". Or when i said that he shouldn't trust a certain person at work because he was proven a liar, he went into a rage , saying things like he wonders how anyone talks with me, that i am the idiot here for getting knocked out with my smack head first partner(yes i know i cant see the connection either) and when i had enough insults and i replied that i was in a 16 years relationship and he wasnt a smackhead but just a hard working descent person it caused him to rage as i never saw before telling me that i am like a whore and i should never again support my ex partner because i hurt him and he will never be the same before. I have litterally hundrets of examples to tell of his abnormal reactions to situations. In addition he woudl start threatening to go, every time over everything he woudl say how bad the relationship is and how i am nto good partner and how tired he is inside of all that "arguing"
Honestly , having to put up so often with situations like this , it makes you doubt yourself and your sanity. His behavior is exhausting and you just say yes just to stop it form happening. He humiliates and creates guilt and he gets aggressive and makes you losing yourself slowly. It drains you and makes you think that you are wrong, you losing your common sense and what is real
I blame myself for allowing him to treat me like that. The gut feeling was there form the beginning but i chose to ignore it because the rest of the time he was perfect. Almost like two different people. I read a lot and now i can say he has all the signs of narcissistic disorder.
Tonight i had enough.Tonight he turn against my child and that is the end. He wanted sex but i asked him if he can wait a bit untill i get my daughter from school and take her to her grandparents. (thank god she doesnt have contact with him, he was making plans for us to get married and have kids but i guess in a bright moment of mine during this relationship i followed my instinct and kept him away form her despite the wedding plans). He started and few minutes after went into a sulky mood telling me that he had enough of my fking child and if i love him i should either" give her to her dad or abandon her or whatever he doesnt care what i will do as long as she dissapears and stops coming between us". I asked him what sort of sick joke is that and he replied that there is no joke here.....I threw him out and if i see him again i am calling the police
Anyone out there , dont let them treat you like that, dont excuse their behavior and listen to your gut feeling Take this advice from me that i made those mistakes and i am regretting it
Thank ever so much whoever listened, i feel so much better sharing this

ohfourfoxache Tue 28-Mar-17 00:35:08

You are absolutely bloody brilliant. You had a gut feeling, protected your dd and now you've chucked him out. That's a big move and you should be damned proud of yourself.

I am going to ask, though- are you safe? This guy sounds completely unhinged and capable of anything. You may well be in a vulnerable position. Do you have anyone who could stay with you/anyone you could stay with?

Needcourage Tue 28-Mar-17 01:14:13

Well done, OP. I was holding my breath reading your thread...filled with dread. So glad you can see that there are a lot of things not right with him. Reading your story was scary and it leads me to also ask... Are you safe?
From your op, there are major concerns.
Can you stay away from your place for sometime? See how he handles the break-up via facebook (if you are on it), texts messages, phone calls/voice messages etc first. Until you can be sure of your safety.
Any idea how his previous relationships were?...how/why the relationships ended?

RosettaPebble Tue 28-Mar-17 01:19:07

flowers stay strong op and I agree with fox if there is anyone that can stay with you please let them. This is a vulnerable time for you with a man like this.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Tue 28-Mar-17 01:47:38

This could be my ex. Well done for getting rid OP, but please please be careful. If there is somebody you can stay with, go for a few days. Keep us updated

antimatter Tue 28-Mar-17 01:51:47

Well done!

BusyHomemaker Tue 28-Mar-17 07:03:25

Well done, you sound very brave flowers

Afreshstartplease Tue 28-Mar-17 07:08:20

Well done op do you have some real life support

Cinnamon2013 Tue 28-Mar-17 07:21:53

Well done OP. I've been in a similar situation. I know you think it's all over (and hopefully it is) but the next challenge is to stay strong and stay away. He will try everything - everything- to get back into your life. Surround yourself with friends and family and people who have your best interests at heart. I know you think you would never go back but you've come so far and you need to make sure he doesn't charm you again

notarehearsal Tue 28-Mar-17 08:02:27

It sounds very much as if he has a personality disorder, he has emotional disregulation. Please don't ever let this man back into your life, it will get worse. If he is how he appears his attempts to get you back could well be more scary than what you have experienced so far. Google 'outofthefog' for an interesting forum around personality disorders

jeaux90 Tue 28-Mar-17 08:56:57

Well done!! Super strong woman.

Make sure you block him and stay no contact. This bit is quite hard but really necessary x

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Mar-17 09:07:31

Well done seeing him for what he is.
A nasty abusive bully.
Please do call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Get some support.
He will have done some damage that you might not realise just yet.
Also ask WA about their Freedom Programme.
You need this to avoid dickheads like this in future.
To set your boundaries so nothing like this ever happens to you again.
I hope you have a lovely abuse free future with your lovely DD.

itsme40 Tue 28-Mar-17 20:42:03

Thank you all for the replies , it helps me a lot to read your messages of support flowers
I feel that i can not crumble now even if sometimes i feel like it (the mental abuse he put me through it has affected me) because i have to make sure that my daughter is safe.The first thing i did was to send her to stay with her dad at least for this week. I remembered something he said at some point in the past and its terrified me. At some point in the past , while he was talking about his achievements and how well he can read people now i realize most of the achievements were imaginary ) he said something along the lines that if anyone ever messes with him he he will hurt their family so he can inflict the biggest pain. At the time it didnt register in my head , but now it does and it terrifies me. Of course it maybe well be one more of his fantasies but i take no risks
As for me, he called last night to tell me that i am bitch and i ruin it all and i hurt him and i am "mean" and i am this and that . I stayed quiet and then he put the phone down. Few minutes later he called full of rage asking "why i didnt call him back when he put the phone down and that i dont care"....Yesterday , i saw everything clearly and i realised how crazy and disturbed this person is
One thing that helped me to escape from him was that i tried to find explanation for his behavior because it started affecting me very very much, making me nervous, frustrated, afraid, losing my sense of whats normal. I found my self one day , receiving a message from him telling me that he is very tired due to work and i replied "oh well thats expected" and immediately get panicked that i didnt use comma after the oh and it would seem to him that i said "oh well" as i dont care enough. That was the moment i realized something was seriously wrong . I researched and read about narcissistic disorder and everything suddenly got a name and explanation. That helped me so much to keep my sanity and eventually to break free when it got too much to the point to be against my child
I will go and stay with a friend for tonight, thank you all for the messages. I feel embarrassed for putting people around me through this, and ashamed for letting it go on for so long.

itsme40 Tue 28-Mar-17 20:43:42

When it all calms down i will call womens aid if i feel that i need support, thank you for recommending it

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Wed 29-Mar-17 12:04:36

Please stay strong itsme - don't go back. He will do everything he can to wear you down, so that in the end you may think its easier to be with him (I did this). He'll then be all sweetness and light for a few weeks, but will show his true colours again, eventually.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Mar-17 13:50:08

It's 2 years.
And not the full 2 years.
Many hundreds of women don't get out so early on so don't feel ashamed.
It takes bravery and guts to get out of an abusive relationship.
But you've done it!
Be proud of yourself.
Stay strong and stay away.
Do you have to stay in contact with him for now?
Could you block him?

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 29-Mar-17 13:54:14

Well done, stay strong and don't let him worm his way back into your life. You and your daughter will be so much happier without him. Remember him at his worst if you ever feel like you are weakening in your resolve to stay away.

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 14:04:31

OP, you are truly amazing, and strong.

I cant believe he said those things about your dd, - dump her, send
her to her dads, he wishes you had slept with 100 men rather than have a kid !! That's just sick!

I can imagine how awful he would have been to her if he had met her

Well done OP, Is there anyway you can block him as if he keeps hearing your voice when he calls you then it will just make him madder?

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:12:50

We should all do things earlier than we do, fact is you did it, so well done, you're great!

user1490789733 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:25:01

I am terribly sorry to hear your story. He sounds like a right b*stard. I think you have done the right thing by getting your DD out of the way.

He may be very frustrated....is he "successful" ? [whatever that means - it basically means does he have self esteem resulting from various achievements in his life (not just self esteem based upon brain chemistry, which some unfortunate men have.)]

Life has changed a lot for both sexes. I am a Feminist, believing that now is the time women need to take over many key roles in the world world. [am a bloke]

Many men have a natural and unfortunate need to be head-strong, dominant and seen as significant and successful. This does not fit too well in modern society.

You are better without him. I suggest you see a psychotherapist and talk things out.

In the past I have had similar temper tantrums with my wife that came from a combination of feeling "put down" at work, being expected to provide everything for a seemingly ungrateful family and then feeling humiliated by my good wife, in the way she ordered me around. "Not that tablecloth, you twit!" "Don't you know where she lives? You've driven there umpteen times!"

I am not meaning to be rude at all, but do you generally get on with people? He is definitely at fault. But you need to look into yourself and analyse how you might have made matters worse - for the sake of future relationships.

NotTheFordType Wed 29-Mar-17 14:45:04

User please do feel free to take your very much anti-feminist viewpoint off somewhere else hmm

OP you're doing really well. I also recommend the Freedom programme. It will help you set boundaries with people in your life, not just potential romantic relationships but other relationships as well.

itsme40 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:03:28

user1490789733
your words
I am not meaning to be rude at all, but do you generally get on with people? He is definitely at fault. But you need to look into yourself and analyse how you might have made matters worse - for the sake of future relationships
Yes i get on very well with people, i am a very calm and polite person and i like traditional values.
You imply above that somehow his behavior is triggered by me. You maybe try to seem polite but this is an abusers mentality. Whatever somene does to you, you are an adult and the way you chose to react is your responsibility and none else's
To talk about his , his rage isnt normal, is out of proportion and over trivial things. If you had read properly the examples i describe you would never come up with the thought that is somehow my fault. Maybe have a look at yourself and tell us why you excuse an abuser
Perhaps you got confused over what i said about been successful. As i said everything explained and helped me keep my sanity when i read about NPP. Everything the disorder is about he has it. One of them characteristics is the need to create and preserve a false image of success and self importance. He would tell all them stories how he did this and that and the other and none of them are real.
I would never minimize anyone's achievements or success.
I hope that resolved some of your questions, but still your mentality is wrong and insulting to every woman who ever been victim of this sort of abuse. You will never realise untill it happens to you

itsme40 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:10:54

Thank you all for the support and the lovely messages flowers flowers
It means a lot to me and it helps me stay strong. Every time that i feel that i maybe break i remember all the humiliation and mental abuse he made me suffer and how slowly lost myself and end up terrified over saying anything wrong and helps me stay strong to my purpose. Most of all i remember how he tried to manipulate me into make my child "dissapear" to prove that i love him, and then the only thing that i feel is disgust. Thank you all again

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 15:27:32

It sounds like that comment was "the switch", you had a line and he crossed it.

You also sound like a really bright woman, your response and ability to recognise these Narc characteristics in Users comment above is smack on.

I did ask but I don't think you saw my question, have you blocked him now as I think the more he calls and hears your voice the more angry he will become? xx

pinkyredrose Wed 29-Mar-17 15:27:57

Well done OP! Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

user there's a thread on the feminists board called men who parade how feminist they are can fuck right off , you would do well to read it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now