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"Feels like we're just friends"

(13 Posts)
somehelpneeded Mon 27-Mar-17 21:42:07

DH had said these fateful words. Am looking for advice/experience about how others dealt with this. I feel torn betweem just telling him to fuck off then and being patient/trying to somehow improve things.

Just so I'm not dripfeeding, we have 2 DC. When youngest was about 2 he had an EA a few years ago, which we did deal with and move on from (counselling).

We have also had the whole redundancies, bereavement life shit thrown at us so our relationship had not had a lot of TLC. Not had sex for months.

Does this sound repairable??

Bones2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 21:44:33

Is his EA definitely over?? I'm sorry but I'm talking from experience? My H would never have done this to me. But he has. And I dismissed it so many times.

My advice, say nothing but start snooping. I hope I'm wrong in your case. X

somehelpneeded Mon 27-Mar-17 21:51:40

Hi, yes definitely over (I do have sound reason to say this with confidence). That said, I have read enough on here to know that lots of people get caught our by this...sorry to hear that you are one of them.

Think I will do some snooping anyway. Where are you at with it now Bones?

Any words of wisdom from anyone else?

somehelpneeded Mon 27-Mar-17 21:54:42

He's doing the whole "it's not you, it's me" spiele, which just makes me want to slap him.

Bones2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 22:04:50

Are you aware of the script Op? It sounds awful and you don't want to face it but at least in my case, it was the truth. I'm 4 months in post leaving day. But one month since my suspicions were proven via his mobile phone bills.

You have to secretly snoop. He's at least had an EA once so you know he's already been on the lookout. Maybe it's someone different? Just be aware. Men don't usually leave unless they have someone to go to. Women can leave because they're just unhappy. And I'll probably get murdered on here for that but 99% of the stories I've read are the same - an OW. X

MichaelSheensNextDW Mon 27-Mar-17 22:35:02

I'd just stop fulfulling your end of the bargain as a partner tbh - be a friend and no more. No snogging, no sex, nothing you wouldn't do with/for a friend. Whilst quickly getting your ducks in a row to prepare for a possible split.
He's hoping you'll do the pick me dance - call his bluff and pull the rug out from under him.

user1483387154 Mon 27-Mar-17 22:37:01

Is he saying it as a platform to work on and improve your relationship or to end the relationship?

inkydinky Mon 27-Mar-17 23:16:09

Oh I'm sorry (if this is bad news, I appreciate it might not be)

I suspect he's preparing you for a leaving conversation or as others have suggested justifying something (possibly both)

If it is about improving things my bet is that he's about to tell you he wants to have more sex (unless you have already had this conversation? I know that for some couples it becomes a bit of an elephant in the room after a while. It certainly did in my marriage)

If it's the latter it may be presented as the thing that will fix how he feels. You need to work out how you feel about that. I assume that the reasons for the lack of intimacy are not just about tiredness etc and reflect a deeper problem.

What do you actually want?

When I had similar from my now exH I knew I didn't want to improve things. I had checked out a bit really and couldn't see us becoming intimate / loving again. I'd have maintained the status quo for my children but wasn't interested in 'stepping up' as it were so he left.

somehelpneeded Tue 28-Mar-17 09:52:05

Checked his phone in the night - nothing remotely suspicious. As I said, I am confident there isn't an OW, although yes I am familiar with The Script and how many other women are duped.

I genuinely think our relationship has been neglected and possibly could be revived with a bit of effort. A bit like you though inky I don't know if I have the energy to step up.

Really confused because if this wasn't happening now (when I have got other major stuff going on) then I probably would have the energy to give more to the relationship. I'm cross with him that he's chosen now to bring this to the fore and he himself admitted maybe he wants me to tell him to leave (yep part of the script again isn't it? hmm )

Really value your comments, thank you. Further views welcome.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 09:53:41

Similar threads always end up with an ow waiting in the wings. .

somehelpneeded Tue 28-Mar-17 09:54:43

In answer to what I want... I was also happy with the status quo for the sake of the family unit, which really was fine when I thought he loved me. But not good to have two of us in it half hearted is it? sad

somehelpneeded Tue 28-Mar-17 09:55:24

I know wish sad

somehelpneeded Tue 28-Mar-17 09:56:38

He's saying he doesn't know what he wants - to answer user 's question

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