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Getting married again. How do you know?

(28 Posts)
WhenIsTheTime Mon 27-Mar-17 21:08:46

I've NC as this is very outing.

We are both in our late 40s and have children who are young adults so they're all doing the leaving home hokey cokey

We met over a year ago, he proposed, we moved in together and we are incredibly happy.
Not that stupid happy of mad teenage love but very content.
We laugh, we're very busy but we spend lots of time together, we're happy spending a Sunday morning in bed, we talk about everything, walk together, go out together, compromise but not too much.

All of our children get on.
It couldn't have gone better to be honest.

There are no red flags, none.
I wish I'd met him years ago.
We have a strong foundation and a healthy relationship.
I'm excited when I finish work for the day and I get to go home to him and he feels the same way too.

We are getting married because we are very much in love.
We won't have anymore children, aren't financially dependant on each other but for us it's a celebration for us, our families and friends and to stand up and say 'I love this person, now let's celebrate it'.

I'm old enough to know that I know nothing!
I do think I'm being very over-analytical and I'm not about to call off the wedding, not at all.
I want to marry him but my big question, having had such an awful first marriage is how can I be sure this time?
I just don't want to repeat the monumental fuck up of my first marriage.
How were you sure? This is particularly directed at second or third or more timers but all opinions are welcome.
How did you know it was the right thing to do?
Does anyone know?

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 27-Mar-17 21:27:36

I remember asking my dad this when he married my DSM. He said you never know but you take a leap of faith and travel hopefully.

For me it was different and I can't tell you how different my second marriage is to my awful awful first one. A lot of what you say is very familiar, which is a good thing I think!

I literally cannot imagine my life without my (current) DH. I knew early on that he was the only person I'd ever felt or would feel this way about.

He had two DC, I don't have any yet but we're working on it. Life is an awful lot more complicated than it used to be for either of us and we talked a LOT about why we wanted to be married, what we wanted from it and each other, how he future looked, what we'd both learnt from our pasts, what lessons we could take into our life together.

If that sounds boring I can only say that it didn't feel that way, it felt like we loved each other enough to invest heavily in us and our future and we resolved hard not to repeat any of our past mistakes and to make sure we always give our relationship 100%, not just 50%.

Despite the complications, stresses, day to day stuff of life, our relationship couldn't feel easier, more peaceful, content, like you say, optimistic and nurturing. In the run up to the (teeny tiny absolutely no stress) day, we spent far more time talking about our marriage than our wedding.

Hindsight as they say is 20/20 and I don't regret my first marriage because I wouldn't be where I am today without it, but there were moments the night before and during the vows where I think I had small doubts. My feelings on what I need, want and deserve have changed a lot since then and I can't believe what a load of shit I put up with for as long as I did. I'd known him for 10 years and he became a really very unpleasant violent terrifying man to be around.

You can never be sure who someone really is. But none of that gave me a moments pause about marrying this wonderful man. Like you, I wish I'd met him years ago. I feel like we wasted so much time! But we're the people we are today because of all that. And this marriage is happy and we adore each other.

I haven't read it yet but I bought myself a book on how to have a successful second marriage! So there's stuff on this out there if it would help.

You sound like you're really happy and very much in love. Trust your gut and just travel hopefully. Talk anything you need to out BEFORE you tie the knot. Be completely honest with each other. I wish you a happy life with your second chance.

Bones2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 21:34:55

Oh I can feel the love in your post op! Previous heartbreak (what I'm going through now) will have a lasting effect. But you sound so happy at the same time! I wish you both all the best and all the happiness in the world. Xx

WhenIsTheTime Mon 27-Mar-17 21:36:06

Anne that is such a touching post, you sound so happy and you echo my our feelings well. That's a wise post.

I'm in agreement with you on everything.

You're right in what you say, sometimes we do just have to take a leap of faith.
Right now I'm on top of the bridge before I take the leap, with the bungy safely attached to me. This is what I want to do but I'm taking in that deep breath of fear.

Runningissimple Mon 27-Mar-17 21:41:20

No advice but as someone in their early forties going through a nasty divorce, it's encouraging to hear that there is life beyond.

I feel your fear but how wonderful for you to have this second chance. Good luck. I guess there's no life without risk!

HazelBite Mon 27-Mar-17 21:52:40

I had a brief but horrible first marriage.
I didn't want to get married a second time, couldn't see the point was quite content for now DH to be DP and just carry on.
Fortunately I was persuaded, we are about to celebrate our ruby wedding.
What I would say is you do know what you won't tolerate in a partner when you've had a bad experience, so hopefully you pick someone who you know you will be able to live with happily.

Chasingsquirrels Mon 27-Mar-17 22:22:29

I just knew I wanted to be with him.
He kept asking me to marry him, I kept saying no (been there, got the t-shirt, failed).
He stopped asking and I realised actually I did want to marry him.
So I asked him and he couldn't have said yes any quicker.

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 27-Mar-17 22:30:37

Ah, good thread, watching with great interest. Been with new fella just over a year, we both have kids who are still at school (and who havent met yet). When we spend time together it is so calming and I love the bones of him. We were away for a long weekend recently and it was just effortless and content. He isn't perfect but I admire him hugely and he is my tonic. He is creative and clever and the moment I met him I just clicked. A year on still feel like the cat that got the cream!

Our kids are young ish (though all at secondary) so pace is slow and steady and I love it. We were talking the other day though about the whole thing of living for now and after my total fuck up of a first marriage (plus a year of psychotherapy - first husband was/is a twunt but I have grown up some, it needed to happen).. can one still know? Can one trust that feeling? I know more than I did then for sure. But what I know is still minuscule...!

Ellisandra Mon 27-Mar-17 22:57:28

I'm marrying again next year, I'm very happy and I know he's a better fit for me.

But I'm going to be less romantic than other posters...

I think, having been divorced once I know the ropes! I certainly don't want to get divorced again, but if I do make a mistake - so what?! Don't over think it. If it feels right, do it. And if you change your mind, divorce him. You're allowed to!

MirandaWest Mon 27-Mar-17 23:05:08

I got married last summer. DH and I are both in our 40s and both of us have been married before.

We both know neither of us is perfect but we're us and being together is a very good thing. We both know mistakes we made in our previous marriages and we talk a lot and when there's things that aren't so good we try and talk more.

I don't think anyone can know that a marriage will or won't work but DH and I are both very determined to give it our best shot.

Our wedding day was a lovely happy day and I'd love to do it again. Was just how we wanted it and the people who came seemed to enjoy it too smile

Hermonie2016 Mon 27-Mar-17 23:09:57

So I might put a downer on other posts!

A year isn't very long so would expect you are in the honeymoon period still.Have you had conflict? Do you know his negative traits? Is there a reason to rush marriage?

I doubt if you ever know for definite but I think time is the only way you can reduce the risk of divorce.

Harsh reality check - If you did divorce in 5 years what would be the financial impact to you?

LesisMiserable Mon 27-Mar-17 23:43:30

We are getting married this year - been together two and half years - will not be living together for a few years yet though - suits us both very well. Was married previously for 4 years to DD's dad. Not a horrendous marriage - just a bad fit. This one is much better. I also think a year is early doors to get married but if it's right , it's right and who is to say it isnt smile

MyheartbelongstoG Mon 27-Mar-17 23:59:51

Op, what a lovely post. I too feel the love coming from it

I too had a dreadful first marriage, my only marriage so far. He was a nasty bastard. I was with him for 12 years. 12 years too long.

Now I'm the other side of it, I feel so angry that he took away the best years of my life. But then I realise that actually, he didn't as I'm living the best years of my life right now. I'm so happy, me children are so happy. I love to see then come in and kick of their shoes because now they can with no fear.

I'm now with the most wonderful man for the last 3 years. He is so good to my children whom he refers to as ours. He comes to their plays, cooks with them, drops them to school. The lot!

Had I not met him myself, I never would of believed he existed. I love him so much and him me and I feel it every day.

Go with your gut op, you sound so happy. I love what Anne said too about learning from the past and bringing it into their life together. I think this is my new mantra.

I wish you both happiness and a lovely life together.

Keep the thread going going and more lovely stories please everyone!

SaltySeaDog72 Tue 28-Mar-17 06:45:02

I agree a year is still early days and very much the honeymoon period. I made a pact with myself to take at least two years to get to know him. Plus conflict. That's really important. We have had a couple of minor issues crop up and I watch very closely how we handle these. I need to keep implementing what cropped up in therapy. Can't make any rash moves with kids either, we haven't discussed living together. So I keep on 'assessing' and going with the flow. And enjoying plenty of adult time away from kids.

DevelopingDetritus Tue 28-Mar-17 07:03:16

I suppose you can never know 100% but it sounds pretty damn certain. Good luck and best wishes.

DaffodilTime Tue 28-Mar-17 08:39:11

I think saltyseadog has something as it's a good thing is to look beyond how you are 'feeling' - what he's like In general and to other people is important / how he copes when stressed for example. eg is he always kind? Does he get angry easily?
As inevitably there are stressful times in life and in my experience having a husband who is only kind and loving even when I'm overtired or unreasonable and the newness of everything has gone is fantastic !
We've been married 15 years btw but been through a lot of life's tougher moments.

I am sure how you will both act in the years ahead is a big part too e.g. In the early days we knew never to go to bed angry with each other. Now it doesn't happen anyway as we've learnt each other so well and it sounds exciting for you- I think there's every chance you'll be really happy this time round as you'll know more what wasn't right for you.

AromatAddict Tue 28-Mar-17 09:04:02

Nobody can know 100% can they? I think as long as you both bring fairly equal things to the marriage financially and agree to take only what you brought and no more if you split, it's got to be worth a punt hasn't it? I am in my first marriage and DH is in his second. I have had live in partners though. We have been married 15 years and it has been brilliant! I was nervous of marriage as so many fail but I felt like I had to give it a go as he wanted to get married and I didn't want to turn him down just in case it was good and it has been. We are very similar in our views and get on really well. I can't imagine being with anyone else and have no interest in being with anyone else. Give it a try. Give it your best shot. You will never know otherwise.

JonesyAndTheSalad Tue 28-Mar-17 09:08:53

I think a year is too short a time. I didn't marry DH until we'd spent 5 years together. In that time we'd been through a lot...it's the big things that show you if someone is the person you want to marry.

How they cope with the death of a loved one for example. How they manage when they or you are injured or sick.

I couldn't marry someone after a year.

bluejelly Tue 28-Mar-17 09:15:41

I agree a year is too short. He may be the right person to marry but I would urge you to wait at least 2-3 years. I have been with my dp 8 years, but have really got to know him properly in last 3. We have been through tough times - deaths, family problems, MH issues. Now I know for sure he is the right one for me, because he handled it all with calm, logic and affection.
Neither of us want to get married but we know we are in it till death do us part - no doubt.

HouseworkIsASin10 Tue 28-Mar-17 09:59:05

I am in the same boat, getting married this year for 2nd time.

Went through the most bitter divorce years ago and question why would I take the risk again. Answer is I am better prepared, have been living with DP for a long time so know all there is to know about him. He is my best friend, and gives me butterflies all the time.

DP is so different to 1st husband. We are so compatible it's untrue. He has done nothing to make me doubt him but at this age I am so cynical. I suppose first time round you don't mind making that leap of faith, but at this age you don't want to look a fool for buggering up again.

coxsorangepippin Tue 28-Mar-17 10:16:46

We were really surprised to find the marriage preparation course these people run (alongside their already-married course) great, despite having been together for a long time and not being Christian - www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/28/mission-to-save-marriages

JonesyAndTheSalad Tue 28-Mar-17 10:45:06

COx no offence but that sentence sounds like total clickbait. Who was really surprised and why?

HmmOkay Tue 28-Mar-17 10:52:54

You can't be sure. You can't be sure of anything in life.

But you are both happy and in love. Your children are happy. That's more than enough. I'd only urge a little bit of caution if a couple's children were a bit younger than yours.

Good luck.

coxsorangepippin Tue 28-Mar-17 17:17:32

jonesy sorry! Re reading it I see what you mean! All I meant was, I was really sceptical about the course (we had a church wedding and the vicar wanted us to go, I am not anti religious but not a churchgoer) so I turned up sort of with gritted teeth. But DH and I both really liked it which surprised me. Getting married still a leap in the dark but I found the course oddly reassuring. Does that make more sense?

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Mar-17 17:24:10

It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship, OP.

I think I'd be looking at why he got divorced, whether he and his ex get along well, whether his children see him voluntarily and whether they're nice, too. I'd look at his friends - are they decent people? Reliable?

I'd look at the money side if you split up - are you evenly balanced or will one of you massively benefit/lose out on marriage? Also, what are your plans for the future? Where will you live? Will you retire when your children have children - will he? How much of your money will go to the kids over the years - gifts, loans etc?

These are all things which create problems, so I'd get them sorted, either legally or in my own mind, before getting married.

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