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does any one else feel they have too much going on to be loved?

(35 Posts)
happyfrown Mon 27-Mar-17 17:16:32

it got me thinking yesterday when a bus driver wrote 'coffee? and his number' on back of a ticket. I must look easy or desperate cos I aint pretty? hmm

anyway, my first thoughts were, gosh he wouldn't want to date me, im hard work, got 3 kids, lots of shit going on with my mental health..... my 2nd thought was oh dear, im not going to reply and now i'll feel awkward everytime his bus pulls up!

im not unhappy being single, I like my home to myself, no man smells, sex pesters, got free time etc but would be lying if I said I didn't feel lonely. however I don't think I have the mental energy to entertain a relationship? don't know if that would change any time soon.

then I got to think of the dc's. my ds's from 1st relationship had to adapt to my 2nd partner (now ex) coming into their lives which they found hard, I don't want to put them through it again?
dd from recent ex I feel like I have to protect more as she attaches herself to people quite easy. also I know it may not be relevant to some - but my step father asked me to take my clothes off when I was in my 20's and it does worry me. im not saying all step fathers are cringy but I cant help to have trust issues.

so, im wondering if I would ever feel like I have enough space in my head to think im worthy of love or to be that some ones 'special'
any one else felt like this?

Notthecarwashagain Mon 27-Mar-17 17:23:22

I feel exactly the same.

Sometimes I'd love to have a partner, but then I start thinking about how they'd then get to know the real me, and all my weirdness, and run a mile.
My son has some additional needs and is fairly possessive.
Also I'm too lazy, and in my free time, I just want to 'be'

No advice, sorry, but totally get you!

Notthecarwashagain Mon 27-Mar-17 17:24:44

I'm sure you don't look easy or desperate, btw!

lizzyj4 Mon 27-Mar-17 17:34:03

I'm in a similar place - happy to be single for now and have so much going on I just can't see how a relationship would fit in (time wise or psychologically, iyswim). It may be because my exh was so...o...o high maintenance, I really don't want to find myself in the same situation again.

I've kind of taken the decision to just shelf the idea for a few years until my youngest dc is 16 and I've had chance to grow my business to where I want it to be. But I feel happy with the situation, and I suspect once I get to 'a few years' I'll be too used to my own company to contemplate a relationship then either.

flowers for you - absolutely you are worthy of love.

InTheMoodForLove Mon 27-Mar-17 17:41:39

more to the point
was he cute ?
if you think so, why not to accept a drink
at the very least, if he is a bus driver one could assume he is safe, traceable, on camera nearly 24/7, you already know more than any (weirdo) one you could meet on line

HerOtherHalf Mon 27-Mar-17 17:50:26

Of course you're worthy. It just sounds like, right now, you are happier on balance being single. When you are ready, you will know it and can then focus on finding someone that deserves you and ticks all your boxes. It is really important though not to undervalue yourself and think you have to settle for second best.

happyfrown Mon 27-Mar-17 18:09:29

im glad there are others who feel the same. I do feel like im from another planet with my extreme mood swings and odd habits. i can be really talkative one week then not want to see any one for a few weeks. imagine telling your partner you don't want to see him for a few weeks hmm

I often feel so low I don't want to be here, I wouldn't want to put that on any one (which is part of the reason the ex is my ex)

inthemood hahaha, I didn't really take much notice of him to be honest, just getting on a bus as I do. he looked a little older than me possibly, i guess i would of remembered his face if i was attracted to him. BUT i have to say i was teary getting on the bus as id just visited my friend who lost her baby night before. he asked if i was ok. id replied that my friend had a loss and found him passing his number abit inconsiderate.

happyfrown Mon 27-Mar-17 21:39:45

another box mr future would need to tick is the fact that I don't want any more kids. knowing my luck my perfect match doesn't have but wants kids, which makes it not so perfect!

then theres the fact that I don't and pretty much never have had a high sex drive. im pretty dull really. cant see me getting much of the tick list filled.

TheNaze73 Tue 28-Mar-17 08:03:27

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.

You're way over complicating it. He's asked you out as he fancies you.

wobblywonderwoman Tue 28-Mar-17 08:06:51

I kind of think you could give it a shot. Go for one date.
I don't think he was being inconsiderate - he was offering a drink and a chat.

claraschu Tue 28-Mar-17 08:08:21

Maybe he was trying to be friendly and cheer you up as you were upset. I am sure he wouldn't have given you his number if he wasn't also interested in going out with you, but is it possible he was trying to be kind, not to take advantage of you?

happyfrown Tue 28-Mar-17 09:29:47

sorry its not written well, I don't mean to come across like im fretting over the bus driver and not wanting kids with him and mapping out our future , it was the thought of ever settling down again with anyone, it just got me me thinking if id EVER feel comfortable, confident or ready that's all really.

Im not ready to be in a relationship right now. when I split up with last long term partner I just see me being on my own.

PicturesOfYou Tue 28-Mar-17 09:36:48

Same here, OP.

Emotionally abusive upbringing; 2 serious long term relationships as an adult - both abusive; 3 short term things in the last 5 years all of which ended because I wasn't attractive enough, young enough, slim enough (respectively). I ended them, but those were the reasons.

I've never been loved. Now I'm 42 and I can't see that ever changing now; I don't want to put myself through it again to take a chance. Not that anyone is interested anyway...

PicturesOfYou Tue 28-Mar-17 09:38:21

Oh and just to add, no one has ever just given me their number or asked me out for a coffee like you have been!! Ever.

I understand your hesitation, but you must be attractive. He didn't ask you out based on your personality did he?

PicturesOfYou Tue 28-Mar-17 09:39:31

Hm, just read that bit about him giving you his number when you were upset.

That would bother me.

PicturesOfYou Tue 28-Mar-17 09:39:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happyfrown Tue 28-Mar-17 10:04:23

sorry to hear that pictures who said you wasn't pretty or slim enough? the partner or yourself esteem is low?

when I look in the mirror I just see ugly. im very self critical and find faults with everything. then top that with the fact I don't drink, have social anxiety so don't go out much, count calories - I weigh lettuce ffs! no sex drive, no hobbies, I feel like I have nothing to offer? yet no one will no this until they get to know me by which time I think they would be running!

PicturesOfYou Tue 28-Mar-17 10:12:11

Oh 3 boyfriends I've had since my (loveless and sexless marriage) late 30s. First one revealed through a number of conversations over the months that he'd always dated very beautiful women and that he'd found they'd quite often been hit on, a couple had cheated on him. He felt more comfortable with me because the likelihood of that happening was less. Unfortunately, it also meant that I didn't compare favourably to his exes and he was a bit embarrassed about being seen with me. So I ended it.

The second, I got on with brilliantly, his parents liked me, his friends did... but he struggled with the idea of dating an 'older' woman. I was still 3 years younger than him, but no longer 30. It went rapidly downhill the weekend I turned 40 and he went from only having eyes for me to eyeing up every woman under 30 over night. So I ended it.

The third was quite recent, again, got on brilliantly, no problems but he was very fit and slim, his ex was tiny and, whilst I'm not huge, I am a little overweight, and it was just wasn't right for him...

Oddly, my self esteem is ok. And, as such, I won't ever put myself in that position again.

somehelpneeded Tue 28-Mar-17 10:24:30

I can empathasise. Except I am actually married and my relationship is suffering.

In term of the bus driver - this is the sort of thing my Dad would do - he's a romantic and thinks/want life should be like in the films...when in reality many women he meets find him OTT with the romantic crazy gestures. The bus driver probably genuinely did have good intentions and in some ways you have nothing to lose by meeting for coffee....

happyfrown Tue 28-Mar-17 10:56:02

pictures that's awful how you been treated, I can see why you wouldn't want to be hesitant. I think men like that get their comeuppance and one day. karma is real!
I do hope one day some one makes you feel loved and cherished.

somehelp sorry to hear that, whats making it hard?
I gave up on trying to be interesting enough for someone so ended the 7yr strange relationship. amongst equal amounts of ex bad habbits.

I don't think I will be messaging the bus driver, it was just his actions of possible future relationships and the fact that I throw up a barrier at the thought of it makes me worry i'll be like it forever.

I remember working in a night club, the bar tenders used to put bets on who can 'bed' any potential 'easy looking' short skirted regular first! sounds silly but it stayed with me and I can imagine the bus drivers talking amongst themselves about him giving me his number. but that's just my head overworking sad

happyfrown Tue 28-Mar-17 10:57:45

*would be hesitant not wouldn't want!

PicturesOfYou Tue 28-Mar-17 11:07:23

Tbh, I don't think there was anything really wrong with the 3 men over the last 5 years. We all like what we like. I think the first was just following the "do what you've always done, get what you've always got" principle and trying doing something differently and it didn't work; the second, I don't think he knew how much of an issue it would become for him until I hit 40 and the last one, if you like slim women, then you're not going to want one with a stone to lose, are you?

I don't think I will find someone who loves and cherishes me now. I'm not open to it. I am mistrustful and doubt the intentions of the majority of men who show any interest.

Besides, I wouldn't someone who thinks they couldn't do any better than me...

happyfrown Tue 28-Mar-17 11:24:23

I'm not open to it. I am mistrustful and doubt the intentions of the majority of men who show any interest. Besides, I wouldn't someone who thinks they couldn't do any better than me...

^ this is exactly how I feel too. ive just never known how to put it in words.

the one who wants slim under 30s has issues! you are perfect, if not to yourself - to someone, and deserve some one who accepts you the way you are/who you are.
I couldn't be with some one who needed to change me or vice-versa. it wouldn't work. I always worried when with my partner that they would find some one more interesting, prettier and less uptight. less mentally challenged. I could never relax.

badgerread Tue 28-Mar-17 11:37:51

I know how you feel. I'm currently in a relationship of 4.5years. We both have 2 dc from previous marriages. We don't live together. He wants to but I've been living alone with the children for 7 years now and don't want to give that up. I'm so busy with the children, the house and working full time that when I do have any spare time I just want it to be the children and I! I really haven't got time and am thinking of shelving the whole relationship thing until the children are older.....

happyfrown Tue 28-Mar-17 12:19:27

I was with latest ex P for 7yrs, we also never lived together but we had a dd together which made it awkward. I realised pretty soon after getting pregnant that his priorities were wrong and after living by myself independently for 2yrs (after controlling 1st partner) I wasn't prepared to give it up either. he couldn't have kept me and my older dc better than I can keep myself.

I think with the older 2 already having been through adapting to a new partner, I also think I need to wait a few years before considering any commitments.

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