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Am I doing the right thing?

(6 Posts)
Hf44 Mon 27-Mar-17 12:45:17

I would really like some advice please. I have been with my H 21 years and married for 15. We have 2 gorgeous children born through donor ivf (egg & sperm - my eggs were too old 40 Years and H sperm had incorrect chromosomes) after 5 failed rounds of IVF. H struggles with the fact that they are not genetically his which i can understand to some degree but as far as I am concerned (and the rest of the family - their Nan;s, uncles, aunts etc) they are my children 1000% (easier for me as I carried them and gave birth to them).
We have always had ups and downs and H is a big drinker which has not helped at all.
Whilst pregnant with my dd (my second child - which H encouraged me to have so she would have a genetic link to our DS even though he struggles with the donor issue) I suffered the most horrendous verbal abuse in front of my DS (who was only 2 at the time) for example being called a C**t mostly - and when I asked him why he was being so vile he said it was because I acted like a c**t. He basically become an alcoholic and drank huge amounts of wine and beer every night on an empty stomach and was fine while he was drinking before he passed out on the sofa, but it was the aftermath - the hangover and tiredness the next day, every day, was when the abuse came and I walked on egg shells for about 6 months. I was terrified of telling anyone (except my mum) in case it stressed me out even more and thought the stress might harm my baby. Thankfully she was born healthy, but H carried on drinking leaving me to do all the night feeds until she was 6 months old. Before I went to have our second embryo transferred he promised me he would stop drinking (in fact, has promised me this for years but it never happened so I don't know why I was so stupid to believe him - and drank heavily when DS was born as well.)
He has since apologised for the abuse and said 'I wan't myself" at the time and said he won't be like that again.
18 months on he has just started going to AA but still drinking about 3 nights a week and thinks he can control it. But now my DS is nearly 4 and H is always shouting at him and DS shouts back. H will often get in DS face and blow hot and cold with him. This morning H growled at DS and I have just come to the point where I can't have him doing this to my DS although DD can't do any wrong in his eyes. And I just can't forget or forgive his verbal abuse - especially as I was pregnant at the worst of it.
I have asked advice from my Mum who I am very close to but she says I have to do what I think is right and just wants to see he happy and knows I am very impressionable so will not tell me what to do. I can stay at my mums initially but we will have to find a place of my own at some point but don't know how we will cope financially but I need to take it a day at a time.
Am i doing the right thing taking the children away from their father. He does love them and always apologies to DS after he calms down but I can't have DS growing up thinking it is acceptable to shout and H and I are always arguing which is also not good for the children to witness.
I am so lucky to have my children after spending 11 years trying and love them so much I don't want them to be affected by this. My father left when i was four so I never wanted this to happen to my own children. Is leaving the best decision??
Thanks for reading.

category12 Mon 27-Mar-17 13:02:23

Yes, leaving is the right decision, because growing up with this man 24/7 will harm your dc's emotionally. It can't be great for you either.

He has had plenty of opportunities to change and never fulfilled them. Time to stop waiting around for something that will never happen. He's an alcoholic, he loves the booze more than any of you.

Secretlife0fbees Mon 27-Mar-17 13:34:48

Yes it is most definitely the right thing to do. You can't have him behaving like that towards you and your son, trust me this will get worse as your son gets older. If you get out now your ds will probably forget. I separately recently my ds is nearly 11, I wanted to leave for years but always tried just one more time. I feel I have let my son down and I wish I had ended it much much sooner. You're doing the best for your dc, that's your job as a mother. He sounds like a vile person. flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 27-Mar-17 13:43:12

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

His primary relationship is and has always been with drink; its certainly not been with you.

Yes, leaving is the best decision in your particular circumstances. You cannot do another 11 years of this; infact 11 more months of this will further destroy you and your children from the inside out.

I would seek legal advice re divorce proceedings asap; knowledge is power.

Your children cannot and must not grow up thinking that their dad's behaviour is at all normal because it is not. He is a verbally abusive drunkard. They also see the aftermath of his rows with you as his wife; its no legacy to leave them.

Co-dependency is common in such relationships and I would read up on co-dependency; you are his enabler and probably co-dependent and have acted as such throughout your relationship.

Adora10 Mon 27-Mar-17 13:57:29

Yes you are; keeping your children away from him is the best thing you could do for them - and you!

This man is an alcoholic but on top of that verbally abuses you and he's not even got the excuse of being drunk at the time, he waits until after when he has a hangover to make you pay for it - utterly disgusting, please do it!

Hf44 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:23:04

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your replies.
There's so much going round in my head that I can't think straight at the moment so your views are appreciated.
SecretlifeOfbees - I have often thought if i keep trying things might get better but don't want to be here in another 10 years time wishing I had done it sooner. You haven't let your son down - one day he will understand it was a very difficult decision for you - as I hope my DS and DD will too as you just want your children to be healthy, safe and happy. That's all that matters to me.
I now have to think about the logistics - we are selling our house but haven't got a lot of equity in it so don't know where we will live - we can't stay at my mums forever. Any advice on that - those of you brave ladies who have made this move and come out the other side?

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