How is dating multiple people really ok?

[nehapea]

Hi all!

Lately I've been reading on Mumsnet and elsewhere that dating multiple people is the new norm and that everyone should be doing it otherwise he/she would miss out on dating opportunities. As someone who got back into the dating game quite recently, a lot of my friends advised me not to focus on one guy and to "keep my options open" and date multiple people.

I just can't understand this mindset. If we are talking about first or second dates then sure, I can see how it makes sense to go out with multiple people. However, once you move past the third/fourth date and even more so if the relationship gets physical, surely some kind of feelings start developing

How do you keep going out with multiple people without feeling dishonest? Even more so when sex is involved (I think many people would find normal to get physical after a third or fourth date). Where do you even find the time and energy to plan dates with multiple people?

I think until 10/15 years ago dating multiple people was not socially acceptable and most people would have found it disrespectful and dishonest. However I am starting to feel like I am naive, old school and deluded because I expect a man not to date other women while he is dating me, regardless of the famous "exclusivity speech".

Please tell me it is not just me! I feel so unfit for the modern dating world

[ayahuasca]

It's just human nature to enjoy a bit of variety isn't it. I get bored of the same schlong after a while.

[ShatnersWig]

aya So presumably you are not, and never have been, in a long term relationship or married?

OP I'm a man and I'm like you (aside from not having had a date in 5 years). After a second date I tend to know this is someone I'd like to see more of, that it could have some legs. At that point, I just can't reconcile dating other people. I want to put effort into this potential situation. And once something is physical, I absolutely couldn't date someone else. Just not in me.

[nehapea]

Shatners thanks God I am not the only "weirdo"

[NotJanine]

I think it is very odd too. I wouldn't do it and wouldn't want to get involved with anyone wo was either.

[EBearhug]

I don't think it's dishonest if you're open about it and the other person is aware. You need to decide when to become exclusive, and what feels right will probably be a bit different for everyone involved. If that's only a couple of dates, that's fine. If it's more, that's also fine, if you're other in agreement. If someone isn't prepared to listen to how you feel about it and will carry on, regardless of how you feel, why would you want further dates with someone who won't take your feelings into consideration?

[Popskipiekin]

Possibly something that has become more the norm with online dating? I viewed it (OLD) as a numbers game and sometimes had a date with a different person every day of the week! But those were only 1st/2nd dates max. I absolutely drew the line after there was any hint of things becoming physical - no way I wanted to be bed hopping (although I expect many people do do this - sex is a big part of a relationship for many people and plenty want to see how that side of things works out before ruling in/out options). I know my now DH was still seeing someone (although in what capacity I have no idea) when we were in the early days of dating - just the way some people do things.

[lottieandmia]

I don't like it at all because when people do this you don't know where you are with them. Plus it opens you up to diseases and all sorts.

[ShatnersWig]

OP Oh I'm very weird! I get narked when I see comments to people who are not long out of a long term relationship and are told to get out there immediately and date and have some fun, nothing serious, it's a way of getting over someone. That's fine IF you are totally up front and honest about that but you're potentially wasting someone else's time who IS looking for something serious.

[Tenshidarkangel]

Personally I'm rubbish at this. I keep trying it so "not to put all my eggs in one basket" but then I usually end up liking multiple people and trying to choose/ questioning my judgement.
I think it's to allow you time to work out if you would/wouldn't work in a relationship with someone which is fine if you're not committed yet.

[SleepFreeZone]

I decided to up the numbers game when OLD and it worked for me. You don't have to sleep with them all! You just go out and have some fun and date. There is no law that says after date 3 you have sex.

[Gowgirl]

Its very American, seems a bit satc to me.

[OlennasWimple]

I think it's an import from the US dating scene, where it is much more normal to have multiple dates on the go until you have a conversation and agree to be "exclusive"

[ShatnersWig]

Sleep I assume you paid your way on all these dates and didn't just expect all the men to pay?

[Cricrichan]

I wouldn't do it and wouldn't date anyone who would but then again I've never done OLD so you get to know someone and then start dating because you like them and vice versa.

With OLD you're getting to know them whilst you're dating but it'd still feel weird and as if you weren't giving them a chance.

[ShatnersWig]

I do think - sorry for yet another post but Cric makes a good point - that people don't give people a proper chance because of OLD. Because it's too sweet shop mentality. "I've got lots of irons in the fire, or there's plenty more online, so if there's no spark immediately, I needn't bother with another date" or if they aren't 100% what you're looking for, you don't give them a second date. And you easily miss out on the person who may well have been right because you were too hasty because you had all the other opportunities. I'm sure this is why I know loads of women who OLD and go and loads of first dates but moan they never meet Mr Right. It's because it's too superficial and "conveyor belt"

[nehapea]

Shatner That is fair enough, but when I say "dating" I don't mean going on a first or even second date. A first date is usually just a friendly meeting to get a sense of the other person. Sometimes a second date is needed to get some more perspective. Until a third/ fourth date, I think it is acceptable to date other people because things are effectively mostly friendly/ platonic (although I appreciate that sometimes people kiss or DTD on a first date, so this might not apply to that circumstance).

However if you keep going out with someone after a third or fourth date, usually both people have decided you they interested in each other and chances are things start to get physical, perhaps even just with a kiss.

After that point, I don't understand dating other people. Surely if you are keen on getting physical and going on more dates with someone, that means you like them.

Why would you not focus on getting to know that person and see how things go, before you go back on the dating arena? How can you possibly give the right amount of attention to a second or third person, if you are already into someone else?

[Blobby10]

Nehapea I'm with you on this one. I got completely overwhelmed just talking to 4/5 different men on OLD! Now i've been on 4 dates with one of them I have said bye to the others - definitely couldnt date anyone else at the same time.

[TheNaze73]

I think it's all about mindset & mentality. When I left my marriage, I wasn't looking for anything serious & dates multiple people but, was 100% honest about it.
After a few years, I found someone who I wanted to more than hang out with, I decided to take myself off the market. The only people who tend to have a problem with modern dating seem to be the ones in a rush & want to badge 3 dates as a relationship & to call someone they met last week as their other half. There's no right or wrong as long as people are honest

[happypoobum]

I think it's absolutely fine so long as you are honest.

How would it open you up to diseases? Obviously you would be using barrier protection for a long time and then have STD checks if you decided to be exclusive? I have quite a few friends who do a lot of OLD and that is what they all do.

I wouldn't sleep with someone after 2 or 3 dates anyway so that side of things wouldn't be an issue for me.

I think people rush into relationships far too quickly and being a bit more picky and taking your time before being exclusive is a good thing.

[SleepFreeZone]

shatner i did pay my way on my dates yes

[emilybrontescorset]

As long as both parties know where they stand then i don't see a problem.
Of course. It's wrong if one person believes they are in a serious relationship so honesty is the best policy.
I actually don't think people are too picky, i think problems Occur when people aren't choosey enough.
I'd much rather know from the onset that I'm not a,b or c than be strung along.

[JK1773]

I can't imagine dating more than one person and I wouldn't put up with anyone I was dating doing that either. But that's my personal choice I suppose. Maybe I'm old fashioned

[Destinysdaughter]

I assume you paid your way on all these dates and didn't just expect all the men to pay?

What's that got to do with anything?

[Aquamarine1029]

Why do you equate dating multiple people with being dishonest? If the adults involved are aware of the situation what's the problem?