Sometimes people take a dislike to me and are really spiteful to me

[TobyTheWoodenDog]

I have namechanged for this as I find it embarrassing and upsetting but basically although generally I get along with most people and am what I'd consider to be fairly likeable, from time to time I will come across someone who hates me from the word go. Which is ok, I don't expect everyone to like me, but these people will go out of their way to be nasty and spiteful to and about me when they don't even know me!

It started at secondary school really; I moved to a new area at the beginning of year 8 so everyone at my school already had friendship groups as they'd been at the school for a year, which was difficult in itself but one girl in particular took a dislike to me on my first day there and for the next few years was just an utter bitch to me for no reason at all. She was unfortunately in my form group and the majority of my lessons and would do things like tell people not to sit next to me, and just come up to me and say "I fucking hate you", would bitch about me to anyone that would listen, and would at any opportunity take my stuff and hide it during lessons. This went on from years 8-11 at school! I had friends but because she didn't like me I always felt as though no one fully committed to properly being my friend as she made such a song and dance about not liking me so they all went along with what she said.

Now in adulthood I still from time to time come across this type of person who will go out of their way to be spiteful to me; my DS is in year 4 at primary school and in his first week at school in reception a mum of a boy in his year decided that she didn't like me, for no apparent reason, and I've spent the past almost 5 years of having to listen to her loudly bitching about me at any opportunity, or saying "fucking bitch" if I walk past her or pointing me out to people and saying she doesn't like me! I have older kids and never had problems with any parents in their year but this really gets me down! And again as a result of her behaviour I feel that other mums in DS's year are wary of getting to know me as they're probably scared of her. She helps out at all PTA events and school trips too so I can't help out at any of those things because she's there!

I have also recently left a job that I'd been at for a year as again everyone was nice enough to me there except one woman, who again instantly decided that she didn't like me, and made it obvious and because she was the main ringleader of the group of people in the office everyone was happy for me to be excluded from things as she didn't like me.

Oh and on a hen weekend a few years ago a friend of a friend whom I'd never met before decided instantly that she didn't like me and was awful to me for the whole weekend!

How can I deal with this type of person? As I said, I don't expect everyone to like me but why do I always get people that are out and out nasty to me? If I don't like someone I just keep it to myself and carry about my life as normal; I certainly wouldn't start being nasty to and about them.

[QueenofallIsee]

Wow OP, that is incredible - I can honestly say that what you describe has never happened to me. A women in the playground that you have never spoken to calls you a bitch when you walk by! Goodness

I would deal with people like that with confrontation. I think that such an overt attack warrants an assertive response i.e 'What did you say? Why did you call me that, we have never even spoken before' - loud and public.

I have to say though that this feels a bit odd. Either you do something to engender dislike (which it doesn't seem as though you do) or you are so obviously vunerable that you attract abusers. Do you think that could be the case?

[TobyTheWoodenDog]

I'm not sure really tbh; I don't think I do anything to attract dislikes, I'm a pretty normal average person really, I am fairly quiet until I know someone. Then on the other hand I don't think I come across as particularly vulnerable either, just 'normal'. It baffles me it really does.

[Enelya]

This has happened to me to, in almost identical circumstances. In each case it's just one person and everyone else scratches their heads and wonders what's going on.

It does get me down sometimes because it feels so unfair, but I cultivate a "it's not me it's them" attitude and try to ignore it.

[gleam]

Perhaps you have inadvertently ignored them?

[TobyTheWoodenDog]

I don't think so gleam; they've all decided instantly that they didn't like me before I even had a chance to ignore them!

[TobyTheWoodenDog]

Enelya I try to cultivate that air too. It's hard though isn't it! Especially when everyone just weakly goes along with the horrible person

[TobyTheWoodenDog]

The reason I don't attend PTA stuff is because she would make such a scene and a fuss that everyone would think that I was involved in it too and think badly of me.

[justwanttoweeinpeace]

When I was a kid my dad gave me some really useful advice.

Treat everyone kindly and with respect, but remember that no matter what you do, around half the people you meet will like you and half won't.

My social anxiety makes me pretty convinced that in my case the figure is closer to 10% 90% but it's a bit of advice I've found very useful. Often people's opinions of you have little to do with you.

[Paperthinspider]

Don't underestimate how envious some people can be. That could be a reason.
Anyone who shouts abuse at you in the street (that you don't know!) is most probably unhinged so I wouldn't get in a heated discussion with them.

[sucue]

It has to be something about your appearance if they haven't spoken to you.

Are you attractive? Sounds like jealousy.

[gamerchick]

I'll bet you're not an alpha take the lead type and nor are you a pushover either? Shy and quiet until you get to know someone that can come over as aloof? It can rattle alpha people's cages because they don't know how to take you. They immediately think you believe you're better than them and adopt a 'who does she think she is' attitude.

You're threatening to them and they can't figure out why so the whole thing comes across as weird to everyone else.

No idea what the answer is though apart from be your friendly self and ignore it.

[RiverdaleJughead]

Are you sure you don't make comments which are offensive but you don't even notice? There's a girl like this at my work - she seems totally likeable and nice and then she'll just insult someone's accent or culture and carry on as normal thus gaining an enemy

[DonaldStott]

Someone calls you a fucking bitch in the school yard???!! For real? I cannot imagine that happening at dd's school. Mainly for the reason there are a lot of children around and calling someone a fucking bitch in front of children is very extreme behaviour. I would complain to the school that there is extremely foul language being used on the yard by a parent and they need to have a word.

[lottieandmia]

This sounds like jealousy to me.

[JuniDD]

gamerchick this is EXACTLY what happens to me all the time! Why do these people immediately assume we think we're better than them?! And not just quiet? I find it really fucking weird and annoying. I honestly don't spend much time looking down my nose at anyone but the instant anger is quite something. I just think these people must be so insecure, in spite of coming across as very loud and confident.

[TobyTheWoodenDog]

River, oh gosh definitely not lol! I'm not one of those 'say it as it is' people and would never dream of being unkind to or mocking someone

[CatThiefKeith]

Almost certainly jealousy. Are you particularly beautiful? Well groomed? Wealthy? Something about you is causing these women to feel insecure (I notice no men seem to have felt this way)

Maybe you give off a quiet confidence that unsettles insecure people?

Either way op, this is their issue, not yours, and you should ignore it. Or lift a quizzical eyebrow and smile to yourself when they do it, but that may enrage them ever more. Horrible cows.

[SteppingOnToes]

Can everyone be wrong? Are you inadvertently doing something that is socially unacceptable?

[JuniDD]

Hahah stepping. I have lots of lovely friends and generally get on with most people. It happens enough that I can immediately tell the 'type' of person who is going to try to upset me/be rude. I just smile blandly (further enraging them) and try to ignore.

[sucue]

OP, you have sidestepped the attractive question.

[SewMeARiver]

I remember 20 years ago when I worked in an office, with 4 women, there was this girl there. She didn't work directly for our department. But occasionally she would come in to ask for things, chase up some admin detail etc. She was a very cool, calm, unflappable and confident person, and also very intelligent. Her family were from Canada and quite wealthy, and avery good education. I think it showed. She had a sort of calm about her. She just wouldn't speak about unrelated miscellaneous stuff, so could be direct. She was popular with loads of people but her air of reserve riled other people up.

Everytime she popped in, as soon as she left the other women would call her a bitch. For no reason. It was pure jealousy and completely baffled me. I found her intriguing.

I do hate this sort of thing. I think being a woman there's an expectation that you should be cliquey. Or appear to be down to earth? I hate the whole thing.

[AnnaMoon]

The problem is theirs. If they have a problem with you, because they feel you have insulted them, I see no reason why they cannot simply talk to you about it. Even if that is awkward, it would solve the problem, and prevent further problems.
I would talk to the head of the school about incidents in the court yard, as this affects the children and is unacceptable.
I would go to PTA meetings, and if this person starts making a scene, I would remain calm, and later ask a personal appointment with the head to ask her to intervene.
This is not the kind of behaviour I would tolerate as Head.
We all have a duty to react against senseless conflicts - and this is one.
Do not shy away from PTA meetings or other school-related events: you have to stand up and be strong to show your children that you are strong and will not be bullied.
If children are bullied, we tell them to trust adults and school staff - in this case, I would advise you to take this up with the school's leadership team, and even higher up, if they do not take your complaints seriously.
Change the way you react to those incidents, you will become more confident, and they will stop re-occurring.
Wishing you loads of courage! And success!