Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me calm down so I don't message future MIL

(42 Posts)
Isthismummy Mon 27-Mar-17 08:34:06

Because right now my fingers are itching to do it!

Myself and dp are having a truly shitty time of it atm. The weekend before last we were told I am starting peri menopause on the same day we were due to begin an ivf cycle. It was cancelled, the NHS now won't help us and we are devastated.

DP text his DM yesterday morning wishing her happy Mother's Day and saying he would call her later. In response he gets the shittiest text about how she doesn't want him to bother, he never gets in touch with her/cares about her, how he treats her like shit and he's on his own from now on! She also said she sent the same text to his middle brother who is "just as bad as you" DP tried ringing her, but she wouldn't pick up. Apparently she has followed this tactic on several previous mothers days.

I should add this is a woman who threw them both out as teenagers and has hardly done a thing for them since. Mother of the year she ain't!

It's not as if she spent the day alone. She tagged herself on Facebook later the day scoffing afternoon tea with her husband and her ten year old DS.

She doesn't know about our fertility struggles, but this morning I am desperate to text her and put her bloody straight. To treat us like that on a day when we were feeling raw already has.made me beyond furious.

We are getting married in June and sent invites out last week. She is the only guest to not have messaged us to say she got invites, how nice they are etc.

I hate her already and she's not even my MIL yet. How do I deal with this? I really want DP to go NC, but he's too scared of her.

KoolKoala07 Mon 27-Mar-17 08:42:29

Sorry to hear of your recent struggles flowers
Personally I wouldn't do anything. Sounds like she is attention seeking and by responding/contacting her you will be giving her what she wants.
I know it's hard, (my mil isn't the worst but she can be difficult) but try not to bad mouth her continuously to dp because at the end of the day she is still his mother. Be the bigger person.

ShatnersWig Mon 27-Mar-17 08:45:52

I'd be concerned about your DP having your back in the marriage if she continues that sort of behaviour, to be honest. As a man, there is no way I would put up with that sort of shit once it became an obvious repeated pattern (let alone being kicked out of home). Doesn't matter if she's his mother; anyone who treats you like shit should be cut out of your life, it's too short. We wouldn't take that crap from a friend and friends are the family we choose to have.

gottachangethename1 Mon 27-Mar-17 08:47:39

Leave well alone. Whatever you may think of her, you should not put your dp in a position where he is forced to go NYC with his mother because of your views. I don't like my mil either, but as long as she isn't a bitch directly towards me, I keep out. Being there for your dp and focusing on the two of you is the best way forward.

gottachangethename1 Mon 27-Mar-17 08:48:08


IgnatiusReilly Mon 27-Mar-17 08:48:37

I'm terribly sorry for your pain. You must feel devastated. Can you access some counselling to support you through this?

I don't think it's your call for your DP to go NC with his mother, I really don't. It is very much the nuclear option and actually, not remotely easy. Going NC with parents is a very painful process.

You don't have to like your MIL - and she sounds like very hard work indeed - but you need to manage this by having very limited contact with her (your DP can see her alone) and by having zero expectations of her. Let your DP negotiate his relationship with his mum. You can support him in this, but you really can't tell him what to do.

Take care of yourself.

SallyInSweden Mon 27-Mar-17 08:48:43

Observe, but don't get sucked into her drama.

What does you DP want to do?

Isthismummy Mon 27-Mar-17 08:48:50

Thank you KoolKoala DP hadn't messaged her back because he basically said the same thing as you have.

I just can't get my head around a grown woman acting that way. It's so shockingly undignified.

I'm afraid I didn't bite my tongue very well yesterday . I might have to try harder on that score.

JammyGeorge Mon 27-Mar-17 08:51:24

I've had this kind of carry on. We cut contact a couple of times but they always came crawling back.

If your DP doesn't want to cut her out my advice would be Ignore ignore ignore - don't feed the monster. Any messages you send or rows are ammo for her to continue being the hard done to one.

Good luck.

DuggeeHugs Mon 27-Mar-17 08:53:10

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time flowers

My first thought was that if you text her and let her know she sounds like the type of person who will make unkind comments and worsen your pain. I hope I'm wrong about her and don't wish to malign a stranger. Right now you and DP need each other without the drama she seems likely to bring to the situation.

Hopefully there are other family/friends available in RL to support you both

SoulAccount Mon 27-Mar-17 08:53:24

Very sorry you had such upsetting news.

Concentrate on looking after each other. Look to your marriage, love and partnership, make her an irrelevance.

She didn't know your news, she would not have been of help, she is not the person who can help you through it. You and DP can help each other, though.

Make her a cause of strength between you two, not a cause of strife.

Isthismummy Mon 27-Mar-17 08:54:37

DP doesnt want to go NC, but he doesn't want to have to have put expectations put on him by her iyswim? She's bullied him his whole life tbh. He's actually come a long way with regards to how he reacts to her. He just lets her get on with it now.

I accept it's not my place to make him go NC. It just makes me so furious when she treats him like that. She's so self pitying despite having. cushy life and a husband who dances attendance on her. Classic narc really.

DuggeeHugs Mon 27-Mar-17 08:55:58

Sorry, I should clarify, I don't mean go NC altogether but rather keep this information out of her domain

Isthismummy Mon 27-Mar-17 09:05:27

No you're probably spot on DuggeeHugs She would be of no support at all. We'll have to tell her at some point though. She's already made comments about wanting grand children. I don't want her saying anything at the wedding. It will be so awkward for my friends and family, who all know about our struggles.

My friends are very supportive. My DM tries, but isn't good with emotion. We're thinking about going to egg donation and I don't think she approves, so that's another stress.

SoulAccount That was beautifully put. Thank you for your kindness.

robinofsherwood Mon 27-Mar-17 09:09:27

I did this, with SIL when we were going through similar. She used to ring MIL and abuse her if we didnt get in touch enough, buy the right card etc etc. I wrote (didnt do much texting in those days) her a letter explaining what we were going through and why that meant we weren't always in touch. She never acknowledged the letter & I felt Id made myself vulnerable.

After that we just decided to ignore bad behaviour. Sadly, that meant when she decided to punish by going silent for a bit (so we'd make huge apology efforts) we let her. 10 years later we're still NC. But thats her choice.

WinnieFosterTether Mon 27-Mar-17 09:17:21

You're having a tough time and I understand why you're upset with life. But, really in the grand scale of everything else you have happening, your MIL shouldn't even register. She has acted according to type.
I think you may be channelling your anger and upset at life on to your MIL. She isn't going to change and your DH needs to manage that relationship.
But both of you need to find support to manage all the tumultuous feelings you're trying to cope with in light of your peri-menopausal diagnosis and ivf cancellation.

CoolCarrie Mon 27-Mar-17 09:23:10

Sorry to hear about your news, it is soo bloody unfair
Take the high ground with this silly woman, she is clearly an ignorant attention seeker. Don't give her head space, she isn't worth it.
Practice not responding at all to her, on line or in person, you have the measure of her without a doubt!

PrettyGoodLife Mon 27-Mar-17 09:24:37

flowers just what you don't need! I think the best way is to try and focus on yourself and DP and do your best to avoid getting drawn into the MIL web. Easier said than done, I know.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe Mon 27-Mar-17 09:27:53

You say she doesn't know about your fertility issues. Maybe she was expecting a card of something more than a phone call.

She was out of order to be rude, though.

CoolCarrie Mon 27-Mar-17 09:29:23

Go for the egg donation and it isn't anyone else's business, you don't need to tell anyone anything. Good luck with it

OnTheRise Mon 27-Mar-17 09:41:25

I am so sorry about the bad news you've had.

You don't have to tell your MIL about your fertility problems. If she asks you when you'll be having children, tell her it's up to you, and is none of her business. Or tell her you won't be. But you don't have to add an explanation to that, and in your place I probably wouldn't: she will use the information to hurt you.

Isthismummy Mon 27-Mar-17 09:41:40

You are all right of course. A dignified restrained silence is the way forward. DP says he isn't going to contact her again and she can just get on with it. If we're very lucky it will last until June and we won't have to fork out for her and her DH to attend our weddinggrin

WinnieFosterTether I am definitely channeling my anger in the wrong direction. It just enrages me that a woman with three beautiful sons still goes around feeling sorry for herself on Mother's Day. She has no idea how lucky she isangry

Chardonnay He did send her a card. We posted it the same day as the wedding invite. Neither of them have been acknowledged.

CoolCarrie You're right, it is nobody else's business. I suppose I just want my own family to approve and support us because it's a very tough road we're having to choose. So many conflicting emotions.

Universitychallenging Mon 27-Mar-17 09:43:30

I'm sorry for all your struggles xxx

But she isn't the person to open your heart to. She will only use it against you at some point.

Isthismummy Mon 27-Mar-17 09:47:14

Sadly I think people are right about her using it against us. DP is a lot younger than me and I wouldn't put it past her to tell him to find someone else. God knows I've suggested it to him myself enough in the last couple of weekssad Although he had fertility problems too, so we are really up against it.

I'll speak to him tonight and suggest that we just don't mention anything to her.

Name7 Mon 27-Mar-17 09:53:43

You also don't need to let her know by the wedding. Who cares if she talks about wanting grandchildren to your friends and family. It's her they'll judge, not you. Take care of yourself

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: