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New baby fears(16 Posts)
DH has asked if I'd like to consider another baby, DC 1 is now 3.5. His timing is quite good as I've been feeling broody for a while and thinking about giving DC a sibling. I also have endometriosis so know that fertility is not on my side and would definitely like another child.
However, I've been putting it off.
I hated pregnancy. Felt sick everyday all the way through, I had constant water infections and had thrush for a whole 9 months and no sex. I felt exhausted every single day and felt I was climbing a mountain just doing day to day tasks. I never glowed. DH seemed to bury his head in the sand throughout, seemed emotionally unavailable and lacked empathy really.
Following the birth, I had PND and again, DH was a poor support. He didn't mean to be, he just didn't know what to do. He didn't take control or make sure things were done when I wasn't fuctioning properly and he carried on with his hobbies regardless making me feel very resentful towards him.
Fast forward to now: thing are much better but it has taken time. We talk more and he is better tuned into family life, he's a great Dad and fantastic when things are good. But I worry what will happen when things are bad. If I have a terrible pregnancy again, will he check out like before? We now have a child together, so I will need him to do extra jobs if I'm feeling too queasy or tired to do them. Will he have the initiative? What if I have PND again? How will this affect DC1? Will he be there for me this time?
all these questions are really bothering me and DH just says, we just have to "hope" things are OK this time.
And what if they're not?
Should I take the risk and have another baby? Or are my concerns deep enough to not have another child? If DH cannot give me the emotional support I need and offer practical support too, does this mean I'm likely to suffer PND again? Or is there a way around this?
What reasons does your DH give for his behaviour when you write pregnant & had a new born?
adagio I too have a 3.5 year old and am in a very similar position. I really want another but my DH just didn't offer me the support I needed last time. I had hyperemesis and PND and he continued with his very time consuming hobbies and to be honest I felt like an inconvenience in his otherwise perfect life. I really want another child but not sure if I should just accept that I'm not married to the kind of man who is equipped to deal with all that comes with pregnancy☹️
If your DH rad your soap, what would his reaction be? He you told him how you feel?
* if your DH had read your OP, what would his reaction be? Have you told him how you feel?
Sorry to hear you experienced difficulties too Vrid.
I have told him exactly how I'm feeling, but as I said, he just says we have to "hope" things are different this time. I've suggested relationship counselling before getting pregnant to help iron out any fears/difficulties and to get him talking, but he is very reluctant. He just doesn't do "bad" things, he completely checks out of life and buries his head in the sand when life isn't going smoothly. He reacted similarly when I lost my DF. I know that relying on him for support should I need it will probably result in disappointment.
Is this a reason not to have another baby? Or do I look for support elsewhere? I often wonder if I expect too much of him? I perhaps haven't been clear enough in what I need of him in the past, but it's so difficult when you're in the throes of depression and have no idea what you need yourself at the time.
Tell him that hoping things will be different this time is fine but you'd only be happy to go ahead if you can both discuss a plan of action for if it isn't because you can't go through that again.
You've got you list of what was an issue last time, you can think in advance about what needs to be different on his part. If he's showing any sugbs of avoidance or minimizing then I'd not do it because you're the one making all the sacrifices and being affected. Only you can make that choice though
I'm guessing he will probably avoid until my desire for a child becomes more so and trumps my desire for his support. Anything for an easier life...!
After reading your pregnancy woes I'm not sure I would want another
It sounds like if things aren't different this time, you'll be on your own again trying to cope with everything.
In this situation I would not have another child.
Can you make a list of all the issues and some practical suggestions/helpful ideas. See if he'll commit to a plan. Ie sharing of childcare- More than his fair share if needed. Plan to hire a cleaner etc
I had a difficult first pregnancy too and was very worried about doing it again but the experience does help, you will probably find yourself better able to cope because you have been there before and know what to do to get through it - you are in a good position to tell your DH exactly what practical support he will have to offer. You could focus on practical things if he doesn't do the emotional side so explain to your DH what would be expected of him throughout a rough pregnancy and then with a newborn and possibly PND - he would have to mostly drop his hobby to do the housework and look after your first if you can't etc and look after you. When I was pregnant with 2nd my DH did all the bedtime stuff, cleaning, took time off to look after me and our son, got up early to take our son to the park before work - it was very hard on all of us, but I am glad we did it. What would he say if you said you need him to show affection whilst dealing with nausea etc?
Wow April. Your DH sounds hugely supportive with DC2. I'm not sure my DH would do all of this, or he would and begrudge/resent me for it and sulk leaving me wondering what I've done wrong and feeling massively guilty.
He would never agree to a cleaner as finances would be tight if we were to have another child.
I wonder if I just need to be stronger and less needy of him, some men just bury their heads in the sand and there's not much we can do about it? I don't know. Seems naive really.
You know I can relate to what you're saying, but for different reasons. I didn't suffer from PND or any medical condition, but generally didn't feel my DH was hands on enough during the baby stage.
My desire not to have just one child, was more important to me and I decided I wouldn't have more than 2 with the amount of help from him. .. along with the feeling of being broke while on maternity leave.
He wanted more DC, but I made it more than clearthat wasn't happening.
Thanks Sandy. Interesting to see that you went ahead and had a second child anyway. Was it any easier the 2nd time regardless of your DHs lack of support, having experienced it the first time?
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