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Have you ever been the OW?

(101 Posts)
Lily15 Sun 26-Mar-17 21:10:01

I am not asking to start off a debate about right and wrong, or to start a war. As a betrayed wife I am genuinely interested to know if anyone is willing to shed some light on what goes on in the OW head and how it worked out for you in your situation? Especially insterested to hear from those OW that were young and unmarried at the time (like my H's AP)

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 26-Mar-17 21:12:45

Yes. Was young (very- 16) and desperately in love with him (older- 30s). I'm sorry to say that I didn't really think much about his wife. He spun me the old line that they were deeply unhappy and that I was the answer to his prayers and I believed it.

Now I'm the age he was and married myself I can't believe I fell for it all- but I really believed him. I'm not married to him!!

nonameinspiration Sun 26-Mar-17 21:14:40

Ugh yes. I was 20's. I deeply regret the whole experience and rarely talk about it now. The wife left him eventually for someone else. I wish her happiness.

Gallavich Sun 26-Mar-17 21:16:32

Only as a one off. Happened twice. First time I was very young (21 ish) and his girlfriend was living in America. She didn't feel like a real person and he pursued me.
Second one was an ex I was still in love with. He dumped me and got together with her very quickly, I never got over him and when opportunity presented itself I took it.
Now I'm a grown adult I wouldn't think of it. I was very immature and selfish.

ThankmeLater Sun 26-Mar-17 21:20:12

Yes and not proud of it. Was 24, he was in his 40s. As others have said, spun me a load of shit that I fell for hook line and sinker! Didn't know about wife until I was already very into him.
Men are jerks!

Scrumptiousbears Sun 26-Mar-17 21:25:21

I have been. For 5 years in my 30s. I don't believe I was led astray by the guy. I do believe he had a shit family life but was afraid to leave because of finances and the kids.

Ask away.

uncoolnn Sun 26-Mar-17 21:27:13

Yes. Not something I'm proud of - I was 21 and he was 38. Definitely one of my biggest regrets. sad

Lily15 Sun 26-Mar-17 21:28:55

Thank you so much for your brutal honestly. My H dropped OW on Dday and went NC straight away. When I'm having awful days (most days) I think of how shit she must have felt ( yes it makes me feel better) to be dropped like he never knew her.They worked together and it was a very inappropriate friendship/EA for months before it turned PA. He says he never spoke badly of me to her, but he never spoke of me at all (just as damaging?) I've asked him if she was in love with him- he says no. But at that age I can't imagine that she wasn't. He wouldn't have cared if she was or the fallout- she boosted his ego and came onto him those two times (I discovered it the second time and no doubt it would have continued) and he threw our marriage away for a two quick fucks and broke my heart and our family unit.

Mummyneedssleepguys Sun 26-Mar-17 21:28:55

I was 18 and he was 30 blush

I didn't give her a great deal of thought, he implied they were unhappy but we didn't really discuss her. We 'lasted' a few months when I realised was a tit I was being and blocked his number and decided never to speak to him again.

I still hate myself for it and they're still together.. as far as I know she's oblivious.

Kikikaakaa Sun 26-Mar-17 21:29:59

Yes as younger. It wasn't an affair as such (sex only nothing emotional from him) but he was a significant ex and led me to believe they were unhappy and over time his button pushing worked we slept together twice. A few times before he met her i had slept with him before I realised he was still with his (previous) girlfriend and she found out and was very angry with me. I honestly didn't know about her.

I was very stupid to think it meant anything because he married this one and had kids despite claiming he didn't really want to. I met him initially when I was very young and every time he's ever come back into my life I have been a total stupid dickhead and fallen for him over and over. He cheated on ME plenty of times.

I don't know what I thought about her - I assume she cannot be that mad to ignore the fact he's got a notorious reputation as a womaniser and a cheat but I know her vaguely via other people and she is convinced she has changed him.

uncoolnn Sun 26-Mar-17 21:33:55

I guess mine wasn't so much a full blown affair; we slept together three times, there wasn't an emotional connection from his side, just from mine. In terms of thinking about his partner (he wasn't married but in a v long term relationship), honestly I didn't. He didn't mention her, although I knew about her.

This was about 2 years ago and he is still with his partner. She is (as far as I know) oblivious. I wonder how many other people he's cheated on her with. I still see him in a work setting but we don't speak. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

Unsurprisingnamechange Sun 26-Mar-17 21:35:55

Yes - and I feel sick thinking about it.

It was a year long affair with a colleague. I was young (23), desperate, and seduced by his humour and the stupid 'my partner doesn't understand me'. I can't give many details as they're 'outing' but it was ridiculous. We broke up and got back together several times before the final breakup.

It wasn't intentional, we grew close through work and started texting and it led to a full blown affair.

I didn't want to think about the effects on his long term partner, but I felt very guilty. I didn't think 'she's stupid' or 'fuck her' - I just thought more about my need for affection. I was emotionally vulnerable and he was older and quite forceful.

Looking back he manipulated me emotionally but I was a willing participant.

We broke up when his Partner found some texts. He broke up with me instantly and they managed to get their life back on track which I'm happy about. We had no contact afterwards.

I promised I'd never do that again and I never have.

I actually heard via a mutual acquaintance a few years ago he had been asking after me. They had said 'she's put you behind her' or similar and he intimated that he could get me back anytime.

I look back and realise that whilst I'm not in anyway blameless, he was the instigator and got his rocks off with me whilst bored at home.

Unsurprisingnamechange Sun 26-Mar-17 21:37:51

so so sorry you are going through this. I feel deeply ashamed I caused someone hurt like that. I hope you can heal over time.

MamaLazarou Sun 26-Mar-17 21:38:49

I was 23 and he was a colleague, a couple of years older. He started at our company on the Monday after returning from honeymoon and he started pursuing me straight away. They had a six month old baby and he also had two more children from a previous relationship.

Since I was a teenager, I had often gone for guys who already had girlfriends. Looking back, I now think that I was competitive due to my low self esteem and enjoyed the idea of winning the man's affection and stealing him away from his relationship. I think I was also over sexualised from a very young age due to abuse. I'm not making excuses for my unforgivable behaviour, just trying to understand it.

When I met this chap I didn't even fancy him but I was in a long term relationship with a lovely man who took good care of me but there was no passion. I thought that was just what relationships were like after the first year or so and didn't realise what a properly happy relationship could be like.

Anyway, we would sneak off together for sex after work, before my partner got home. He would then pretend to his wife that he had been at the gym.

I begged him to leave her but he refused to mess up the child's life (as he percieved he had messed up his older kids' by splitting from their mum). So I found a new job and we never saw each other again.

It makes me sick to think about what I did to that woman. I have grown up a lot since then (20 or so yrs ago) and would never, ever do that to another woman now.

I enjoyed the illicit thrill of our clandestine meetings, loved that he was putting so much at risk to be with me, felt sexy and wanted and powerful.

I'm embarrassed to say that I looked him up on Facebook recently, out of curiosity, and, unbelievably, they are still married. I wonder how many others there have been.

Hope that sorry little tale has been of some use to you.

Whathappensnowthen Sun 26-Mar-17 21:51:04

I am, or I suppose was, the OW. I work with the guy, was leaving my husband anyway (various issues that predate my OM). He didn't bad-mouth his wife, but what he did say made it sound like she didn't love him (she moaned about meals out, returned gifts he bought her etc) so i thought they were in the process of separating. We spoke a lot at work and online after work. It was only much further down the line that he told me how much he loved his wife and child and that he would never do anything to hurt them. But by then i had really fallen for him. He then asked me to go away with him for a weekend. I really didn't think he and his wife could have any sort of relationship as i couldn't comprehend how he could go away with me if he really loved her. Anyway, the whole sorry saga has dragged on for months. I have left my husband (as i say, i would have done this anyway) but my OM really doesn't seem to have any emotions at all - he's cooled things with me and as far as i know his wife doesn't know anything, but in that time i developed feelings for him which i really wish i hadn't as he's so cold towards me now. Got my comeuppance i suppose.

HappenedForAReisling Sun 26-Mar-17 21:55:24

SAme as fellout

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 26-Mar-17 22:05:14

I read something somewhere about how the wife thinks the OW has it made and are better off and that the OW thinks the wife has it made and is better off. In truth in these situations the only person who doesn't truly suffer is the man because they're calling the shots.

ninenicknames Sun 26-Mar-17 22:06:02

Yes - much older man.

Came to a heart wrenching end.

uhohspaghettiohs Sun 26-Mar-17 22:06:57

KiKikaakaa I could have written your post and have had almost the exact same experience.

I have had on and off 'fling' with this guy for literally 20 years, since we were 13 years old. One or both of us has had a partner throughout our 'relationship'. I never cared growing up, as we were both literally 13, 14, 16 when we were seeing each other (and by seeing I mean occasional kissing and teenage fumbling) so I don't think you can really class that as being the OW!? We have had a few drunken fumbles as adults but never actually slept together.

Now we are in our 30s...I'm married and he has a DF and a daughter yet he occasionally attempts to 'sext' me, and has told me he has fucked 4 women since hooking up with his DF a few years ago, as recently as last December when his daughter would have been 2 months old. He is such a well-known and prolific cheat, it is unreal that she can possibly believe he is faithful to her. He tells me very personal details about his DF that make me cringe, mostly how she doesn't engage sexually with him much, therefore he feels he has no choice but to cheat hmm classic cheat script...

So...I'm not exactly the OW and never truly have been...I am more his friend and confidante who he occasionally attempts to engage with sexually confused ...being honest, I don't hugely discourage him, or tell him he is being a cock...but equally I don't engage in what he is asking of me (explicit sexual pictures and talk). I have options; I could stop talking to him, I could engage if I wanted to...I could tell his DF I just don't know that it's my place for several reasons.

Because our 'relationship' spans so far back I make excuses for the contact we do have and think it's ok as we have known each other for so long. I know that this makes me an idiot but there it is.

helhathnofury Sun 26-Mar-17 22:10:01

I was 18, him 25. We worked together and it was well known his marriage was rocky so he wasn't spinning me a line. It was more emotional as never got past kissing but it was certainly heading towards sex. I then became uncomfortable with it, I did wonder about her, so ended it - few weeks later he left her and called me up but I didn't go back. Turns out she was cheating too though. Big enough company to avoid each other and eventually both moved jobs. Am back in contact with him again, and both wonder what might have been if the situation had been right from the start.

ComtesseDeSpair Sun 26-Mar-17 22:10:33

Yes - though I didn't know and ended it as soon as I found out. Not, though, I have to be honest, out of any innate sense of "sisterhood" towards his wife, but mainly because I'm worth far more than being a bit on the side and begging for crumbs of attention.

I say I didn't feel any sense of sisterhood, because I didn't know her. Maybe all the things he said about her when I found out were true, maybe they weren't. But I can see why many OW can carry on an affair with a married man with no regard for the wife, because it can be difficult to get a sense of personhood about somebody who's just a name and a Facebook photo.

luckycatclover Sun 26-Mar-17 22:16:37

yes, when I was 19, he was 30, and my boss. we didn't work directly together 24/7 but he had a high position in a job I had. I worked full time over summer and we joked together a lot, flirted, though I never expected anything to happen. he walked me home a few times and it sort of developed from there.
at the time I felt rather lost/depressed - I had just dropped out of uni because I hated it when I was expecting to love it, I developed depression/social anxiety after a few months there, and one of my parents was diagnosed with cancer. they're not excuses but I just remember him comforting me about it. I guess above all I wanted the attention, affection, closeness. I remember I felt really lonely at the time, I lived alone still in my uni town. after we slept together I quit my job really soon after as I felt horrendously guilty. it transpired he'd been having another affair with another young woman working there too - simultaneously with me, I think, though theirs was more intense/frequent, and he's actually with her now still.

so so sorry this has happened to you. I was so young and stupid and I regret all of it now.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sun 26-Mar-17 22:17:55

Yes, when I was 18 (he was 25). He had a long term GF. I was completely and utterly in love with me and I may as well have been a blow up doll as he didn't love me at all.

I'm ashamed to say I felt nothing but jealousy and hatred towards his GF. She got to parade about with him and let everyone know about their relationship and I truly believed it was only time before he could be mine. I was an idiot and eventually came to my senses.

I don't think she ever found out but I considered telling her because he was an arse but I didn't. She didn't need that pain and they broke up not long after anyway.

Pottedplants Sun 26-Mar-17 22:18:28

I think I was.....I had a very on/off relationship over ten years with someone older than me. He wasn't married and blew hot and cold constantly. After yet another drama, I went to his house to see him which wasn't something I'd usually have done. He wasn't at home but I peered in the windows and saw the empty plates from a dinner for two, wine glasses etc. It only dawned on me then that I was the 'OW'. A couple of years later, he told me he was now a father and the baby's mum had moved in but he wasn't 'in love' with her, had never loved her etc. I never responded but to this day I wonder was she the same woman from the time I had called to his house. I feel sorry for the mother of his child (who is now much older) as he continued to text and email me until a year or two ago.

CobraCat Sun 26-Mar-17 22:20:12

I have some experience of this danger zone
I have had a distant mutual attraction with someone for years. He hasn't said outright he is unhappy with his wife but just makes out like it is boring. Got no intention of leaving her or the kids.

Firstly I want to confirm nothing has ever happened between us and never will but he has been heavily pursuing me more than ever in the last 6 months I have turned him down and tried to avoid him it's become more of a challenge. He absolutely loves the chase and his ego is the size of a house trying to win me. It starts to become like a weird game I'm sure it's massively thrilling for him but I'm now old and wise enough to just be a bit fascinated by his stupid behaviour at the same time 100% confident he would drop me like a hot potato with no regard for me (and blame me for it all) if he was caught out but happily get away with it. I am pretty sure I am not the first woman he has tried this with and he's really good looking so he's probably had his fair share of shagging about.

I feel sorry for his wife. I am sure she has no idea. I think a younger, competitive or naive woman would fall for this kind of thing harder to see the bigger picture and more likely to get sucked in by the charm offensive and start an affair with a sexy older fun guy who wants a thrill

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