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Adult daughters and Unfaithful Fathers

(23 Posts)
BubblingUp Sun 26-Mar-17 18:11:58

How do other Adult Daughters deal with their Cheating Fathers? Do you just shrug your shoulders and say it's none of your business and all of the involved children should just get over it?

namechange20050 Sun 26-Mar-17 18:15:13

Yes that's what I did. I didn't get involved and though I supported my mum I didn't take sides. I was only only about 21 at the time though. I think my response would have been to say my piece a bit more now I'm older. What's happened op?

flossisboss Sun 26-Mar-17 18:27:06

I'm afraid I was forced to become somewhat involved when the OW phoned me. The reasons why are too bizarre to go into. I tried to be reasonable but I'm afraid when she called a second time my language was so foul it would have made Satan blush. I made my feelings very clear to her and my dad. After that I stepped back. It was fucking horrible.

DuaneDibbley Sun 26-Mar-17 18:28:22

I have left it alone. She might know, for all I know, and who am I to interfere?

BubblingUp Sun 26-Mar-17 18:30:55

My dad cheated when I was age 16 to about 21. I was not able to stay out of it since my dad both blamed me for his cheating (among other reasons) and confided in me with what he was up to. They divorced when I was 22.

This was 25+ years ago. I'm in my 50s now. Haven't talked to my dad in almost 20 years.

BubblingUp Sun 26-Mar-17 18:33:52

Floss, one of my dad's OW called me once too. I was 17. She was a famous singer, but not my dad's primary mistress. My mother was screaming at me to hang up the phone. That was a crazy scene.

AutumnEve Sun 26-Mar-17 18:37:32

I caught my dad cheating on my stepmother when I was 17 (I'm now 36). I didn't grow up with him around so I felt it wasn't much of my business so I kept quiet for about 10 years, until he asked why I was acting really weirdly one time. I just couldn't keep it a secret anymore so I told him. He completely denied it and said we should talk about "this" again soon, how important it is that we do that, etc.

We haven't spoken since. His loss.

Imbroglio Sun 26-Mar-17 18:38:02

Parents shouldn't get their children involved because it's likely to be too upsetting. At some point the parents will (probably) come to some kind of resolution, either to split or to make another go of it. Children don't have any choice about what happens next, so they go through all the feelings of anger and uncertainty without the resolution. Adult children may also feel they have been recruited as confidantes and are then left feeling guilty.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour Sun 26-Mar-17 18:43:31

My dad cheated and my parents divorced when I was about 22. My mum was devastated (even though in the later years, their marriage wasn't happy). My mum has never been the same since although has thrown herself into a single social life with a close circle of friends and ladies who lunch etc.

My dad has since married the OW and moved to the other side of the world with her. I have made my peace with it although none of us siblings attended the wedding (on the other side of the world). I was always very much a daddy's girl growing up and it hit me really hard and I had a very frank and open conversation with him the first time I saw him after the news broke. I told him I was disappointed in him and my view of him had changed forever and they I didn't know if I could move past it or forgive him. I know it was hard for him to hear.

They have now been married thirteen years and we see them as a couple about once a year when they visit this country. I know my mum finds it very hard that us siblings have a relationship with him/her at all, particularly our children. But he is around infrequently enough that we can handle it.

I would count my parents divorce as one of the catastrophic events of all our lives that has had far reaching consequences for so many relationships and lives.

BubblingUp Sun 26-Mar-17 19:17:42

My dad married the primary OW too, but not immediately. He married another women for awhile, lived with another woman for a couple of years, had numerous girlfriends throughout, re-dated Mother briefly and then married The Original OW as wife #3. This woman died a couple of weeks ago and my dad has already reached out to my mother to rekindle a relationship.

This is why this is resurfacing now. All my anger and rage is back. My mother has been waiting for him to return for a couple of decades. He will return, use mother for awhile and then will dump her again because she's still the negative hateful woman he cheated on and divorced. He doesn't like to be alone though and he's 80, so Mother is the quickest stop gap until he finds someone better. I just can't do this again.

NaiceBiscuits Sun 26-Mar-17 19:24:41

OP - You seem to have a lot more anger towards your mum than your dad. Do you blame her for it all?

flossisboss Sun 26-Mar-17 19:34:03

flowers OP that sounds like a terrible situation to have to keep going through. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you feel frustrated and angry with your mother. It's hard to have to stand by and watch someone you love make awful decisions.

redshoeblueshoe Sun 26-Mar-17 19:40:16

OP that sounds awful. Why on earth did he blame you ?

TheElephantofSurprise Sun 26-Mar-17 19:43:00

He's 80. Let them do what the fuck they like. This moment, now. No tomorrow.

BubblingUp Sun 26-Mar-17 19:50:15

Yes! I am angry with my mother. Initially the anger was only with my dad, but then when mother kept begging for him back (why????) - years of begging for him to return, excusing his behavior as a mid-life crises - I was angry at her for that. At some point it seems, she moved from being a victim to being a volunteer.

When they are together, I become their enemy. When he dumps her again, they both want me on their side.

And my anger towards mother is related to things just between us too, having nothing to do with Dad. When I was about 22, my Dad warned me to stay away from Mother. I didn't understand why at the time, but now I do. It took me awhile to figure out how toxic she is. I don't blame Dad for leaving the marriage, but the years of lies, blaming and cheating were unnecessary. Just leave. Why drag it out?

BubblingUp Sun 26-Mar-17 19:54:01

He blamed all of the children because we were spoiled entitled brats. He blamed mother and the children because we were ungrateful for all he had provided financially. He had a lot of reasons to blame Mother which I won't get into, although one reason was because she was an ungrateful SAHM.

Mother blamed me because Dad liked me more than her.

HelenaGWells Sun 26-Mar-17 20:04:36

I wasn't involved or aware. I knew my dad had moved in with another family but I didn't know it was an OW situation until I was much older. My mum said he had gone to live with a friend. I don't recall them being affectionate in front of me until I was older so I assumed they had fallen in love over time. They married a few years after he originally left. I was still not quite in my teens at this point.

My mum told me the real story when I was early teens and I asked. She said the affair really hurt her but she knew the relationship wasn't working. It also Turned out she was an OW as well (but didn't know until after he had left his ex wife for her) She never harboured any bitterness towards my stepmom or my dad and never slagged them off. (Even when my dad was an ass.) I grew up following her example.

My dad has now been married 25 years so he got third time lucky. I don't think he would have survived if he had cheated on my step mum. She's incredibly feisty and exactly what he needs. She won't take his crap. My mum was very quiet and just took his nonsense. My step mum won't stand for it and him being with her has changed him for the better. He is a lot calmer and more chilled these days and he definitely behaves better.

When I was older we had a few frank discussions about his past behaviour but we've come through it and he's an amazing grandad to my kids. I owe my good relationship with him to my step mum tbh.

redshoeblueshoe Sun 26-Mar-17 20:11:49

I'm not surprised you're angry.

HelenaGWells Sun 26-Mar-17 20:12:49

In your situation I totally understand the anger

summerholsdreamin Sun 26-Mar-17 20:23:30

Was 16 when DF was caught out having affair with a close family friend.
After a year of dicking backwards and forwards between DM and OW he finally left. Awful traumatic experience for both DB and me - we were way too involved and sadly I had nothing more to do with DF right up to his death.

Never forgave him (oh the righteous rage of a teenager) and to this day wish things could have been different
sad

flossisboss Sun 26-Mar-17 22:22:12

OP your update is really sad to read. They both sound so dysfunctional. I can relate to the ungrateful brats and 'housewife' accusations. We had those too when things were at their worst. The fact that they both turn on you when they're together is just appalling. I'm afraid I don't have anything useful to advise, other than reducing contact etc. You cannot help them, but you must look after yourself.

flossisboss Sun 26-Mar-17 22:24:20

flowers summer

redshoeblueshoe Sun 26-Mar-17 22:29:25

flossi has summed it up much better than me flowers

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