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'Entitlement ' post discovery of EA/limerence

(6 Posts)
Esoteric Sun 26-Mar-17 17:56:35

Have posted before about discovery 3 months ago of very longing poems/song lyrics and recorded songs written 11 years ago for someone else, I am told it was one sided and she knew nothing and FB messages as PMs I have seen in last few years show no indication of anything odd from her side , all just friends stuff , she has since married and baby due any day and until I confronted 3 months ago he used to comment on a lot of her posts but of course I wasn't aware how he felt all those years ago , I was incredibly upset, got the sorry it was stupid and all just in my head stuff (if only it had stayed there) what I am finding hard is the entitlement he seems to have that I will just go ahead with plans we had to move to Europe (logical business reasons for this) mini breaks, physical relationship etc, I can't say it's 100% rugsweeping as it was discussed how I felt etc but certainly seems to be a business as usual feeling from his side, to the point I feel I either have to go along with everything in good grace and move forward or say 'sod off' there doesn't seem to be room for a taking things steadily angle, AIBU to expect to take things a bit slower or is it unfair of me to not feel 100% but stay and see how I feel with a bit of time . He is aware I was pretty devastated but for a very bright and quite introspective guy seems to have quite a thick skin , has surprised me a lot I must admit

ZombieApocalips Sun 26-Mar-17 18:08:35

3 months after I discovered xh's affair I was far from 100%. He left permanently after a couple of weeks which helped me work out what I wanted with regards to our relationship but I had to speak to him because of the kids which was like a knife being twisted each time.

Have you decided to forgive him? It is much easier to work out what you want if he's not there. Living together meant that each time he came home, he was making my head less clear.

I think yanbu to want him to go at your pace and to have bad days. I would want a sorry partner to do anything to make me happy and fight for the relationship but it really depends what you've said to him. The best that he can expect is for you to forgive but not forget.

Esoteric Sun 26-Mar-17 18:20:28

I think it's taken as a given that I will forgive and forget, that's part of the problem because I have carried on as normal , apart from the very very occasional outburst from me.

WeeMcBeastie Sun 26-Mar-17 18:32:42

I wouldn't care how long ago it was, I think he should be very grateful that you're even considering forgiveness. It shows little regard for your feelings. He should be going out of his way to give you the time and space that you need. My ex told me after 6 weeks that I needed to 'get over it' I realised I couldn't after 3 years.

ZombieApocalips Mon 27-Mar-17 15:33:43

Some people think that it's only an affair if something physical happened. Does he understand the gravity of what he's done? I think cheaters often want to "pretend it never happened." I think that it takes a long time for that to happen, if it ever happens.

I think it's very prudent to not make big changes (like emigrating) while you are in limbo. After 3 months I was still getting the full range of emotions and was not in the headspace to make big decisions.

If you've changed your mind about forgiving him and that it's business as usual then that's perfectly fine. Have you had any counselling?

user1479305498 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:19:33

yes I have had counselling (IC) . My counsellor was lovely, very down to earth, been round the block herself, told me to make him less of a priority in life, start putting myself first and she thinks Im a very strong person who will be fine either way. I dont have anyone else at home to think about now either. Its my 21st wedding anniversary today ironically! Its not straightforward as we work together and he can run the business without me but I cant without him (its knowledge based and its his knowledge). Yes Im pretty sure he understands the gravity of what he did , he just thinks as its a long time ago, I should let it go. I definitely cant keep mentioning it, he gets defensive and agitated. Its not so easy though to get out your head when he speaks in these things about "not knowing which path to take" or "emotions of you are flowing through my soul" or " it will all be ok when we become one" etc. This person was 20/21 at the time!!! (he was 42) He is actually in real life a truthful and creative person and even though he had every opportunity for it to be physical , he may well be telling the truth on that. There was though a great deal of texting that went on at the time (I only saw an odd couple and it was before you could really spy and they were way too friendly for me to be comfortable with, although not sexual ) so I could be in LA la land and he's fed me a fantastical lie. . Its even worse that I can hear him singing them on CD!! (I have kept a couple he doesnt know about in case I need to feel pissed off at any point! but made him throw everything else away) -- He also was involved in over texting/whatsapping our current assistant last year, quite a "needy" single mum. She inititiates (shes the same with me but i ignore her a lot of the time). I had to put a stop to that--he didnt till I picked up on it. Ive seen the stuff and its innocent enough but he was deleting and doing it when I wasnt around . I think he knows im being a bit "detached" and keeps asking me if Im ok? What does he expect me to say really--NO, Im still exceptionally upset/pissed off? At the moment I am saving up and getting ducks in a row, Im giving it 6 months and if I still feel I cant get over that level of deception behind my back , I think I will say I am moving out and separating and we will take it from there. I dont hate him, I feel extraordinarily disappointed in someone I thought was way better/more loyal to me than this. We get along well , he just doesnt seem to have the same boundaries as I do and no he wont read Just Good Friends!!

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