Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Frightened of the future on my own(6 Posts)
This is going to be long..
Last summer I discovered my husband had been lying to me about where he was with work and who he was going with. Turns out he'd been going on trips with a woman that works for him.. he admitted fancying her abnd chasing her but nothing happened! Foolishly I believed him as this was totally out of character for him.. we've together 18 years, are married and have 2 kids..
Anyway a few weeks later I realised he'd been lying to me again and had actually travelled with this woman when he told me he hadn't. i asked to look through his phone and I found a deleted email which talked about a song called no one by aleesha keys.. he'd sent the email to her at 11.30 at night while I was asleep on the sofa and he put 'just googled the lyrics.. so very true'. He'd also put sweet dreams etc on there.. i of course lost my shit and went mad but we worked it out and went on a family holiday a couple of weeks later that we'd had booked for ages. All was ok for a while but he was still focused on his weight and image.
To cut a long story short I think things stopped initially with this woman but I believe before Xmas they picked up again. He still works with her. She still works for him. Over Xmas while drunk he went through my phone and deleted screen shots of the emails I had saved. When I found out he said he wanted things to go back to normal and for it all to go away.
Middle of Jan he appeared with a brand new pair of very expensive cufflinks.. I asked if they were new and he said he had found them! Wtf!! I knew this was a lie but he insisted it to be the truth, that he found them in a box in the study.
He is constantly on WhatsApp and pays little attention to me, isn't affectionate, has suddenly taken up golf which I believe to be an excuse to get out of the house on weekends either because he's sick of me or wants to see OW. He won't show me his phone and is totally protective of it.
Today I received the crappest card he bought last minute for the kids to give me and a half dead bunch of flowers. I feel so hurt by his lack of affection and love. I know I need to get rid but I feel so weak and frightened of the future, as a single parent, alone and struggling financially..
Can I have a kick up the bum please... I've been sat on my bed all day miserable and I need to find some inner strength and girl power!!!
I think you have to confront this. I know its bloody scary, but what will help is if you can summon up some anger and very justified indignation. How dare he treat you like this? And carry on all goey over another woman whilst in your own home.
You will never be able to trust him. You have to have it out and be prepared to tell him to get the hell out of your home.
After all who are you? Are you just some random woman he comes home and sleeps with? No, you are his wife! The mother of his children! You have supported him for 18 years! And after all that, he wants to text romantic messages to some random woman who has not done a tenth of all that?
He's taking the absolute piss. Get angry
I see that you haven't got many responses. Just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. How far do think things have progressed with the OW? Do you think its a full on affair? I think the first thing you have to do is try and get to the bottom of things. Also how old are dcs?
Then you need to start getting mentally prepared. The usual advice is to get all your papers together, financial records detailing all income, important documents etc and I think you ought to get a free initial consultation with a good laywer, (do this secretly) who can tell you what would happen if you choose to split. What you would be entitled to, etc. This may put any fears you might have to rest regarding your future finances and take away the uncertainty.
It is absolutely possible to be happy post-breakup. But yes, it is a stressful, and scary phase to go through. However I am 100% certain that you will find compensations. You will be able to see how much you have put up with and how much of yourself you have sacrificed over the years, and will be able to do and concentrate on the things you couldn't do, have, or be before.
It is scary to move forward, but you will eventually get to a better place, but if you stay stuck not doing anything, the anxiety you feel will never end. Plus you will just feel growing resentment. Your dh is transferring his affections to someone else and taking you for granted.
Best of luck
I'm sorry Charlie but this sounds like he's definitely at least wanting this woman. He's in a lust fog and nothing you can do will shake him out of it unfortunately.
You need to ask him for a separation based on what you've found already. You're better than this. I'm 4 months in from my H leaving us out of (what I thought anyway) the blue. Don't be me. Take action before yours decides to.
If you have a joint bank account, take half before you ask him to go. The shock of you asking him to leave may bring him to his senses. It may not.
He's not thinking of you at the moment. Only himself. Get yourself free for now. X
You'll get through it, despite the understandable fear. I know it's a trite thing to say, but you will. In a year's time you'll be on here, stronger, telling other women the same thing.
Change the locks whilst he's out. Rip up his clothes and put them in bin bags out on the front lawn. And start divorce proceedings. Once men start chasing 'skirt' they won't come back. You can never trust them again.
Join the discussion
Please login first.