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Feelings changing towards dc after separation

(12 Posts)
floatingawayfinally Sun 26-Mar-17 15:18:24

Please go easy on me.

I feel like my feelings towards my children are changing now that I am separating from their father and was wondering whether anyone else experienced the same.

I have always been a bit of an anxious, overprotective mum. Very pfbish about my kids. Always trying to micromanage other peoples interactions with them etc. They are 2 and 4 btw. At the beginning of this separation process I was racked with guilt about how my decision would impact my children. I worried about whether to move closer to my parents for more support or stay close to h. How my sensitive 4 year old ds would cope changing schools. How my ds would be emotionally impacted and whether their father would make an effort to see them etc.

However I'm now at the stage where I'm reconciling to the fact that this separation is primarily for my benefit and that whilst some women would stay in the marriage for the sake of their children and sacrifice their own dreams and values for their children I am not. It will have an impact on my children which in the short term will be negative. Moving schools, moving to an area which is not as nice as where we currently live, having less disposable income to spend on them, probably living in smaller accommodation which is not as nice, having to spend longer periods of time in childcare of some sort, exposing them to potential future partners or blended families etc.

I feel like to get through this and go through with the separation and eventual divorce I almost have to care less about my children. Does that make sense? I feel really bad for thinking like this but I almost feel like I'm already starting to do that now where I'm emotionally distancing myself abit and putting myself before them. My h is trying to fix things with me and even though it would mean less upheaval for my dcs if I would give it a chance I feel like I don't care. My ds is so sensitive and I know he will struggle with all the changes but I feel like I would rather deal with that then remain married to h. Did anyone go through this and did it go away eventually?

Nomoreworkathome Sun 26-Mar-17 15:27:31

Your feelings are understandable. I can relate. Ultimately it is in their best interest to have a happy home free of tension and animosity. This could cause more issues in the long run if you stay put. I get the feeling that your thought processes are spiralling somewhat which are on some levels is to be expected when contemplating a huge change in your family dynamic. That said, it is human nature to assume the worst case scenarios as you have described but this does not mean they will come to fruition. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a wonderful mum

howdiditgettothis Sun 26-Mar-17 15:34:14

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Having a mum with her head in the right place is much more important in my opinion that putting up with a family unit that is no longer working. Think of yourself as a role model for your kids. The message is sometimes things don't work out as you planned but you can change them and things do come good in the end even if the journey is a but bumpy. I always try to think to myself would I advise my daughter to do this or do that. Really I would always want her to be honest with herself and do what she needs to do to have a happy life. Kids are pretty resilient and I'm sure they will look back and admire the sacrifices you made in order that you could have a happy family

floatingawayfinally Sun 26-Mar-17 16:46:59

Thank you for your replies. Is this a common feeling when getting divorced/separating? I still want the best for them but I feel like I have had to change my vision slightly of what their lives would be like.

Bobits Sun 26-Mar-17 17:59:37

Hi, im sorry you are going through a divorce & no doubt are going through a plethora of emotions about how this change impacts you & your future even before considering how it will affect your two dcs flowers. I think what you are feeling is completely normal as your hopes & dreams are different to what you expected & it can really feel like a sense of loss for a while x

You sound like a very caring and conscientious person & I think that will certainly see you & your two dcs through the changes that may lie ahead. Even being aware of their sensitivities & how the changes will impact them helps enormously as you will be in a position to support them when & if they need it. At 4 & 2 it is probably hard to imagine that they will be grown adults one day & less dependent & think as parents we have to weigh up making choices that will mean we can live happy & fulfilling lives as we would wish for them when they are older.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 26-Mar-17 20:36:52

You're being very, very hard on yourself.

I don't think you care less about your children. When a couple decides to separate they're doing it for a reason. In some way or other the marriage or relationship isn't a happy one. Whether it's one or both parties that are unhappy.

A child growing up with unhappy parents will pick up on this and will realise that the relationship isn't good. As an adult, I now experience a lot of guilt at the fact that my parents stayed together for me and my sister. It was very hard to see my parents constantly bicker and argue, my dad breaking down and crying...the genuine unhappiness that pervaded our family was just awful.

I'm not saying that separating is easy on children either, but sometimes it's the best thing you can do for the health of your family.

Don't be too hard on yourself. flowers

AromatAddict Sun 26-Mar-17 20:41:55

I think you are being realistic only. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is part of your becoming tougher and making hard decisions for the long term good not selfishness surely?

LoveDeathPrizes Sun 26-Mar-17 20:46:13

You're not distancing yourself. You're prioritising. And I agree that on balance it's of primary importance that children have a happy mum.

Prioritising means you start justifying negative stuff for the greater good. You don't care less! It dies however sound like you were once heavily and perhaps over invested so I can see why it feels like such a seismic attitudinal shift.

floatingawayfinally Mon 27-Mar-17 18:50:20

Thanks ladies these replies are making me feel better. I can feel that the road ahead is going to be tough in the short term for me and the boys. My h is trying to be a Disney dad now that he sees the end looming. He is building a case but I don't know what his plans are. I suspect he wants to get the boys attached to him so that when I leave they will miss him and make me feel bad. Or maybe use their attachment to him to challenge me for being the resident parent. In my darkest moments I have felt like just leaving him to it with them. Them at least they will only have one upheaval to deal with rather then moving home, schools, areas etc. At least I know I would see them regularly and cherish that time. Problem is h is incompetent verging on neglectful. I couldn't guarantee they would be safe with him as a main carer. Probably would just dump all the care duties on the poor soul he moves on to next.

misswhatdoto2 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:03:50

Oh floating please don't be so hard on yourself xxxx
I am currently splitting from dh and going through exactly the same thing xx added to mix that I've had to constantly deal with the him telling me that I'm selfish and ruining everyone's lives it's been VERY difficult to stay strong. Ds is 8 and very sensitive and close to his dad (especially with the Disney dad behaviour) but he is actually dealing with it OK (despite a lot of blaming me and me being the bad guy to begin with) Still early days and I'm sure there will be lots more bumps as things progress but just try to stay strong flowers

floatingawayfinally Tue 28-Mar-17 12:28:17

Sorry to hear your in a similar boat misswhat. It's not easy flowers

I don't know what is up with the Disney dad stuff. One of my biggest issues with h was always that I felt he neglected the kids and left everything to me. I just find it all manipulative. Like why couldn't he have done this from the start. But I'm trying not to be negative about it because the boys at least are happy. I have a sensitive ds too which is one of the reasons I have been able to stay firm despite all the tactics to try and make me change my mind. I know it will only be harder for him to deal with if I leave it longer.

pudding21 Tue 28-Mar-17 14:49:35

I left 6 weeks ago and I had these thoughts for a long time. But essentially I know with all the issues me and EX had I had less head space and time for the kids. Now I am out of it, honestly I feel I have reconnected again with the kids. My head was so full all the time of trying to solve the relationship and deal with EA that I feel I probably wasn't a very present mother (although I really tried to be).

I feel like suddenly in a lighter enviroment I can see their personalities more clearly, I can deal with them how I want to and how my instincts are rather than acting like he would want me to to avoid conflict. Its hard to admit that. So think of it in a different way, yes your kids will be unsettled for a while, but it might actually benefit your relationship with them, and they are still young. My 5 year old has been a breeze, my 9 year old has found it much more difficult.

You aren't going to care less for your children, it actually shows how much you care about them. If you are unhappy, leaving your husband is an act of self care and a very important lesson for your kids for the future. flowers

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