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Flaming arse dominating!

(6 Posts)
Dawndonnaagain Sun 26-Mar-17 14:14:53

Mother's day for years has always been me giving the children some money, getting them to decide if they want to club together or do it separately and then taking them out shopping. On occasion stbxh might manage to get up and organise tea and toast in bed, but that was rare. This is first year without him. He texted one of the two at home at two a.m. The other, relentlessly from six a.m. I suspect in the hopes of them being too tired to get up and get me a cuppa. As it was dd came in at half seven, fed up with his texts but brought me a cuppa and lovely, thoughtful pressies followed by ds getting ready for work at eight. It was quite a nice morning apart from the fact that stbxh has dominated the whole day with his fucking texts. He must be loving this. I'm not, obviously, not just that as usual it's about him, but I'm having to reassure an already extremely fragile dd that I'm fine and not bothered by it. I shall ask solicitor tomorrow if we can at least stop him saying horrible things about me to them. We shall see.
Fucking arse!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 26-Mar-17 14:28:21

dawndonna,

"He must be loving this. I'm not, obviously, not just that as usual it's about him, but I'm having to reassure an already extremely fragile dd that I'm fine and not bothered by it"

I would tell her that you are not fine with this from her father at all. Your DD should infact be told the age appropriate truth in that her dad's behaviours amount to both harassment and wanting power and control now that he does not wield this completely over you as their mother. He should be blocked from their mobile phone lines immediately and any contact to them or you in future should be made only through Solicitors.

He is still controlling you and punishing you further for leaving him by using his children. He is truly the lowest of the low. Such controlling men also do not let go of their victims easily and this type of stuff is yet another example of him wanting power and control. He will continue to try and manipulate you all for the rest of your days particularly if you at all tacitly accept any of this from him.

If you have never read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; he is in those pages.

Men like this one take an awful long time, years even, to recover from, and I would suggest you enrol on WA's Freedom Programme asap attending their sessions in person.

Dawndonnaagain Sun 26-Mar-17 14:59:46

Dd is 20 and will block I suspect, when she is ready. Ds1 blocked this morning. She knows his behaviour isn't appropriate and she knows it's harassment, but I don't want to ruin the day for her, she worked really hard on making it good for me and as she has an ASC and is extremely fragile, I won't mess it up. I have though got a solicitors appointment tomorrow and will have a chat then. I have no contact with him, there is an non mol order in place. Trust me, as soon as all things divorce related are sorted out, I will have nothing to do with him again. He terrifies me. I am articulate, I'm clever, I'm all sorts of things, but when he is in the room, or he starts talking I am a bloody mouse, years of conditioning have taught me not to respond and to do as I'm told, I seem to become instantaneously thick the minute I have to do anything to do with him, the divorce, the bloody lot. There is just this overwhelming fear of getting something wrong and the consequences. I know it's silly but as you say, and as I'm discovering, it takes an awful long time to recover.
Lundy is by my bed, I'm doing it slowly, it panics me!

category12 Sun 26-Mar-17 15:05:22

You need to set boundaries and encourage your dc to set them too. Ie. It's OK to turn off your phones and not respond to texts - it's unreasonable to have anyone, even their father, texting them throughout the night. It's OK even to say "I am not going to respond to any more texts today, I will talk to you [whenever] '. If they can't do this, you might want to encourage them to get some support/counselling.

category12 Sun 26-Mar-17 15:06:18

Sorry x posted

Dawndonnaagain Sun 26-Mar-17 16:43:45

Thank you, category. She is starting counselling next month, all booked in. Ds2 goes to counselling and dd1 has booked some too.
Dd2, the one at home is going to do a course aimed at recognising and dealing with abuse, how to be assertive safely etc. She has actually turned her 'phone off now as the last lot of texts put her in the wrong for visiting him at the wrong time! He's apparently been in hospital, so she looked at it, said he wants me to ask what he was in hospital for doesn't he (I know) ? Yes said I. bugger that she said, and turned the 'phone off!

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