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Threatens to leave every time we have a row(98 Posts)
I've been with my partner for two and a half years. He moved in with me about a year ago. I have 2 older teenagers who both get on with him well. He has a 13 year old daughter who stays occasionally.
When I met him I was selling the jointly owned house I had with my ex partner, very acrimonious spilt. All of the equity in the house was mine and my ex was very bitter that he ended up with only £2k after 6 yrs together. Because of this I vowed never to be financially linked to a man again. My partner pays me rent. I don't need it desperately but obviously it helps. I'm totally independent.
He's a great man, caring, loving, generous and very funny.i love him greatly even though he drives me mad! He helps around the house and will pay for extra shopping etc. His mum died when he was 18 and lost contact with his dad so he's had no real parental influence since then.
I know he wishes he could go on my mortgage but he although he works and has money in the bank he has no house of his own. I just don't want him on the mortgage. He understands this but it's definitely the elephant in the room sometimes.
When we have an argument or disagreement he will call himself 'just the lodger' and say ' I've paid my rent to the end of the month then I'll look for somewhere else' and often adds 'it's what you want' - I've never ever asked him to leave. I know he has self esteem issues and lacks confidence.
Afterwards he will apologise and say he's given up on many relationships but not this one. We laugh about it but I truly hate it. He proposed once (he was drunk so it doesn't count) and I've told him how can I marry someone who threatens to leave every time we have an argument.
Next time he threatens to leave, tell him to go. Write him a cheque for the remainder of the month's rent. Make him leave.
Afterwards you can do what you like, have him back or not. But he has to see how damaging it is to threaten to walk out so call hus bluff.
Only one response to this: "Jog on, love".
Let him go. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you in to adding him to the mortgage. Don't do it.
Perhaps he was attracted to your wealth and he now realises it's not about to be shared with him. Next time he says he'll leave, call his bluff and say yes it might be better if you do. He will soon back track.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of your own is he meeting here?.
How can you at all describe him as "great, caring , loving and generous" when he drops this bomb on you every time you have an argument?. He sounds like a petulant spoilt manchild and he at the very least is also a poor role model to your children.
"Off you go then"
If he wants to act like a child when you argue treat him like one
My DH has low self confidence and has said this for years, he has had times when it's been worse due to his MH. Things have been difficult between us and so recently I asked him to leave because of this and other similar behaviours. It seems to have worked, as I really don't think he realised how damaging it was. He also lost both of his parents when he was fairly young. I kind of think it's a self-preservation thing that he does to stop himself from getting hurt in an argument. But the damage it can do might be unresovable and showing him how much it hurts might be the only way forward.. Also have you thought about couples counselling as that might help you to talk through these concerns without it becoming another argument
I appreciate your thoughts on this but I can understand how he feels as he's probably feeling financially insecure himself knowing he'll never own a home in remaining with your family. I'd be upset about that too if I were him as it's very important to me to have my own property. Of course he's not reacting well but surely you can understand his fears given you share them and this makes you not want to own with another yo protect your interests.
I know you've said he pays rent but it might be as well to get advice about whether you need to get a solicitor to draw something up so he doesn't have a future claim. My friends end and her long term partner split and luckily he didn't try to claim on her house (their home) and her solicitor said d she was very lucky as he could have done if he'd chosen to get difficult about it.
Came on here to comment and then found out I would be saying the same thing as everyone else.
I totally understand where you are coming from about your house - its your security which was gained by you before you even met him. If he was anything like a supportive partner he would see that and not keep pressing you on the subject.
If I were in your position, my security and money would come first and he would be gone
I don't know. I've put myself in both of your shoes and each of you is getting a raw deal. I wouldn't like to live with a partner and pay them rent. Not very secure.
However, I wouldn't tolerate someone threatening to leave.
So, if I were him I would leave and only live with you on an equal footing - a joint mortgage. If I were you, I would say next time you threaten to leave you will have to go. And I would mean it.
In fairness, he knew he was moving in as a lodger!
It's not as if (as far as we know) the OP ever intimated that she would put him on the mortgage.
If you move in as a lodger, you don't get to throw your toys out of the pram that you're a lodger!
'Fuckity bye then' as you open the front door.
Is the only advice I can give.
Sounds like my ex - tho no mortgage I was the one who sorted all the finances out - he contributed financially when it suited him but was never to be counted on. . I was glad when I had a monumental reason to chuck him out as he had become quite draining with his threats to leave.
He is the one that is making your relationship unbalanced. . Not you.
I have some sympathy for him because actually he does have a point. I can see how he must sometimes feel that he's just the lodger.
I think at some point you will need to decide whether you are going to commit to him or not. And if you are, get married so he can feel secure, both financially and in the relationship.
Once he feels secure, he'll likely stop saying it.
If you are never going to commit to him, you should let him know that. If that's the case, I'd advise him to leave you and find someone who will.
This is not meant to be a criticism of you. I completely understand how you feel and you are sensible to be wary but it's not fair to string him along forever.
I can see his point - I would never want to live with someone with the prospect of never getting on their mortgage (if I saw a real future)
What I think he should do is buy a rental property and that way he can feel secure knowing that he has his own property.
And I wouldn't dump just because he is insecure - he can address those areas with professional help.
I do understand why you don't want to compromise on your own and your DC security though, very sensible imo. Neither of you are in the wrong so reach an agreement that works for both
Could he buy his own property and rent it out? I would be tempted to see an ifa and a solicitor to ensure everyone knows where they stand and explore the options. Counselling sounds like it might also be worth considering. There are obviously some underlying issues that need to be resolved.
In your position I would be wary of marrying. Assuming you don't plan to have more children and are both equally free to devote yourselves to your careers as you see fit it seems sensible to retain the financial independence you have now.
You are doing the right thing protecting your assets and for gods sake don't marry him.
He should be making his own investment, a buy to let property.
I wouldn't be happy in his shoes either but understand your reasons. I also think he should buy a rental property.
Imagine if this s was the other way round. We'd all say LTB!! I can understand how he feels like he is just the lodger. Why don't you buy some where together and have a trust setting out what you each contributed so that would be taken into account if you spilt?
I can see both sides of it.
My dh used to threaten to leave when we had a massive row. He has gone as far as packing his stuff up but not actually leaving. After around the 6th time of him saying this i told him that if he did it again then he was going and he was not ever coming back!
He looked me straight in the face and never said anything as he knew i really meant it.
He never said it again.
On another note, it sounds like you will never properly commit to someone due to past experience and this can understandably make someone feel insecure in the relationship.
You wont let him contribute to the mortgage and he pays you rent?? This means if he chooses to stay with you then he will never own his own home. He will never have any assets like you have and its like hes always beneath you in the relationship.
It seems to me that you have built a wall around yourself and no one is getting in. This is not a good thing as eventually you will end up with the kids being adults, you a retired lonely woman with these walls around you that no one can get past.
Every relationship we have is different to ones we have had previously and it doesnt mean they will always go the same way.
Uh it bothers him so much then suggest he gets a place of his own ..rent it out or use as income. What's the back story? He's he always few loaded or has he been 'unlucky'. I think the answer to this would be very telling. If he has a 13 year old DD what security has in place for her?
...Or might you be it? Don't want to sound harsh..but having worked so hard to get back security for my dc's I wouldn't give it up for any man either!
Once he feels secure, he'll likely stop saying it
No he won't! It's his foto argument
OP as you own your house - there's nothing stopping him buying somewhere to rent out is there? Then the rent can pay his rent - then he will own his wonnpeopertybid that's important to him!
If you have a lot of equity and a smaller mortgage - tell him the initial deposit is X amount
House value £200k deposit was £100k
So his deposit would be £50k sharing a £100k mortgage -
He can't just hope on a mortgage and expect half!!
He needs to buy his own place and either let it out or
arrange to visit each others homes.
Some people on here seem to be suggesting the OP just gives him half her house. Why the fuck would she do that? That would be putting her own and her children's security in jeopardy.
If the OP wants to add him. and he can afford to buy a proper share of the house, fair enough, add him on to the mortgage, and allocate his share legally. If not, but he has enough for a deposit on a buy to let he can do that. If he has no money to do either of these things and would be renting anyway, he should shut the fuck up.
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