Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The usual

(100 Posts)
tiredoldcliche Sun 26-Mar-17 09:57:35

Been together 20 years & married 13 years that time. 2 DC 12 & 9.

Like many others I find myself feeling a lack of connection with my wife. I work away quite a lot and find apart from the kids there seems to be no happiness or affection that I feel or I see from her. There is what I would describe as small talk. I certainly never feel any happiness or genuine affection in my direction. This makes me sad and then it just snowballs from day to day stuck in my own negative thoughts.

We are both similar in that we are not the most expressive people, nor romantic but I do and have always thought that if did not make any effort to have the odd hug and kiss there would be nothing at all to distinguish us as a couple. Sex is the same, if I didn't initiate it would rarely/never happen, nothing is reciprocated and kissing is cut short/avoided. If I try to talk about it it's shut down as she just doesn't seem to be able or want to talk about anything.

I have always suspected she won't talk because she doesn't want to tell the truth but she says that's rubbish and I overanalyse things. I don't believe that anymore but am unsure what that means for us really ?

Dunno why I am posting really !

ChuckDaffodils Sun 26-Mar-17 10:27:14

When did you last give her an orgasm?
How often are you at home?
Do you come back, dump dirty clothes and demand food or come back, laden with shopping and goodies and make her feel like she is glad you are back home?
Surely she would miss you being away, all your hands-on child related work, your affection and support? Unless she never gets that and of course can't wait til you leave again.

Aussiebean Sun 26-Mar-17 11:18:03

How much child free time together do you have. Where you make an effort to go to the movies, or somewhere for dinner or a lovely walk?

Hacpac Sun 26-Mar-17 11:24:11

Is getting an orgasm the answer to it! Ha ha. What a stupid post!

Mermaidinthesea Sun 26-Mar-17 11:24:26

She sounds perfectly normal to me. Try getting a hobby rather than pestering her for sex non stop. Like all women she is probably sick to death of it.
What do you want? Her to greet you in stockings and a basque at the front door every night. To fawn at your feet all the time gazing lovingly into your eyes.
You are adults bringing up kids and making a living. It's not all about the first flush of romance any more it should be more about loyalty, friendship, mutual love for the children, your social group and possibly giving something back to the community.
Why are men always so needy.

Hacpac Sun 26-Mar-17 11:29:56

Dont know why I am posting....

Bet you wish you hadn't!

SandyY2K Sun 26-Mar-17 11:46:21

It's amazing the responses when a man posts here.

So very biased. OP I'll send you a PM.

tiredoldcliche Sun 26-Mar-17 11:56:16

smile

So very interesting. Bit of projection, smidgen of assumption and a little accusation.

And some normal responses. Thanks to all for replying though.

This is not about sex. Its more I have realised that something is not right and I do not believe she wants to acknowledge that or do anything about it. The reasons for this, I do not know and asking is like speaking to wall.

HerOtherHalf Sun 26-Mar-17 12:02:49

How much do you work away exactly? At the risk of stating the obvious, it's pretty hard to maintain a relationship if you're not together very often. Is it possible the spark has faded because there just has not been the opportunity to keep it glowing, assuming there was a healthy spark to begin with?

Just my opinion, but you're taking flack about the sex aspect because this appears to be one of your high priorities. It almost reads like you could suffer the rest if you were getting an enthusiastic shag out of her. Maybe it's the way you wrote it but if that is where your head is at then your priorities are wrong and it's no wonder the two of you are drifting apart.

tiredoldcliche Sun 26-Mar-17 12:15:40

I can see my original post reads as if i tried to talk with wife about sex only. I did not mean it that way at all.

What I meant is that talking about ANY aspect of our relationship is usually met with a stony silence and responses feel designed to close down any discussion and I my opinion to avoid telling the truth. I can't say that for sure but that is how it feels.

In terms of how often I am away. Maybe 5-10 nights per month so not that bad but enough to feel a little detached I suppose.

We have not had much of a social life outside of the kids for a long time but we are trying now.

As I said, dunno why I posted. Other than it is a sad time and I wanted to say it.

SandyY2K Sun 26-Mar-17 12:16:14

Why are men always so needy.

Mmmm. What about the countless number of women who have posted about a lack of affection, no shared interests, being rejected by their OHs and the feelings of a loss of self esteem that creates.

I'm just astounded at the barrage of accusations directed to the OP and I can bet a fair sum if the genders were reversed or we'd have a load of LTBs.

chickenjalfrezi Sun 26-Mar-17 12:19:52

If a woman posted this then no way would the first post be 'but when did you last make your husband orgasm?'

NeonGod73 Sun 26-Mar-17 12:23:36

She has fallen out of love and probably doesn't find you exciting anymore. This is what 20 years of being together and having kids does to most couples. Just like the title says, the usual.

Nomoreworkathome Sun 26-Mar-17 12:26:58

Usual double standards alive and kicking on this thread hmm

MagnumPieEye Sun 26-Mar-17 12:27:43

OP is getting a hard time here.

Maybe she doesn't want to discuss it because if you talk about it something will have to be done - separate or work on your relationship.

Harvestmoonsobig Sun 26-Mar-17 12:35:45

Making none pressured time just for yourselves. A walk and a coffee during the afternoon then home to the children. So the suggestion of a deeper intimacy removed allowing you to both connect on an emotional level. Also, you organise the childcare! Best wishes.

tiredoldcliche Sun 26-Mar-17 12:39:32

Maybe she doesn't want to discuss it because if you talk about it something will have to be done - separate or work on your relationship.

I think this would possibly make most sense out of the replies I have had. I don't feel dislike or anger from her. I just feel like another thing in her life.

Part of that is me, I know.

MagnumPieEye Sun 26-Mar-17 13:42:20

I think I treated my ex-h a bit like your wife treats you. I feel awful about that because essentially he's a decent enough man.

And I didn't want to discuss it because I knew there was nothing that could be done to save our marriage but I was scared to end it.

How do you feel about separating, OP?

tiredoldcliche Sun 26-Mar-17 14:13:21

I love her and always will. She is an amazing mum & I still fancy the pants off her but I don't know if I make her happy.

I would not choose to separate but think not knowing whether I make her happy or feeling like I do not make her happy is not something I am capable of doing long term.

It turns me into something I am not. There are times I behave like a child because I cannot get past the lack of feeling/connection. It is not conscious and I hate it, but that is the result sometimes. Without proper dialogue and the truth I don't think I can stop it. I don't think I could choose to leave my kids either.

That last bit I fully expect to take stick for shock

I guess what I mean is don't want to stay in a relationship like this but don't have the balls to leave it.

Confused59 Sun 26-Mar-17 14:37:00

Have you asked her what she wants/needs from your relationship , while also telling her how you feel , starting with no pressure but l feel we are distancing ourselves

TheNaze73 Sun 26-Mar-17 14:47:28

It really sounds like you're the unhappy one & you're being taken for granted.

Esoteric Sun 26-Mar-17 14:51:51

I think my OH could have written this, is there anything in your past (either of you) that remains the elephant in the room, emotional affairs etc? In my case there was from11 years ago and it changed how I felt, how I saw things but I never had 100% proof till a few months ago. I remain with him for now but not sure I will ever feel 100% again , could there be anything underlying like this?

Forflipssake2 Sun 26-Mar-17 14:57:38

Could you write a letter saying how you feel? Then she can have time to think about her reply

tiredoldcliche Sun 26-Mar-17 15:16:49

I guess I could write a letter but think it will be fobbed off.

I will be overanalysing again and 'nothing's wrong'. She really does find it impossibly difficult to talk and say what she thinks.

I did it once a few years ago but it just closed down very quickly.

No elephants in the room other than the fact I have tried to talk and get answers many times but never get any. That in itself is the real elephant.

Forwardsforwards Sun 26-Mar-17 15:27:53

OP I was in your situation but the reverse. Ex shut down any attempt at intimacy, he was resentful and spiteful.
It took me a long time to say enough is enough. To give myself permission, to separate in my head as best I could.

I think its wholly unreasonable to be so disrespectful to one's partner. I felt as though he believed I didn't matter.

He was so bloody wrong. He almost destroyed me in the process. Your spouse is supposed to be a partner concerned with your welfare as well as their own.
Doesn't sound like that's what you're getting from your relationship.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now