Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is our time up, or should I keep trying?(3 Posts)
Hi I can't believe I'm writing this post.
I'm married to a wonderful man, and for the last 3 years we have been trying to conceive.
But over the last year my feelings for him have changed. I'm not sure I'm in love with him anymore, although in do still love him. I feel awful saying that as I don't think he has done anything wrong - I hate the it's not you it's me cliche, but i think it's true.
My mind is so confused. He is kind, caring and considerate, very supportive and loving. As such I feel guilty that I have a lovely man and am pulling away from him.
I'm in my mid 30s, he's almost 50. We have been together 9years.
Our circumstances have not always been easy and have changed in the last 18 months and I'm not sure if this is why I feel this way.
I used to commute so I'd be out of the house 15 hours a day, seeing him for a couple hrs before bed and on weekends. Now I work from home so we are always together- and we have nothing to talk about. We sit at opposite ends of the sofa on our phones every night. I don't think we even have common interests anymore.
Neither of us has friends where we live as we moved to be near his kids from a previous marriage.
He was married before to a woman that is a piece of work. She cheated on him, so he lost all confidence in 'that' department. No matter how much I've tried over the years we can't seem to get a good sex live going, it either never happens or it's very routine and quick.
They had 2 children who she has always used to manipulate him. She moved the kids to N Ireland for a few years and just made it impossible for DH to see them- even defying court. It really broke him as he's a great dad and was really close with the children. One of the things I fell in love with. He lost all his drive and understandably became depressed so I had 4 years for trying to be happy enough to get us both through it. He just lived for them coming home- our own family plans were out on hold until they did.
Now they are back and the relationships with DC are strained still as they left little kids and have come back teenagers. But he still had lost his drive for anything, no hobbies, no ambition, nothing.
We staterd trying for our own children and nothing. I went to see a specialist who eventually concluded I was fine, but he has imotile sperm. He does not seem to take it seriously. He thinks I should just 'have' IVF and we will be fine. I'm starting to resent putting our children on hold because of his ex.
It's got to the Point I feel so distant that everything he does annoys me, even trying to kiss me. He knows something is wrong so is overcompensating which makes it worse.
I don't know what to do.
On one hand I think he's a lovely man, so caring, I was in love with him once and he's such a good dad to his children. And if I left it really would break him. Should I keep trying?
But in the other hand I think, I'm mid 30s I don't have tonnes of time to meet someone else and have children. I'm not happy, I don't feel sexy and our sex life has never been fulfilling (I would never cheat though) and we don't seem to have anything in common. I don't want to be in this situation in 5 years, but by then we have a child.
We go on holiday for 2 weeks in may and I have to say I'm starting to dead it.
Any advice welcome please
Everything has a beginning and an ending, Recognising the ending is the hardest part. I think you have recognised this and need to have the chat with him.
So what would need to change for you to be happy, it might be useful to write a list then put in into order of priority. After that you can see what you think might be achievable and if that's enough, tell him your not happy but think it could be better and how would he feel about xyz.
If then he doesn't see an issue or doesn't put in any effort to change, then you've reached the end.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.