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Someone shake me and tell me how to get beyond the pain and anger

(73 Posts)
hareinthemoon Sat 25-Mar-17 19:45:51

Almost two years into the separation after STBXH told me he wanted a divorce. But only a month into finding out that he had set up OW in the wings and made his move the very day he asked for the divorce.

I've tried so hard, reading the books, doing the exercises, I've been in denial a long time (aided by him keeping me hanging "as a friend" - and my own seemingly endless capacity for ignoring what I didn't want to admit), in pain a long time, recently moved to anger (find myself shouting "I hate him!" several times a day). But whyyyyyyy can't I just get him out of my mind?

He's not often with OW (increasing his obsession) but is with her tonight (as if it has anything whatsoever to do with me) and I just can't concentrate or enjoy myself. I'm so angry at the fact that he took all those years of my care and attention, ignoring me, treating me very poorly - and why did I stay? I was a strong, brave woman with a great future when I met him, and I feel like a washed up old shell of my former self, and I am single and I feel that is a life sentence at the moment. And I am so angry at them being happy.

This isn't me!! Why should I care? Part of me knows it's a good thing it's over, and the other part knows even if I don't want it and am suffering it's over anyway, so - please shake me, hold my hand, tell me your best strategies for moving on with your life after heartbreak. (Even if he is a complete loser dickbrain I can't deny my I've been utterly heartbroken.)

Any fantastic stories of finding love again after the age of 53 would be great as well. I know I do need to stop thinking of a relationship as something to define myself by, but I'm just so lonely. (Not helped by having moved and essentially living and working alone - I can go days and days without speaking to a real person).

user1488723505 Sat 25-Mar-17 19:51:53

I'm 50. My sbxh left for a girl half his age 3 weeks ago. He wants to be friends but I think it creates false hope where there is none. After spending nearly 2 weeks crying I have just moved into the hate stage. I can only give you the advice I have been following. Take each day as it comes and never turn down an invitation to anywhere. It's working for me.

NotTheFordType Sat 25-Mar-17 19:55:32

(Not helped by having moved and essentially living and working alone - I can go days and days without speaking to a real person).

I can't speak to the relationship stuff, but is there any way you can change this? Could you volunteer somewhere? I have found volunteering an amazing way to meet people on my wavelength.

user1470296287 Sat 25-Mar-17 19:57:39

Hi im 51 and a year into this shit storm and yes i get everything you are saying.

The only way I'm getting through it is day by day and have cut all contact, just a few sparse emails and that helps.

Eyes forward one day at a time and remember you have self respect they don't and this was not your choice.
Its your choice now to prove she is welcome to the fool.

Much love and chin up xxx

category12 Sat 25-Mar-17 19:59:45

I think you need to work on building yourself a social circle and having some fun. It's what you need to do to move on, to have a full life and possibly meet someone. And you need to know much much less about his life.

Sunshineandlaughter Sat 25-Mar-17 20:03:37

Work on increasing your real life human contact -what do you like to do (or did you like to do before)? Could you join a local walking group, go swimming at a regular time, book club, volunteer etc?

It's so cowardly he didn't tell you the truth straight away -it would have allowed you to move on so much quicker. That's not a nice person that would keep you locked in like that. He'll cheat on her too.

Autumntactics Sat 25-Mar-17 20:04:18

I'm nearly 50 and I have this problem too and I was thinking about asking the same question! Been split up quite a while but it was on and off for quite a while too, which doesn't help. XP is a mess (lots of heavy drinking) so I don't even see how we could have any sort of relationship, but the pull is still there, plus the anger that he can swan around and do what he wants as DD hardly sees him whilst I'm slogging away working and looking after her. I get out and about quite a bit with work and other activities but I don't meet anyone to have a relationship with. So no suggestions, but sympathy.

Summersunshine222 Sat 25-Mar-17 20:05:41

Hi op. Do you have children together? Or any reason to stay in contact?

hareinthemoon Sat 25-Mar-17 20:25:46

Yes we have older children, one of whom lives with him, hence I am told when he is away overnight. I have cut contact to a minimum.

I have done some activities etc (and made some friends, thankfully) and I do try to get out and about (and try to feel like it and enjoy it) but it's as much that the deck seems stacked against me as an older woman - part of the anger is that it just seems so much easier for him/them (by them I mean men my age - OW is 10 years younger).

But part of the anger is the lack of respect that I put up with for so long, waiting for things to improve. So I guess I'm angry with myself as well.

hareinthemoon Sat 25-Mar-17 20:29:45

Autumn I think the on/off makes it all worse - intermittent reinforcement I'm sure just makes it take so much longer to recognise when it really is over.

Autumntactics Sat 25-Mar-17 20:39:34

Yeah I put up with crap for a long time, but I look at it like I did the best I possibly could to make things work out for DD and I'll never look back and think I could have tried harder and regret it.

My XP started going out with someone 12 or so years younger as that's who he mostly hangs out with drinking. That didn't work out though as he was the same with her as he was with me. I had another relationship which was really good for a while but in the end we were too different.

I think it's hard when it's your DC's dad, as it's the only dad they'll have (certainly if they're older kids) and it's your only chance of being in a "complete" family. I'm lonely too, I have friends but it's not the same as having someone there day to day.

hareinthemoon Sat 25-Mar-17 21:01:54

No it's complicated with all the mourning for what I wanted (for DCs as well, DD is really unhappy about it and DS seems to have shut himself down) - I know it is my issue with expecting things to be fair though. They just aren't and that's it.

I do think I would have done much much better, with all of it, if there hadn't been so much lying. The lies just fucked me up royally. I need to get out of the mindset I developed in response to being comprehensively lied to. They are so unsettling I developed a sort of chronic anxiety, I think.

Autumntactics Sat 25-Mar-17 21:11:47

I find it comes and goes. This morning I felt like total shit but then I popped out and met a friend for coffee and the rest of the day I've been on my own but quite productive and happy with my own company. I think it can be difficult to deal with things completely on your own, our brains are designed to be social, and spending time alone probably isn't great for anxiety (not for mine anyway!). I could do with finding some local single friends, all of mine have paired up, which I guess should give me hope, but they haven't paired up with people I would choose (e.g. dope smokers or commitment-phones)

hareinthemoon Sat 25-Mar-17 21:33:20

Well that's a massive part of the issue, isn't it? I actually can't think of a single man (as in, even one) I know that I'd choose to be with. If mine came along as a stranger I'd probably find him pretty compelling but the problem is, I know the reality behind the facade, and the difference between how he presents and the reality of his sorry arse is making me into a bitter shrew - hence asking for happy stories of people with a Y chromosome who are decent.

EveEveEve Sat 25-Mar-17 22:05:14

Can't offer you a happy story about a decent man (sorry!) How about a quite content story about a woman once in the same place as you who took up boxing? The physical act of punching helped me so much through the 'I really should be past these feelings' times.
It will take as long as it takes, there are no rules. The boxing helped move things on a little for me.

hareinthemoon Sat 25-Mar-17 22:12:14

Hmmmm Eve that does indeed sound like an excellent story.

springydaffs Sat 25-Mar-17 22:37:14

You have to let yourself work through the process. You've been held off from starting the process because you were strung along the bastard

ime of a split from an abusive shit who put me through hell for years: I fantasised about torturing and killing him. I'm not exaggerating, this is precisely what I did (in my head , sadly). I tell you, it got me off to sleep at night - it gave me such peace. Sorry if that shocks you though!

The awful thing about profound shock and heartache is we have a tendency to get into our head - 'I shouldn't be feeling this/I should move on/I should be over this by now'. Well, fuck that. Let rip, girl. Indulge your fantasies for JUSTICE. Such an underrated impulse..

The torture fantasies eventually died out. ime extreme emotional states eventually settle down. The best thing you can do is INVEST in you to the hilt; turn over every stone to pump the very best into your life. You may not feel particularly enthused initially but you will be building your future, it will pay off.

I feel I can reliably assure you he isn't going to land on his feet. He may, or may not, look like he has but, from what you've said, he is morally bankrupt. That stuff pays people back.

springydaffs Sat 25-Mar-17 22:37:42

And do the Freedom Programme. That should straighten your head out a bit.

Doc1308 Sat 25-Mar-17 22:46:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doc1308 Sat 25-Mar-17 22:54:00

Message anytime for chat

hareinthemoon Sun 26-Mar-17 00:00:56

Thanks Springy (again - it's not the first time you've offered me good advice/resources) - I'd so love to believe that there is payback but I see the opposite far more often - shitty people getting away with stuff and lovely people suffering - and I can just see the justification for what he's done forming in his brain as he retells history to make it all an inevitability that they have ended up together. Meanwhile during the relationship he now sees as having always been wrong, I grew up and learned how to truly love another person, how to behave as a responsible adult, and so I have all these skills in relationships that I am frightened I'll never have a chance to use again.

I know I need to be investing in me and that is the only thing that will really help - but my work is all brain work and the NOISE from my emotional turmoil just gets in the way. So thanks even more for advice and strategies...

floraeasy Sun 26-Mar-17 08:26:33

Anger is a valuable part of your healing.

The fact that you are lonely is your biggest problem right now. It makes your Ex loom large and you have few distractions.

My advice:-

(1) Jump for joy you have got rid of a liar.
(2) Know that his new rel'p likely won't last past the honeymoon stage.
(3) Socialise! Go to the opening of an envelope - just go!
(4) Makeover time!
(5) Book a trip/holiday/redecorate - whatever you can manage.
(6) MN is your lifeline .

You can do this, OP, you really can! It won't be long before you look back on your old self and realise how far you've come!


hareinthemoon Sun 26-Mar-17 14:19:48

Thanks flora, I needed that.

On good days I do indeed jump for joy that I am free of The Liar.

Last night was a very bad night, though. Thanks all for your help.


SmokedGlass Sun 26-Mar-17 19:51:32

Hi - I'm in exactly the same position. Split up 2 years ago at my instigation after a really awful period of our lives (no ow)
We were together for 30 years with 3dc, I moved a few miles away and he stayed in the family home
We kept a close relationship going, it was like 'can't live with them but can't live without them scenario'
I missed him and our life together

Anyway, over time things got better and we started to talk about buying a new home together and starting again - then bugger me, in January he phoned me one morning to tell me he'd met someone online, had met up with her for a few dates and wanted to take it further
In fact, in the space of 10 weeks he has now sold the family home and moved 100's of miles away to be near her
To say I was devastated has been an understatement - the shock and the pain is unbearable
My family and friends have been a great support so has going back to work

I thought I was going to have a breakdown but slowly every day it gets less painful. I tell myself to focus on positives, take every opportunity going to get out and about, it hurts tremendously but I know it will get better in time, anger is just starting to surface
My language is terrible but only I hear it !
Feels fucking good though

I actually think he's gone mad
So out of character for him but it's his decision and I have my pride
There has been absolutely no contact since January
I'm just humiliated I didn't see it coming

hareinthemoon Sun 26-Mar-17 19:52:40

Well today has been tougher than I'd anticipated. I woke up ok given that I felt pretty much like someone who secretly lives in an attic and sets fire to things, but then DD rang this morning and it was clear she'd forgotten it was Mother's Day - though she was staying overnight with DSD who got on the phone and was the one who wished me a happy day (bless her). Both DS and DD eventually sent me wishes but I knew that they just hadn't thought about it at all, and then I felt cross, because I've always reminded them about Father's Day etc, and also because this time last year I know I was still in a fantasy world of the potential for us to fix things, and he was busy fucking someone else and planning a lovely future.

So there was a little storm of misery for a bit - it was shorter than they have been, though, and I got better. And I watched Out of Africa, which is my favourite reminder of how to Give Everything Up Gracefully. Hope you all have had a better day.

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