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I've had enough- is it a good enough reason to end it?

(10 Posts)
Heartbreaker83 Sat 25-Mar-17 09:24:04

I've name changes for this but I'm a regular.

Dp and I have been together almost 8 years, 2dc 3 and 18mo. I love him but we are more like friends than a couple. I've finally admitted to myself that he is very immature, not in an obvious way but I make all of the decisions as he's clueless. If I don't speak up about things getting done then it won't get done, but when I ask he will eventually do things. I feel like he doesn't know what it takes to be a part of our family, his role as my partner and his role as a dad as he doesn't really make any contribution without being asked. We've talked about it many times and he's alway got a million excuses tiredness from work being the most common (he works ft I'm a SAHM), he seems to think because he works full time he doesn't need to do anything else. Where as I feel like he should be trying to do more to spend time with the dc as he hardly see's them, occasionally taking us all out, talking with his mum to babysit so we can have some time (my mum is in another country) etc. I try my best to do nice things for him and he's grateful but never offers to do any nice things for me.

Our personalities are polar opposites, I'm very loud and outgoing and he's very quiet and introverted, when we started dating I felt uncomfortable with this as we'd have nights out where we would run out of things to talk about and we'd sit in silence, or I'd be yabbering on and he would have that bored/uninterested look on his face, I actually wanted to end it a few times because I felt we were so miss match but when I bought it to his attention he would make more of an effort. Fast forward to now and it's still the case, he seems distant from us all, I'll have a moan he changes for a bit but I think it's his personality rather than being like that deliberately. But now I've had enough. I've had enough of being the one in charge and giving direction on everything. I find our relationship boring and unsatisfying and so is our life together. While he is at work me and the dc have some really fab days out and go to lots of new places I'm always trying to do fun things with them and I enjoy it so much, but when he's around the mood is sullen, and when he is off work he's quite happy going to the local park and then home unless I suggest we go a bit further. He's quite happy with his lot and to muddle along not trying anything new.
I do love him and I know he loves his kids but I'm not happy in our relationship and haven't been for years.

Not sure what I'm asking for really, maybe confirmation if it's enough of a reason to end things? I don't want him to hate me but I want him to maybe admit he feels the same?

Thanks for reading

Mavisblewitt Sat 25-Mar-17 10:53:16

I could have written this myself. About a month ago I sat him down and told him how I felt. He was devastated and this month has been bloody horrendous

However we're still living together, currently as friends.
He's done so much to try and improve the situation. The main issue with us was his job meaning he was always working at the weekends (I work ft Monday to Friday, sometimes overnight stays) meaning we never had any quality time together. No time to do basics like getting the house organised and decorated. Weekday evenings just sat watching tv or on gadgets and not talking.

Plus there's historical emotional abuse, going through my phone and accusing me of being unfaithful (I've never cheated) but this has stopped in recent years.

Sorry this is turning into an essay, and I digress.

Sit him down and tell him how you feel. It took me about a year to pluck up the courage, and yes it will probably cause a shit storm, but once you both know where you stand, get the issues out on the table and start dealing with them.

We're not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot, and we may never be able to get back to how we were, but we've decided to approach this with level heads and frank talking because of the children.

I wish you lots of luck whatever you decide, but please remember you deserve to be happy xx

Heartbreaker83 Sat 25-Mar-17 14:31:52

Sorry you are going through this too mavis can i ask how long you have been with your dp? And are you both at the point of trying to make it work?

We've had numerous conversations in the past about making more of an effort and I guess it's normal to hit a rough patch but i feel like it's only me trying to fix it.

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed Sat 25-Mar-17 15:12:30

I could have written this myself too unfortunately. Been with H for 23 years married for the last 7 of those we have a 3yr old.
I've given up 'trying' to sort it out as it never lasts' he may change for a few weeks and makes the effort but then it creeps back. He seems incapable of doing anything with my direction or help! It's like I'm his mother, sex is non existent. I know I have to separate but he will be devastated and I worry the impact a separation will have on our child.
You are not alone!

Mavisblewitt Sat 25-Mar-17 15:31:01

heartbreak I've been with him for nearly 23 years.
As it stands at the moment, we are not officially "together" but I have said I'm prepared to give him a chance to change things before I finally decide one way or the other.

Due to finances and work commitments we are unable to live apart, plus i want to be 100% sure it's what I want.

On a positive note we are communicating MUCH more than before and he's pulled his finger out and found a regular Monday to Friday job with weekends off which he starts Monday which will take the pressure off massively.

For example, today we were all up by 8am, had breakfast together and went into town for a bit of shopping. Whereas before he'd have been in bed until 11am (he wouldn't get home from work until 3am Saturday and Sunday mornings) and wouldn't want to go out and do anything as a family. I put up with this for 6 years and it felt like I was literally wasting my life! That probably sounds dramatic though!

Like I said it's very early days, we've even been intimate a couple of times (first time in over 4 years) which is promising, but it may just be an initial reaction to drastic changes and a result of all the extra communication.
ifeel maybe it's time to face up to it, you've given repeated chances and nothing's changed. Your child will be happier with a mum who's happy and not feeling weighed down and unappreciated by someone who hasn't even got the basic decency to work to make his wife feel happy
💐💐

Mavisblewitt Sat 25-Mar-17 20:07:14

Lyrics better man by Pearl Jam. Kind of sums it up really!

Lyrics
Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Oh

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself, oh
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah

She loved him, yeah, she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah, that's why she'll be back again

Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man

SandyY2K Sun 26-Mar-17 11:20:44

OP,

I think you've raised the issue numerous times and it is doubtful things will change.

It looks like what you're seeing, is who he is. That's his natural inclination. He'll change when you raise the issue, but that's just a temporary thing, because it's not his natural self.

From what you've said those character traits were always there and you tried to make the relationship work.

One thing I've learnt in life, is that you can't change people. I take people as I find them and in relationship terms, if a man doesn't display the qualities you want, it's best to just exit stage left and leave them to it, realising you just aren't compatible.

It's much better to leave, before the dissatisfaction leads to an affair.

Heartbreaker83 Mon 27-Mar-17 13:33:25

Sorry I actually forgot about this, thanks for the replies.

I'm sad to hear I'm not the only one going through this. It's sad because so many of us put up with being unhappy and just being pulled along. Why should we have to compromise what we want and they get to do what the hell they want?!

It always annoys me that everything I do revolves around our family but he just thinks of himself.

He's a bit of a recluse too, doesn't go out with friends, I think because he doesn't call them they've given up always calling him. He doesn't have hobbies either, when we met he used to go to the gym a lot with his friend but slowly he stopped and that friend has moved away and without someone pushing him, he's not interested. and don't get me started on holidays, not interested at all. I had to give him an ultimatum for us to go on our holiday last year - but I was willing to end things.

I go running and do lots of workouts at home so I'm Really active but he's not interested in any activities. I even asked him last week as I was about to do the weekly online shop if he had any suggestions for dinners and he said no?! I mean honestly it's this that makes me want to scream because he wil expect me to have cooked something when he comes home from work but it's literally all down to me.

I'm always trying to justify it all in my head, and have a solid reason of why I want to split but to be honest there are lots of small reasons. They last 'proper talk' we had it was heading in the direction of ending things but he said he will do his best to make some changes and I was gutted. But I didn't want to hurt him by saying no. Since then he has made some small changes so he is trying but as you say sandy he will eventually go back to his old ways.

Adora10 Mon 27-Mar-17 14:01:33

Just cos he works that doesn't give him a free pass to not join in with family life fgs; so what, he works, we all do, this is who he is, who is basically immature and selfish.

You, on the other hand sound bloody marvellous, go out there and find your like minded equivalent.

troodiedoo Mon 27-Mar-17 14:06:24

I could have written that 7 years ago. Realised that was as good as it was ever going to get so ended it with x. It was fairly amiable considering but still the most painful thing I've been through.

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