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Is it actually 'just fun'

(117 Posts)
Oliveoiled Sat 25-Mar-17 08:37:14

This is quite long but I really need some perspective so please bare with me!
So I met someone last year through their job, I was, and still am a client. It's to do with business advisory and such.
We started texting each other a lot and it progressed from there really and we started spending more time together. I'll point out the ages, I'm not sure if it's relevant but it could be, I'm 25 and he's 45 so a 20 year age gap.
Basically yesterday was the first time we properly slept together and I'm so confused, we spoke about it before hand and I said I was a bit nervous and stuff and he was just like it's fine, no pressure, this is only a bit of fun. This has been said before as well about what we're doing.
The confusion comes from I feel like I really like him and some of his behaviours are really contradicting as to if he actually likes me or not.
Examples are he messages me daily, always saying good morning how's your day etc and we also message every night. He's always giving me compliments but not your usual sexual stuff, like paragraphs telling me I'm extremely beautiful, funny, free spirited and exciting.
He also comes to see me a few times during the week when nothing sexual is involved just for coffee and a chat and he always kisses me goodbye and stuff.
I don't know if he does like me more then he's saying? The contact just seems so much for 'just fun' I don't really know what to do or say, I don't wanna talk about it an make a fool of myself if it is just that. On the other hand if nothing is going to come of this then I want to cut it off now as I do really like him.
I know it's long and I sound a bit daft, sorry!

DrMorbius Sat 25-Mar-17 08:39:47

Is he in a relationship?

Trills Sat 25-Mar-17 08:52:15

It sounds like he's made it pretty clear that he does not want a relationship with you.

HerOtherHalf Sat 25-Mar-17 09:01:03

Not a direct answer to your question but this doesnt sound like a great relationship for you. The combination of the age/experience gap and your lack of self-confidence means that there is a significant emotional power imbalance. You'd be much better off in a more equal relationship.

Cricrichan Sat 25-Mar-17 09:03:38

Honestly you're very young to get together with someone so much older. I'd concentrate on meeting someone a lot younger.

Trills Sat 25-Mar-17 09:05:09

He doesn't take you seriously. He thinks that not just "what you are doing" is a bit of fun, he thinks that YOU are a bit of fun.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 25-Mar-17 09:05:32


MangoSplit Sat 25-Mar-17 09:06:08

Married was my first though too

SmartyPants0 Sat 25-Mar-17 09:06:13

What DrMorbis said... is he in a relationship?

Crunchybadger Sat 25-Mar-17 09:06:17

Doesn't sound like much fun for you.

You are uncomfortable = end it.

Take care of yourself!

niceupthedance Sat 25-Mar-17 09:06:30

It takes minimum effort to write flowery texts. He can have no romantic feelings for you and still tell you how young and exciting he finds you... actually he sounds like a bit of a sad case. Why do you like him?

Oliveoiled Sat 25-Mar-17 09:07:31

No he isn't in a relationship, as far as I'm aware. Now you've said it though I'm wondering if this could be a possibility?
I do feel it is unbalanced as in I just go along with whatever he says. I just like him far more than I should considering what he's said about just being fun. It just confuses me with all the contact and stuff, he's always the one messaging me, wanting to meet for coffee and kissing me and stuff.

niceupthedance Sat 25-Mar-17 09:07:56

Also do you think he makes a habit of sleeping with his clients? Ugh

Dozer Sat 25-Mar-17 09:10:11

He clearly just wants sex.

Unprofessional of him to pursue a sexual relationship with a client.

Mysteriouscurle Sat 25-Mar-17 09:10:22

My first thought was married too. I think he is not so much saying "this is just fun" as "don't go getting serious on me". Dump and block. For your sake I think you shouldn't see him at all. Not even as friends

HumpMeBogart Sat 25-Mar-17 09:11:03

I'm really sorry but I think he's almost definitely married / in a relationship. The flowery texts and coffees are to keep you interested - saying it's 'just a bit of fun' is him telling you not to ask for anything from him. Been there and it's horrible. End it now before you get really hurt.

Oliveoiled Sat 25-Mar-17 09:11:33

I like him because he's so nice to me, always bigging me up and we just have quite a lot in common which is surprising considering the age gap. I forgot to say he has said he would be gutted if I frayed seeing anyone else, I don't know if that means more?
I am now wondering if marriage is an option though

Dozer Sat 25-Mar-17 09:12:45

You like him far more than you should given that his behaviour is unprofessional and sleazy (the age gap combined with the way you met, his use of stereotypes in texting you - "free spirited", "just a bit of fun" - bleugh!) and that you are seeking a relationship, and he very clearly won't be good boyfriend.

You don't need to "just go along with things". Dump him as a person and adviser, and don't pay him!

BadToTheBone Sat 25-Mar-17 09:13:14

I honestly can't see the problem here, he has been in a relationship of sorts with you for months, he's wanting to take it to the next level but you seemed nervous so he tried to help relax you by saying you'd have fun in bed. No idea why people are saying this is an imbalance.

Dozer Sat 25-Mar-17 09:14:04

It is easy for him to say nice things to you, and act as though you have lots in common. It isn't necessarily sincere.

Oliveoiled Sat 25-Mar-17 09:14:28

Oh fuck, maybe you're all right. I don't know.
The sleeping with clients thing I do believe that he hasn't before as he was so nervous at the beginning

ijustwannadance Sat 25-Mar-17 09:14:55

He has told you it is just a bit of fun.

Chasingsquirrels Sat 25-Mar-17 09:16:18

Have you talked to him about it?
Is he in a relationship was also one of my thoughts.
If he just wants fun and you don't - move on.
20 years can be nothing, but in so many other ways 20 years can be an awful lot. 25 & a young 45 might work, 35 & 55?, 45 & 65?, 50 (which will seem so old to you now but isnt) & 70 (which us getting towards old)? I say this as a 44yo whose 58yo DH has just died.

But, my relationship with my late DH kind of started like this - we'd known each other for ages as colleagues with no thought of anything from either side. Then we gradually were working more and more together, and became closer but neither of us really saw it coming - we weren't flirting at that point, we'd just built an emotional attachment without realising it. Then when the flirting started neither of us wanted to admit what it was, because we were scared that it wasn't that for the other one and we might lose what we had. He got there first, I told him it was just sex for a long time.

You need to talk to him OP, and - find our if he is already in a relationship.

Oliveoiled Sat 25-Mar-17 09:16:30

Badtothebone- do you think so? I do feel like he does actually like me but I just don't want to look like an idiot if he doesn't

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 25-Mar-17 09:19:40

Of course he doesn't want you to see other people. That would interfere with having his ego boost on tap.

Wife out of town, feeling sad and lonely, call Olive, she will big me up.

Wife bathing the kids, annoyed with him because he didn't set off the dishwasher again, text Olive, she'll text back saying how great he is and he'll feel like a big sexy man.

There's a reason he's not got a 45yo as his bit on the side. No, not that we are haggard old witches. We see right through him. He has no chance. You are easy pickings.

I expect he hasn't slept with you until now because it allowed him to convince himself that he wasn't cheating on his wife.

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