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Feeling very vulnerable. Am I right to?(43 Posts)
Backstory: DP and I been together for two years, I'm almost 30 weeks pg. We've been having a rough few weeks and I've been questioning things. Last argument was yesterday. About the fact that he's very unaffectionate towards me, rarely cuddles or kisses me. Sex has been on a very steep decline since we found out about the pregnancy. He doesn't want it. This is hard for me and has had a negative affect on my self esteem.
So today, he leaves about 1 to go briefly to work, then on to a mates to go out for a bit to catch up. No problem, he won't be back late he says. Last contact we have is me texting him to have a good time, I'll probably be asleep when he gets in and that I'm still struggling with things as they are. This was in response to a text he sent me and was just after he left. No reply.
I have DC from a past relationship so I just crack on with stuff with them, have a bath and head to bed early. He's usually back 10-11 as he works 12 hours a day on weekends. Wake up to my son at 2 and he's not here. Check my phone to find a missed call at 21.50 ( I went to sleep early) and a text saying he was staying at his friends as it was 5 mins from work and they were having a good time. Also that his friend was a mess and 'needed' him.
I'm not saying this isn't ok, I just feel really vulnerable. The pregnancy has really changed me from who I used to be and is having an effect on how I view myself. Him barely touching me in even an affectionate way is seriously adding to my self esteem issues. So this seems big to me. The fact that I'm struggling so he disappears. I won't see him until Tuesday now as I'm always asleep when he gets in. But his friend is struggling so he must stay with him. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
i would be hurt
so sorry to hear this hope you are ok
I'm ok. Just can't sleep now. So much would've felt better if he'd come home, woken me up, given me a cuddle (he usually only does this while I'm asleep, so he can say he has.) and said he missed me. Even that's too bloody hard for him.
I've asked him to give me some space. He hasn't replied.
Do you mean he doesn't want the baby? Just want to make sure I understand your OP properly.
No, he wants the baby. Is very excited about him being here. It's me he seems to be rejecting.
Thanks for clarifying that. Have you told your DP really clearly how you feel? Not by text, but in an actual RL conversation? If you can get your communication working right, it'll help you to work out what's really going on. He owes you a proper, genuine explanation I think.
We're discussed how his withdrawal of almost all affection severely affects me. He always promises to try but he can almost never bring himself to touch me in any way any more.
He hasn't responded to my request for space. I'm just so hurt that we're struggling and yet his friend was more important. He first said he was staying out because they were having a good time, then followed it with his friend 'really needing him' and that he couldn't be left.
He's also got an alcohol problem, he gave up for a month in January and then decided to introduce it back into his life on a smaller scale, so only has a few a couple of nights a week. But I'm still uncomfortable with that. So I imagine last night would also have been a blowout so that may well be another reason why he chose not to come home so I couldn't see the state he was in.
I likely won't see him until Tuesday now because of his shifts anyway, but I asked him to stay with his friend so I have some time to clear my head.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so vulnerable . I would feel that way too if I was you.
Just remember that everybody deals with things differently and not always in a way that is constructive to other people. So he may have stayed out because he just wanted to have a 'blowout' I.e. Stress relief sesh, not necessarily with alcohol or other vices.
But, and here is the pay attention but, please do hold on tight to your gut instinct on this. Only you know this person very well, so you are the one who will have the best idea of what his behaviour really means and might mean for your relationship.
I'd encourage you to write down what has happened and what you feel about it. This could be stress relieving and it could also be something for you to refer back to should this behaviour of his become a pattern.
I am a bit confuse. What do you mean by "your request of space" ?
You have plenty of space as he is not around much is he?
Do you actually mean to give you more of his time?
Still not heard from him so I guess he's not giving it too much thought.
"He's not giving it much thought"
...Or he's respecting your request for space! Obviously I don't know either of you, or the full back story, but it can be bloody difficult to do the right thing in situations like this.
My exW told me she wasn't happy and then buggered off for a week (I looked after the dc). I was told she wanted to think things through and I "shouldn't pressure her." So I lasted about 4 days with no contact from her at all. Sent one text (a sentence just asking if she was ok) and was told I was pressuring her. She got back after the week, dithered for another and then told me it was over for good.
The point being, I was then told that I hadn't done enough to try and win her back during that week! Mind you, I was also criticised for not being "man enough" about her first affair confession and that a real man would have kicked her out of the house, not tried to make things work.
Sorry, rant over. Point being that texts, and even calls, are a shit way to try and talk through these kinds of issues. In regards to the sex/intimacy, could he be one of those blokes that feels too protective during pregnancy? Were things generally ok before you got pg?
Point taken! Though in general I would have expected him to ignore me, but you may be right and he has listened.
We've spoken frequently about these issues face to face and it makes no difference to them. He is very unaffectionate with me and has always had difficulty showing his affection physically but it has got worse since the pregnancy. I've asked him several times if the lack of affection is due to new feelings about the pregnancy but he's always said no. Just that it's difficult for him and he struggles with showing it and that's just the way he is. There are no hugs, kisses or sexual advances. He doesn't even hold my hand and if I hold his he finds a reason to let go ASAP. My self esteem has hit rock bottom because I need to still feel loved. His words aren't always enough.
I needed him last night too, I needed him to come back to me. I'm glad he was having a good time, but I hate that in the end continuing that was more important than me. I hate that he then used his friend as an excuse, saying that he needed him. My exh always put other people's needs before anything, including me and his children so I can't go through it all again. I just needed to know I was more important to him emotionally even if he couldn't show it physically.
Difficult. I do get where you're coming from too. I was in a relationship not long after exW and I split up (arguably much too soon after) with a lady who had a lot of good qualities but would not show affection in public. Not talking pda here, just hand holding, and it wasn't an awful lot better in private.
The difference between that and the relationship I'm in now... most of my mates have commented at some point on how much happier I was when she and I split.
If this is a short term thing (as in he was better before you got pg) I'd say hang in there, it'll probably sort itself out after. If he's always been like that, then he might not be the right person for you to be sharing your life with long term - but try some couples counselling to see if it's something he can work through.
Sorry, you've already said he wasn't great before the pg, I should have read more closely. If he is like that then it's unlikely he'll agree to any sort of counselling / therapy so you have to make a choice.
Is what he does do enough or are you just going to keep getting hurt? Presumably he has other qualities that attracted you to him originally - are they enough?
I'm definitely a "hug" kind of guy. I couldn't (and didn't) stay with someone who constantly refuses to hold hands, hug, kiss etc. Even the sex is less important, to me, than the physical intimacy in a relationship, and I wouldn't want to go back to something where it was lacking.
But then I don't have that person's child on the way either, so it's a hell of a lot easier for me to say.
You feel vulnerable because your (and DC1's) situation IS vulnerable. He has an alcohol problem, which he's not addressing (and you can't cure or control) and isn't behaving in a kind or loving way. You've spoken to him about this repeatedly and he has made no changes, so it's sensible to assume he won't change and make plans to leave.
The fact that I'm struggling so he disappears.
I've literally made a thread mentioning this very same treatment from my DP. I am also pregnant.
When my DP upsets me, I tend to react in a cycle of emotions: upset > anger > loneliness > upset and so on.
In anger I often ask for space. But then get lonely when he leaves me alone. You sound the same.
I needed him last night too, I needed him to come back to me.
Did you tell him this?
To be honest, the sex decline does bother me but I do need intimacy more. I need the hugs, kisses and affection more than that. We have no real intimacy any more. He has lots of good qualities, he's very witty, intelligent, accepting of my oddities ( which I haven't experienced before) and used to be very good at making me wonderful. I'm not sure where that's gone. I can have a really good conversation with him and he exercises my mind. I love that about him. He's very supportive of my children and has lots to do with encouraging them alongside me. I just hate living out our lives literally at opposite ends of a room.
Dozer, I don't feel vulnerable in that sense, the house is mine and he has no access to my finances. He'll be the one leaving.
How are you feeling now OP? You sound a bit more upbeat.
Have you heard from him yet? Have you told him how you feel?
By the time I got the text it was 2, he'd text me at 10. I've heard from him and his friend was suicidal, that's why he stayed. I've told him how it made me feel, waking up without him here and how unimportant it made me feel that while we were having difficulties he stayed out to be there for someone else. He apologised and said he had to stay because he would've felt guilty if anything had happened, that whatever decision he made would've been wrong. They were still out though at 10, and he was having a 'good time' he said so I'm struggling to go from that to suicidal friend he couldn't dare leave.
I've still asked him to stay elsewhere while I figure out what to do. My mum took me out for lunch though so I'm feeling slightly less 'doom and gloom.'
hmmm I fail to see how one can have a 'good time' with a suicidal mate
Has his mate got a history of mental health issues?
It's Mother's Day tomorrow - do you think he'll redeem himself?
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