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Advice please(19 Posts)
My partner and I have been together 4 years and sadly it's not a happy relationship. Im hoping for some advice on how to deal with the situation as I feel trapped, something which I feel he set out to achieve.
I didn't return to my job after maternity leave and have been a SAHM since (DS nearly 2). We are not married so yes I know this was a very stupid mistake on my part! He told me he would leave me if I went back to work, as ex worked there. I went along with it as I wanted a family for my then 9 month old.
The jealousy has continued and despite the fact he does what he wants when he wants yet the suggestion of me going out on an evening means I am called every name under the sun. He texts numbers he doesn't know on my phone, opens post if he doesn't know what it is, listens to my telephone conversations.... I could go on.
He is out multiple times a week, using work 'networking' as an excuse. on numerous occasions he has not come home and not even made contact to tell me this. He tells me the night before that he is away for the week/weekend.
Therefore as a result he regularly goes over a week without seeing our DS. He does absolutely nothing for him, I can count on one hand how many nappies he's changed in his life, yet in front of people puts in this doting dad act. Most weekends he's not around yet when it suits him he excepts me to just fall inline with what he wants.
I do absolutely everything in the house, for him and our DS, he doesn't so much as put his washing in the laundry basket. I appreciate that he is at work but I don't think I'm asking too much for a bit of help, I'm currently treated like his house keeper.
With regards to finances he pays what he deems a reasonable amount into the joint account each month. Whilst I am able to buy things from it a £20 purchase for myself (literally one off) has been challenged by him. He earns considerably more than he puts into our account and is keeping the rest in his sole account (I wouldn't be surprised if he were also making big pension contributions to reduce any future maintenance payments).
I feel completely trapped, financially I am in an awful position. I'm scared of what underhand tactics he would try , I found a list of actions he were to take which included querying my mental state with a GP. There is and never has been any issue there but it's just scares me what lengths he will go to.
He says he would go to court for 50:50 contact, this would be extreamly difficult for me having bought DS up pretty much on my own, is he likely to get this? I do believe he is saying this to get to me as his actions to date have hardly shown DS to be his priority.
I really need some advice on how to get my ducks in a row. Sadly I feel I may have left this too late and therefore handed him all the power to sort himself out whilst ensuring I do not come out of this well.
It's never too late. Have you got family? A support network? Your partner is financially and emotionally abusing you and you need to get away.
I see lots of recommendations to contact women's aid and I think you should do that.
He may well get contact but cross that bridge when you get there. Plus, he sounds like he won't actually want it when it comes to the crunch.
Make your focus getting away. Where could you go?
Thank you for your reply.
Yes I have family who would be very supportive. I guess it's just difficult to make the decision to leave as I know it will be so hard at first, despite the fact I know that is the only way this can end.
I wouldn't ever try to stop contact. But he knows that the best way to get to me is through DS so that's where a lot of his threats are centred.
If you have supportive family I'd be off as soon as I could. Give him all the contact he wants (provided he's not a danger to your child) and I'd expect he'd not actually want 50:50 if it came to it.
Make a plan, get all your valuables together and go. Maybe one of the weekends he disappears would be a good time.
You are getting nothing from your relationship but stress and unhappiness. Do you want your DS growing up thinking your partner's behaviour is normal? Do you want him treating future partners like that? If you won't end it for yourself end it for your son,
Life is too short for being treated like this, and you are a role model to your child so it is important to focus on bringing little people up in a good happy environment. They soon pick up on your unhealthy unhappy circumstances. You can organise your escape plan on the nights and weekends he is out, and perhaps family can help you out with child minding while you get your stuff and leave? He might get joint custody but he doesn't sound like he wants it, especially if it interferes with his work and social life. He is just trying to control you. You could start again, and get the police involved if he starts abusing you once you have left. You would be entitled to benefits until you get on your feet and as your child grows, you can get access to all sorts of child-care so you can think about work, education or whatever suits you. You should tell your GP that you are leaving the relationship due to domestic violence...because his control and threats is emotional abuse. It may help if you call Women's Aid for specific legal advice.
The only way to deal with this bully is to leave him, and be thankful you are not married - that is no divorce proceedings hanging over your head as a vindictive ex can refuse to sign the papers etc.
Get out, get to your family or just away. Your mental health will benefit greatly from being away from this creep! Your lovely ds doesn't deserve to grow up like this, with his mother treated like this, and you don't need this crap either. A loving parent and husband doesn't threaten, withhold money, isolate, spy or call names - not once, not sometimes, not ever. you would be so much better on your own. good luck op, it will be hard, but so so worth it, and easier and easier as time goes on.
It's very typical of abusive men to threaten women with no support and/or residency. Rarely does it actually happen because truth be told if they don't bother with the child when they live in the same house, they won't bother when they don't.
Gather your stuff, contact CMS and go to people who love you.
If you have supportive family I'd be off as soon as I could.
He's abusive and controlling. He's probably projecting his poor behaviour onto you and please know it's not too late.
Is the house his?
I would in your position, pack my stuff and go to live with my son. This is not a man you can reason with. So I'd let him know:
• the relationship is not working for you
• that you feel your DS would thrive better with mum and dad seperate and happy
With abusers like him, dont blame him (to his face) for your desire to leave and dont accept blame either. Don't get drawn into a long discussion about it. Stick to how you are chosing this in the best interest of yours and DS's wellbeing.
Keep calm when you tell him. If you think he could get violent, then have your stuff packed and your son awith family, when you speak to him in a public place, so you can leave from there if he kicks off.
He's trying to manipulate and trap you, using your DS to keep you in a place of submission.
Get your mail redirected to a family members house and not being married may mean you just get child support. In time your DS will go to nursery, you can look at getting a part time job maybe a full time job if you put DS in full time private nursery.
Stop his bullying, but don't get drawn into his arguments.
Yes leave asap. Stay with family if you can and arrange a meeting with cab or similar and see what you're entitled to. I doubt that someone who doesn't see his child all week because he's out after work would want 50/50 but if he does end up having shared custody it'll mean you get a chance to go back to work properly and don't have to pay for so much childcare.
Contact your old work place and see if they're looking for anyone.
I wouldn't even be shocked if he left that list for you to find. This is a tactic of an abuser than ensures your compliance based on fear of him. So you are essentially living in a fearful controlled environment. You can see from his actions the only person he really cares about is himself, so it makes more sense that these fears will not actually happen. BUT men like this often know your weak spot and will the use it against you - DS. I also advice doing all these things people have listed and finding a way out without him knowing. He's away so much that you have good opportunities. Stay safe x
People are saying leave him but, in reality, that's not always easy to do. You need to talk to family members to see if they would allow you to live there for a while. It may in truth be quite a long time before you could branch out on your own so you may need to stay with them for some time. No doubt he knows where your family members live so he will certainly be straight round there once he finds you gone. I have a strong inkling that he will be very threatening and abusive once you leave him and you need to try to prepare yourself for that.
You need to get advice before you leave him about benefits etc. Things will be more clearer then and you will have a rare feeling of empowerment. You have not said anything about him being violent thankfully but you can expect the mind games to begin once you find the strength to leave. That's why you need to do your research beforehand so that there is no risk of you not succeeding and having to return back home to him. Knowledge is power so get advice and start preparing for a life without him. Good luck.
Thank you all for your advice.
No there is no issue with violence, it's all been mind games with him.
The thing I find so hard to deal with his how manipulative and two faced he is, the outside world seem to fall for his act. He blames me for everything, the way he behaves is always because of something I've done in his mind. He tries to provoke me into arguing with him and I know he records me. Although I know he does this he knows exactly what to say to get to me, so it is difficult not to react. I'm not sure what he's attempting to achieve with all these underhand tactics.
The house is in joint names (mortgaged- everything was 50:50 at purchase). There will be some equity in it once sold. Would this prevent me from getting benefits as I would be above the capital threshold, despite the fact it's tied up in a house and I'd have no income?
Yes, I need to research the facts and know my position before I leave. I feel if I don't I'll be too exposed to get drawn into his behaviour again.
Thanks again everyone.
Hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to claim benefits when I'm not entitled. My plan would be to get a job but I'm just concerned about my short term finances. I'd have very little income, partner isn't going to be forthcoming with maintence and I fully expect to have to battle him for that.
If you leave and have no other way to financially support yourself or your children, you are absolutely justified in claiming benefits. Don't worry about that. Housing benefit won't pay for a mortgage though (which is very wrong in my opinion when you are struggling with two kids trying to get your life on track, but that is a different story)
I think at this moment you need to keep quiet towards him. He is obviously a narcisisstic piece of work and not someone who you can reason with. If you tell him what you are thinking he will flip it around and use it against you and weaken your strength. So just appear to Him to be getting on with stuff. And avoid fights.
Meanwhile, in the short term, try to identify some positive coping mechanisms for yourself I.e. Meditation or even just a nice cup of tea and feet up whilst kids are watching TV. Do sthg like that for yourself every day.
Then, talk to your friends and family, in confidence, and allow their positive words to buoy you up. But don't talk to anyone who will bring you down. You could always contact Woman's Aid too, or a local women's refuge for some good quality advice relating to work, benefits, court issues, etc.
You are at the darkest hour at the moment my dear, and from here there may still be darkness, but if you can get out of there, there is a bright free spirited future.
Finally, you do not need a man. This is something that is drummed into our heads from childhood with all these princess stories. But it is bullsh*t.
You need to talk to a lawyer and then get out of that nightmare of a relationship. Don't wait. You have your whole life ahead of you.
He is just saying he would go for 50/50 to scare you and keep you in your place.
There is no way he would actually do this - it's a classic manipulation tactic.
Your life will be so much happier away from him - good luck
You can get away from him, I promise.
From the outside it's easy to see how silly those threats are. Of course he isn't going to get a GP to say that you're crazy so that he can have your son, but it's so hard to see that when you're in the middle of the situation.
He uses all those threats and tactics to keep you where he wants to. But you don't have to go along with it any more. Just take it one step at a time. The next time he's away for a weekend clear out the joint account, gather all the paperwork and go. Everything else can be worked out later.
He sounds like my narcissistic ex. All the classics are there. It's about controlling you.
He won't do half the things he is threatening to do but it might escalate into more physical if you talk about leaving. So don't say anything. Just go x
When he starts trying to goad you into an argument, say you need to get some paracetamol, as you have a headache and go and lie down.
If he's recording it then that will be on there. Or alternatively, say you have a bad tummy and go to the bathroom. .or that you feel congested and need fresh air. Anything to get away from him is better than arguing and rising to the bait.
As I said, this is not a man to argue with. You need to have him believe he's better off without you. In reality, it's the other way round.
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