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who did you chose, the long term DP/H that you were comfortable together but the spark had died or the new P that gave you excitement but you had no idea how the future will turn

(33 Posts)
itsjusti Fri 24-Mar-17 21:48:46

On one side you have your long term P/H . Y ou spent 10+ years together, you are comfortable , maybe even have fun together but the spark had died. He loves you but he forgets to show it, you never go out anymore, the sex is a chore, he return form work and spends all night on tv etc etc.But you know that you have a best friend/good man to grow old together. On the other hand, is a new flame, exciting, makes you feel alive again. You know how it is is a new relationship , it all starts great. But you have no idea how the future will be. People who found themselves in that situation , who did you chose and do you regret it?

SillySongsWithLarry Fri 24-Mar-17 21:51:12

I wouldn't be in a position where I had to choose. I made my choice on my wedding day and choose my DH every day after.

exWifebeginsat40 Fri 24-Mar-17 21:51:53

well, that's quite the question. how many chapters do the publishers want?

Ironwoman123 Fri 24-Mar-17 21:52:54

Honestly the honeymoon period won't last no matter who it is with. Stick with your OH if there are no issues.

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Mar-17 21:53:17

grin exwife.

mycatisginger Fri 24-Mar-17 21:54:29

I went for the new flame. Best decision ever.

FourToTheFloor Fri 24-Mar-17 21:58:33

I chose the spark. But I wasn't in a relationship, I'd ended it with the 'best friend' and decided being single was better than being in a relationship without that.

I knew the night I met dh I'd marry him. We've been together nearly 12 years and married 9. I quit my job and followed him after being together 3 months. He was a little surprised when I turned up on his travels smile

Lotalota Fri 24-Mar-17 23:47:24

New flame. But we weren't married, had no
kids and I was under 30.

160A4 Sat 25-Mar-17 00:14:53

grin exwife.
The OP could also have a word with Pauline wink

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sat 25-Mar-17 03:18:19

Yes 160A4 but then I'm sure "her" advice would be to stay home with the boring sewn up one because you're too spineless it's what Paul the Apostle would want, then pop to the local massage parlour for a monthly topless hand shandy.

You could even write a review about it in your spare time, on a grubby website with like minded grubby friends who convince each other that their lives are meaningful...

How ? Does ? That ! Sound ?

Emmageddon Sat 25-Mar-17 03:31:23

The one that makes you feel alive. You're a long time dead after all.

TheNaze73 Sat 25-Mar-17 07:31:16

It ain't a dress rehearsal. Go for the one that makes you feel alive. Don't cheat on your DP though

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sat 25-Mar-17 07:41:55

Don't leave a marriage for someone else, leave it for you.
grin at Ex

MangoSplit Sat 25-Mar-17 07:45:29

No kids? Go for the new flame!

Kids? Stick with the existing relationship (given that it's not abusive)

AromatAddict Sat 25-Mar-17 07:47:42

Spark but make sure you are not complicit in the spark being lost, either with the existing DH?DP or with the new one when that time comes and it will.

HappyJanuary Sat 25-Mar-17 08:02:12

Spark. Until it inevitably dies, then chase the next spark. Keep going until you're too old to be arsed anymore. See who you're left with when the music stops, and appraise whether it's better or worse than if you'd just stuck with the original.

AutumnRose1988 Sat 25-Mar-17 08:18:25

I wouldn't be in a position where I had to choose. I made my choice on my wedding day and choose my DH every day after.

So you stopped being human on your wedding day and popped a halo on your head? God what an unhelpful and self righteous response. Yes the ideal is that you never have feelings of doubt but don't be an arse to people that do!

ironwoman made a good point about the spark not lasting with anyone and if there are no issues with hubby perhaps stay with him. There's 2 ways to look at your situation are you:
A) spark chasing and you could end up wishing you never dumped OH for a fling that didn't last or...
B) the new guy could be the true love of your life and even when the spark has dimmed it will still be a more fulfilling relationship than your current one.

I would have a really good think and perhaps speak to OH and explain how you feel as though the magic is slipping away and see whether his reaction sparks anything in you because it could wake you up from your lovesick haze or you might realise that you definitely want to progress with the split x

Are you in a position with OM where you discuss future and being together?

Cricrichan Sat 25-Mar-17 08:50:45

Have you got kids?

I would put some effort back in the marriage. Discuss with oh about how you're feeling and see what your oh says. Start doing fun things together, start going out, go on holiday just you two etc. If that didn't work then consider whether you're happy with this for the rest of your life. Then maybe have a trial separation.

I gave up this type of relationship and since then I've had plenty of passion but also plenty of drama and lost a great friendship! Not sure i made the right decision.

HeteronormativeHaybales Sat 25-Mar-17 09:05:51


'Spark. Until it inevitably dies, then chase the next spark. Keep going until you're too old to be arsed anymore. See who you're left with when the music stops, and appraise whether it's better or worse than if you'd just stuck with the original.'

I do believe there are marriages that genuinely die, without there being abuse, just a real estrangement. But this 'spark' stuff is a load of guff, really. The point of sparks is that they go out quickly. But with a solid, established, and (important, this bit) well-tended fire, new 'sparks' can be generated over time. There will always be periods where the fire dwindles and burns lower, but in a good and well-cared-for marriage you will refind each other again and perhaps -'feel alive' in different ways than the bowling-over passion we for some reason have come to feel permanently entitled to.

<waits to be reported to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Metaphors>

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sat 25-Mar-17 10:38:26

Please report and don't feed the trolls.

Belle1102 Sat 25-Mar-17 10:51:46

If you love 2 people at once then always go for the 2nd one, because if you really loved the 1st one then you'd never have looked elsewhere.
Being with someone where there's zero chemistry, boring sex and no excitement doesn't sound like the way to spend the rest of your life.
But equally don't be reckless and jump into something with someone else purely because you fancy the pants off them. Can you sit the 2nd guy down and have a frank discussion with him about whether he potentially sees a long term relationship developing between you both?

Dadaist Sat 25-Mar-17 12:57:55

An established comfortable relationship, however good, can never compete with the excitement of a new flling. For one thing, half of the excitement is the unknown - the intrepid exploration where you may not be loved back, where the other person is totally free to take you or leave you. You try to shine as bright as you can. There is nothing to forgive, nothing to regret, nothing to compromise, no old arguments to store. But I think many who wish to be kept in this suspended state - always on edge, excited and fearful, and sparks and butterflies - more commonly find themselves in an abusive relationship.
With a little more wisdom and experience people know that a committed relationship is based on equality honesty acceptance and understanding. It won't always feel like a it was on that breathless dreamy second date. But the spark that lit then for each other still flashes every now and then - and you remember what the spark was telling you - that you'd found the right one.

HarryPottersMagicWand Sat 25-Mar-17 23:07:31

How on earth does this look like a troll?

itsjusti Sat 25-Mar-17 23:20:15

Thank you all for the replies. I have tried and tried to talk to my DP, he just says that everything is fine and there is nothing to fix. We havent been out for a meal in years, he doesnt spend much time with me, all he cares after he returns from work is to watch tv and go to sleep. He is a good man and i know that he loves me but he end up more like a good friend. On the other hand is this new guy, that everything seem so exciting with him. I haven't cheated and i know that the spark doesnt last long but its been so many years i feel like dead inside. Wake up, go to work, feel lonely all day, do what i have to do, clean, cook etc etc and repeat the other day. I just miss the feeling that i am loved and wanted and the excitement that the new guy can give me. I can see some of the replies they judging , well i hope you have a perfect life forever and let us mere mortals with our issues flowers

Ineedmorelemonpledge Sat 25-Mar-17 23:23:51

It's the writing style of some poster who has come over from a website that discusses the use of prostitution.

They were alerted to MN because a woman found her husband using the site. They were very angry about posters giving away hints about how to search for users of prostitution. And also you know, for genuinely wanting their partners to stay faithful.

Now they are setting up goady posts to try and prove women are hypocrites.

First posts and the same style of writing that one guy is using over there in the "let's all make each other feel good about the fact that we have to hand over cash to get women to shag us" chat forum.

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