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Am I expecting too much?

(26 Posts)
ZoZoLou Fri 24-Mar-17 19:18:02

I need some outside opinions on this as I'm worried I'm not seeing things straight at the minute. Will ty not to drip feed so apologies for the length.

I've been seeing someone for 5 months or so. It's been going really well and we've one the whole Love You thing etc. He has recently started staying over too. Not every week, just here and there.

I have two kids. My DD is 16 and has been difficult on and off the last year or so. These last few weeks have been very tough with her regarding school and behaviour. She is one of those kids that's an angel for everyone else. Her and DP get on really well on the rare times they see each other. She's been very positive about him.

This week has been the worst. She taken herself off to her friends and refused to come home. She has been subtly implying she is unsafe at home with me. To ramp up the 'poor me' thing and get her friends parents on side. She hasn't outright said I hurt her but has refused to explain a bruise when asked...(complete accident that she herself inflicted) All of this came out today and I am heart broken. This type of accusation could affect my other DC and also my job if they lodged anything against me.

I have played this down to everyone. I've been a single parent for a long long time and it's a point of pride that I am strong and cope alone. So DP is aware she was being a bit difficult but not the full extent.

Today, after I explained about the injury, he has said we should put things on hold so I can deal with fixing my family and that I can text him still at least.

I feel gutted. Like I am losing this one tiny bit of support. The one person I really need to be behind me doesn't want to see me.

I know there's nothing he can actually do but I needed him to show he loved me enough to stand by me. I would never ask him to get involved in anything with the kids either.

Does he have a point? Is it too much to expect him to support me through this? I feel like it's all a bit too much for him so he'll wait around until the garden is rosey again. Until then, I'm on my own. Again.

ChuckDaffodils Fri 24-Mar-17 19:28:58

I think he is being very sensible.

TatianaLarina Fri 24-Mar-17 19:31:11

Maybe he thinks he's part of the problem, that your DD says she's fine with him but perhaps he's not?

Mutella Fri 24-Mar-17 19:33:25

Does he have children? can he possibly understand this? Maybe it's too overwhelming. I'd want the support though.

TheNaze73 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:33:45

Kids must come first & I think he's been good in identifying that, some people are oblivious.
Concentrate on your DD for the time being

Dozer Fri 24-Mar-17 19:36:00

He is / was a bf, not a partner.

Perhaps he (understandably given DD's actions) fears being personally accused of something? If he continues to visit your home.

It does seem, though, that rather than support you and perhaps see each other outside your home, and him not spending time with DD, he just wants to end the relationship, so can't really be as into you as he said.

The issues with your DD sound quite serious.

ZoZoLou Fri 24-Mar-17 19:40:13

I know they must come first. In 16 years this is only the second time I've seen anyone. They have, and always will come first.

It probably is overwhelming for him. He has a younger child so hasn't had the delight of the teenage years.

I wasn't going to ask him to be here all the time. He usually comes when she is out at an activity so would see her for a short time in the evening only. I don't see the harm in that. Or in meeting for a coffee or outside of the house.

But he seems to be saying nothing until it's sorted. What if it's never sorted? She's going to find the move to college tough so there'll be acting out then I'm sure.

Are we supposed to be off and on around her?

I'm don't know what to say or do. I need help and there is no one here to do that and now even my own partner wants to step back and leave me to it.

HerOtherHalf Fri 24-Mar-17 19:41:04

Maybe he's worried that if your dd is prepared to make up tales about you hurting her she might do the same to him. Sorry you're going through this but your priority is your dd and the boyfriend does not have a strong enough relationship with either of you to help with that.

Bluntness100 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:47:04

Five months is a relatively new relationship and to find yourself involved in one where the other party is basically being accused of child abuse and that child is refusing to live with that person, then yes I can see why he would back off and let you get this sorted.

Whatever is going on with your daughter, she is very very troubled and she needs a lot of support. And she needs that support from you.

Right now she should be your focus. Not him. He's not asking you to make the relationship perfect, but he is saying this is serious with your daughter and this issue you need to focus on and resolve and he's right,

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 24-Mar-17 19:49:18

He's saying you can still text - so he can offer you support that way, surely?

I'd think he wants to stay out of the way if accusations are going to be flung about wildly. It could affect his relationship with his own child if your DD makes accusations against him, or if he gets 'tarred with the same brush' in people's eyes when she's making accusations against you.

It's quite sensible of him to stay away, if you think about it. Both helping himself and helping your DD, by giving her less ammunition., as it sounds as though she might be a bit of an attention-seeker, and who knows where that can go...

Dozer Fri 24-Mar-17 19:49:30

Seems understandable that he is now reluctant to stay overnight: did you ever stay at his?

He's not your partner: if he had been, you'd be talking it through together.

You were dating, and he seems to have decided he doesn't like / love you enough to help you deal with difficulties in your life, or issues that come with seriously dating someone with DC.

It's sad but better to know this now rather than, say, 3 years' time.

Goforit2017 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:52:20

He's backing off as he doesn't want to get involved and isn't prepared to support you.

Have you been involving him in all this? Does he really need to know the details of the bruise and the accusation? I can see how it would put him off especially if he hasn't been through the teen years with his dc yet.

I would say you could have a relationship if you keep him separate from your home life but that may not be possible especially if you feel close enough to him to expect him to listen to your woes.

Btw I am not judging you on the way you have dealt with this as I have dc with difficulties and found it impossible to hold down a relationship as when it came down to it, nobody really understood and I can't blame them for that.

user1490354479 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:57:23

Why don't you ask your bf the reason why he withdrew? We can give you advice but only he can tell you the truth. Whatever questions you are asking here, you can ask him.
On the other hand you can't expect too much from him as you've only known each other for 5 months, you don't live together, and he only stays over here and there.

ZoZoLou Fri 24-Mar-17 20:04:15

I see everyone's point about protecting himself. I'd hate for him to be accused of something.

I guess I'm just scared. I don't know how to fix things with her and for the first time in 10 years I felt like I had someone who genuinely had my back.

I've given the kids everything. I don't know what else to give her. I'll end the relationship if that's what's best for her of course I will.

picklemepopcorn Fri 24-Mar-17 20:20:51

I don't think that is what he is asking you to do. But by giving you space to focus on her, and removing himself he is making it all much simpler.

picklemepopcorn Fri 24-Mar-17 20:21:49

Talk to DD and school, find out what is going on for her.

Bluntness100 Fri 24-Mar-17 20:27:16

I don't think he is asking you to end it either and I don't think that's your daughters issue from what you have posted, the issue seems to be you and your daughter op. Something is troubling her greatly and she needs help. Kids don't make these accusations and refuse to go home for no reason, even though it may be untrue, something is causing her to behave like this.

It's not simply normal "teenage years" as you allude to earlier. Something is hurting your child and causing her to sct out.

ZoZoLou Fri 24-Mar-17 20:34:06

We have talked and talked. We've changed so much to make things better for her.

She wouldn't get up in the morning so they gave her a later starting time. She stuck with that for a few weeks and is getting later and later. She hated her classes so they moved her in with friends and a TA to support her (dyslexic and not near her friends sets in terms of targets) She went to a couple then stopped bothering. She has had so many adjustments. The last one being that she has a full day in a cafe as work experience. All she has to do is turn up to school every day. Now she's stopped doing that she's kicking off big time because the have removed the cafe day. She hasn't earned it or even tried to do what we all agreed were conditions of her keeping it.

This is because I backed the teacher and refused to tell them I was going to allow the cafe day over their wishes. And also because I asked her to pick up her laundry from the hallway. That sent her into a spin and off refusing to come home.

Fair enough, she's an angry teenager. But to act like I hurt her to get sympathy? What am I supposed to do about that?

I'm so tired.

He was the first person to see me as something other then Mum or colleague and now I see I can't have that right now.

He is right I know but I feel broken by the whole situation. I don't know how I can do this alone. I wasn't asking for him to do anything practical. But we were so close and I supported him through some big stuff so I really thought we were there in our relationship. Now I feel stupid.

NeonGod73 Fri 24-Mar-17 20:35:35

Neither of them is asking you to break up with him. I don't understand why you and him can't continue to see each other in the meantime. He doesn't have to be involved of course, just keep seeing each other.
I am sorry to say this but your daughter doesn't just sound like a typical teenager, but like a spoilt, awful, ungrateful brat. I know plenty of teenagers who are very well behaved and would never dream of behaving in such an unpleasant manner with their mom. Don't be apologetic to her about your relationship,. You don't have to give your bf up just so she can feel good about herself, then move on as if nothing happened. You are raising a brat. Don't let her manipulate you.

ZoZoLou Fri 24-Mar-17 20:39:42

She hates school. Well, the actual class bit. She has low self esteem as she struggles with the work. We have put everything in place to support her. But she just refuses to engage with it.

The teachers are all of the mindset that we have pandered a bit too long and she has never been pushed to actually just try.

She feels that there should never be any consequences to her actions.

She is well liked and very loved but I just don't know what else to do.

Bluntness100 Fri 24-Mar-17 20:41:31

He was the first person to see me as something other then Mum or colleague and now I see I can't have that right now.

I think you're maybe playing the martyr a bit here now, possibly for good reason, because all that anyone has said, inc him is he is just giving you space to resolve this. Even your daughter hasn't asked you to end it

However she is not s typical teen and she needs deeper support end something is not right. You say she is an angry teenager, what is she angry about?

JustHereForThePooStories Fri 24-Mar-17 20:42:05

Why are you calling this man your DP? You've been together for approximately 22 weeks. That's not a partnership.

NeonGod73 Fri 24-Mar-17 21:03:02

She feels there should never be any consequences to her actions because there never were consequences before. Probably you never disciplined her before. Too late to start now. I have a feeling your bf might dislike her and just wants to keep away from all of this. Truth is, just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you' ll love their kids too. Maybe he just won't admit to this out of respect.

ZoZoLou Fri 24-Mar-17 22:02:18

just I don't know what the etiquette for naming DP/BF/OH/SO is. Surely it's just a terminology thing and not something to focus on here?

He's someone I love. We were slowly building a life together and had every intention of it being long term and serious. He'd never have met the kids if that wasn't the case.

Neon she was disciplined. But other the last year or so she stopped caring if she was grounded or had privileges removed.

category12 Sat 25-Mar-17 09:47:06

I think it's pretty crap of him in some ways, understandable in others - maybe he is running scared of what your dd might claim next.

He's not ended things, just backed off hugely. It's up to you whether you feel so let down that you break it off completely. I wouldn't blame you if you did. I would want more from him, especially if you have supported him through things.

I don't know what to say about the situation with your dd. Keep keeping on.

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