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handling abandonment/rejection?

(10 Posts)
RentANDBills Fri 24-Mar-17 15:54:19

I've posted for practical financial advice regarding this on AIBU, in case this is sounding familiar, at the moment I'm really struggling emotionally and looking for any advice or glimmer of hope.

DP and I got together early last year and moved to London. He was unemployed for 7 months and we lived entirely off my salary. He had told me how he suffered from depression and I supported him best I could emotionally whilst working a 50 hour job and trying to grow a small business, so we could be more stable financially.
Lack of motivation on his part meant that he didn't get a job until Feb (7.5 months after we'd moved and he'd supposedly started looking) and just 2 weeks after that, I was made redundant.

Just a few hours after I was made redundant, he sent me a series of messages hinting that he was unhappy in the relationship and wanted to end it. After work he confirmed as much, spending two hours listing all of my flaws (mainly that I was selfish for not helping him make friends in London or supporting him emotionally) concluding that I am "fundamentally self centred". He couldn't remember any of the good things I had done for him (buying him new clothes, making him special surprises etc) and had told himself he'd been unhappy for a while.

My theory is that his depression (and our difficult circumstances with money/him being unemployed) was making him miserable and he found it easier to blame our relationship and cut that off - he had forgotten all of his attentive behaviour to me (which was right up until the day of the break up) and had made up this dire situation of us being distant - which genuinely wasn't true. He then tells his friends and family that he's miserable and he thinks its because of this, so of course they naturally agree which further supports his theory.

He doesn't tell me any of this until its too late, and is not receptive to me trying to fix things - instead is adament he wants to cut and run.

For me, this has come out of absolutely nowhere. It takes A LOT for me to trust someone, and I was exceptionally secure in our relationship - which is highly unusual for me.
It's been a few weeks now and I still feel in shock, as if it isn't real. We had no problems in our relationship (well, clearly we did! But there were honestly no signs) and he loved me and I loved him.

I'm extremely confused about how I feel and can't shake the anxiety that I'm not going to be able to recover from this - that I'm going to spend years and years feeling this miserable.
Logically I shouldn't be so unhappy - as he's clearly a coward, and probably a bit of a user too, but it's almost like he's been body swapped with someone else - it was so out of the blue.

Anyway, sorry for the big ramble, I'm just desperate to hear some ray of hope that it does get better - that I am worth more than my pay packet and that people can be trusted.

Usually I'm such a good judge of people, that I can't see how I can be secure with someone as I did not see this coming at all.

RentANDBills Fri 24-Mar-17 15:54:29

God, that was long. Sorry.

ocelot7 Fri 24-Mar-17 16:00:50

Do you not think it strange he suddenly voices this hours after you are made redundant?
And when you could have done with an ounce of the support you had been giving him all those unemployed months...?
He is nasty! You genuinely deserve much better. Be thankful it didn't go on longer with children...

RentANDBills Fri 24-Mar-17 16:07:48

ocelot7 Thank you for your reply. Yes, and that's what everyone's saying in RL too - I can't work out if I have a "better" understanding of him or if I'm just too close to the situation and not viewing it properly as I don't feel like he deliberately took advantage of me. I know that he doesn't think he did either, and from what his family says - I'm the user who deliberately kept him isolated at home and ignored him in favour for work.

ocelot7 Fri 24-Mar-17 16:20:33

To admit that he took advantage of you until you could no longer keep him would be a challenge to his/his family's view of him/self as a nice person - so he/they resist that. Clearly in this period of his life he was not being fair to you at the very least. The timing is just too suspect! And from what you say, his family is not helping by indulging him.

RentANDBills Fri 24-Mar-17 16:27:30

It does look highly suspect, I wish I could "feel" that as well as know it, as that would make things a bit easier I think.
At the moment I'm still fighting the guilt as he was really very convincing when he was telling me how selfish I was

ocelot7 Fri 24-Mar-17 16:46:47

So you need to rerun that conversation in your head - people can SOUND convincing when they are talking rubbish! And remember the back story you've given in yr OP. Did you both move to London because you got a job? And you thought he would get one very soon...while he discovered he liked the easy life living off you so didn't make much effort to get a job.
You really need to rethink your expectations from relationships & why you seem to give all the care for little return...

Delphi2022 Fri 24-Mar-17 16:53:25

I'm sorry you are going through this but I think you've had a lucky escape! It looks like he used you to get himself to London rent free and now you need his support, he has gone. This deplorable behaviour and I would be ashamed if my family member behaved in this way. Just focus on building yourself up and learn from this experience

RentANDBills Fri 24-Mar-17 17:13:54

Did you both move to London because you got a job? yes, and he swore blind he would find a job asap, but never really applied for anything and got very defensive whenever I bought it up.

It all sounds very obvious stating the bare facts now but its not quite that straight forward.

ocelot7 Tue 28-Mar-17 10:20:56

I assume you are living together which obv adds complications...

Reading your OP again, I think you need to focus on looking for another job (do you have funds to tide you over for a few weeks?) & shift it from theorising him. I do understand as I have done that at the end of a relationship - from a distance I can see it is part of the process but has no intrinsic value for you. I guess you also don't want to admit to yourself that if RL friends and some on here are correct, he played you & you might feel an idiot for that. We live & learn! And it will have made you wiser for the next time smile

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