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I'm a quivering mess, please help

(11 Posts)
toomanydaisychains Fri 24-Mar-17 13:50:57


Until last night I had a less than ideal marriage, but one I was prepared to settle for. Now I am scared, weepy, muddled up, and don't know what to do.

The background is very complicated. I am British but have lived abroad since I married DH. We are currently in a third country but spent most time in DH's home country.

DH has expressed controlling tendencies before, but it has always been well within bounds of what is considered a husband's right in his home country. He is quite jealous and likes to know everything. When we first got together he made a couple of empty threats but has since mellowed greatly and things have been pretty good.

Last night when he came home from work, he found me shouting at DD. I was wrong, I shouldn't have shouted at her and I don't have an excuse. I then noticed that DS was eating her pencil and said 'Jesus Christ' under my breath. He went absolutely crazy. The look in his eye was enough to believe that in that moment of anger he could easily have killed someone. He bellowed 'What did you say?' and some other stuff I don't remember in the loudest voice I have ever heard and kicked a large stool across the room. He then came to stand right over me. I cowered in the corner and couldn't help shaking. DD has so far shown no signs of being worried although she must have been, except for asking once why I was shaking. DS who is younger ran to be hugged by DH and when I finally was able to move and sit on the sofa he came to me and threw himself into my arms. It was about half an hour before he was able to speak.

Last night I was determined to leave but I am losing my resolve. The main factor is that I would have to leave third country in secret and return to UK as I have no money and no job. DF is coming to visit this weekend and I could go home with him but 1. It would be child abduction and breaking the law. 2. The kids love DH and if I left could never see him or his lovely extended family again, since his home country is Egypt and I am sure that if he was able to access them he would abduct them and I would never see them again.

I don't feel that I am overreacting in being terrified of him but I don't think that DCs would ever forgive me and I am not sure I would forgive myself. DH has UK visa and knows all family addresses so would also worry about him showing up.

Last night he first played the martyr, insisting that I serve his food myself and then being 'too upset to eat'. He later apologised but in a minimising way, saying that all he asks for is a smile when he comes home from work and a tidy house. I apologised to keep the peace and make sure he thought everything is ok.

He apologised again this morning and then called at lunchtime saying that he wants us to have a nice evening tonight which makes me think that he knows he fucked up and so maybe isn't as convinced as I think that I am ok with him.

toomanydaisychains Fri 24-Mar-17 14:01:30

I am supposed to go and pick up DCs from school but I can't force myself to get out of bed.

strawberryblondebint Fri 24-Mar-17 14:03:07

Oh god. No advice but handholding till someone shows up. I would be leaving as soon as possible.

togetherlikeglue Fri 24-Mar-17 14:09:36

You must feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. How long do you have to leave for the DCs? Do you think you could sit up or roll out of bed, keep breathing nice and slowly and do a few stretches? One step at a time. Hopefully you'll feel steady enough to go for the children. Or is there someone who collect them for you?

Other people will have advice about the bigger situation. Hand hold flowers

QuiteLikely5 Fri 24-Mar-17 14:11:14

Your son didn't speak because he was traumatised by what he witnessed.

I'm sorry to say this but you are seriously misguided if you think it is ok for children to witness domestic abuse. He has you under control in a massive way.

And he's got a bloody nerve telling you not to shout at your own child when he is a beast!

Children who witness domestic abuse develop differently from children who do not. Their brains are not the same and they are likely to have low self esteem/confidence, suffer from anxiety/depression and also more likely to be abusive to their own partners when they grow up

For you - well you will eventually be a shell of a person, you will likely develop anxiety etc and this man will likely treat you much worse than he did a few days ago.

You are worth more, you are better than him, he is dysfunctional and if you stay he will spread that dysfunction to all of you.

toomanydaisychains Fri 24-Mar-17 14:13:00

Thank you both. I am out of bed and about to get in to shower. Need to leave for DCs in 20 mins but also need to nip to supermarket and chemist first. Not going to happen.

Don't mean to drip feed but my mind is such a mess I can't help it. We just moved here a couple of months ago and my heart breaks at thought of DCs having to start all over again in a new language after settling in so well.

Gallavich Fri 24-Mar-17 14:15:26

So they don't have established habitual residence there if you only just moved? Is the country you are in a member of The Hague convention?

toomanydaisychains Fri 24-Mar-17 14:21:36

We have been here just under three months, it is an EU country so presume it is party to Hague convention. DCs are in school here however so does that count as evidence of habitual residence?

togetherlikeglue Fri 24-Mar-17 14:25:34

You're up, well done. Shower sounds perfect. You'll stay strong for your children. X

toomanydaisychains Fri 24-Mar-17 14:28:40

If only there were something to be done for my spectacularly red blotchy face!

category12 Fri 24-Mar-17 15:17:58

I would, on the quiet, find out exactly what the legal position is.

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