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Husband using prostitutes

(215 Posts)
shockedandshaken Fri 24-Mar-17 12:56:43

Hello - I've name-changed for this for obvious reasons. This morning I found out that my husband has been using prostitutes. I've found evidence through an online account going back several years. I suspect now that this is something that he's always done. I'm shocked and feel sick - I can't even feel angry yet. I can't believe I'm writing this thread. I've read so many on here and felt desperately sorry for the posters, and now it's my turn. He won't be back from work until this evening. I'm not sure what to do. I've got a school event to get through this afternoon. I've taken as much evidence as I can find and have emailed it to myself and copied it to a couple of devices so that he can't deny anything. I'll take my DD to my Mum's before he's back. I've told a friend IRL. Trying to think of how I want the conversation to go with him but it feels so surreal. Any advice?

Gingerbreadlass Fri 24-Mar-17 13:00:00

You poor thing, no advice from me really apart from: make yourself a cup of tea and eat something sweet, you will be in absolute shock. Is there anyone who could accompany you to the school event?

If I were you, I would organise my passport and most important documents into a handy overnight bag and deposit that with someone in a safe place should it get to an argument and you need to get out quickly.

Also, pack some spare clothes for your DD and favourite toys xx

ButtfaceMiscreant Fri 24-Mar-17 13:00:55

I am so sorry. The only advice I would give is to also take copies of any financial documents etc as you may need them if you file for divorce. Have everything lined up, and a bag of his packed as at the very least you will need some space.

Also tell whoever you need to; he will want you to keep his dirty little secret but get the support you need and tell people. You have nothing to be ashamed of, it does not reflect badly on you at all.

BertsBlanket Fri 24-Mar-17 13:01:41

No advice, I wouldn't know where to start. But flowers, poor you. What a thing to stumble across. Well done for keeping a sensible head and sorting what you have so far. Will you ask him to leave?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:03:49

Please get yourself checked out as a matter of urgency too. .
flowers

FrenchLavender Fri 24-Mar-17 13:04:22

You don't have to do the school event. Just tell them that you are having a very serious family emergency/crisis that needs urgent attention and you cannot go.

Take your DD to your mum's, turn off your phone and say nothing for now. Leave him to sweat it out for a bit. You could leave him a note saying that at the moment you have no wish to speak to him or be contacted by him and you will be in touch when you are ready to talk. You don't need to be specific about why - unless he's spectacularly stupid he'll work it out.

How old is your DD? Is she old enough to realise something serious has happened if you take her to your mum's for a few days at short notice?

ChinUpChestOut Fri 24-Mar-17 13:07:16

Didn't want to read and run. What an utterly awful shock for you. I'm sorry to be the one to say this - but you're going to have to get yourself an appointment for an STD test. Sorry. You're exposed to everyone he's had sex with.

I second the tea and something sweet - you're going to need to keep focussed to plan how you want this afternoon's little chat to go.

If you can find and copy important financial documents showing you where your marital assets are, I would do this. It will be very hard for your marriage to recover from his long term use of prostitutes, so if you end up going down the divorce route you should be very aware of where everything is so it can't be hidden.

Trethew Fri 24-Mar-17 13:09:43

Are you absolutely sure that he's having sex with them? Could it be that he's paying for that webcam porn, or something else. Not that that's much better, but if he's screwing them you need to get yourself checked out for STD's.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 24-Mar-17 13:14:36

You've already got copies of all the evidence you so that's a good start.
Get your important documents.
Passports, marriage cert, birth certs.
Get as much financial info as you can.
Copies of bank statements, savings accounts, all assets.
Mortgage info, pensions info.
I agree don't tell him what you know just yet.
A note saying you need space and cannot even look at him right now.
And go to your mums.
You will be in total shock, so as advised above, sugary tea or something sweet.
flowers for you.
Give yourself some time.
Get RL support around you asap!

shockedandshaken Fri 24-Mar-17 13:19:49

Thanks, yes, GP appointment is at the top of my hideous to-do list. DD's bag is packed but good point, I should do mine too - I'm really hoping he'll have the decency to be the one to leave the house but best to be prepared.

Yes, he's definitely slept with them. There are webcam bookings too but mostly it's "escort" visits. Times, dates, prices... ugh! The evidence is overwhelming.

DD will be fine I think, she's only four so she'll love a few days at my Mum's. I just don't want her to see me upset - that's the bit I'll struggle with. And she's so excited about this afternoon and me being there, I don't want to let her down.

Cup of tea sounds good - just realised I haven't eaten all day...

PollytheDolly Fri 24-Mar-17 13:21:26

I don't know what to say sad

Please look after yourself and hand hold here flowersflowersflowersflowers

shockedandshaken Fri 24-Mar-17 13:23:06

And there's no way in the world our marriage can survive this. It feels like our whole life together has been a complete lie - I don't know him at all.

Right - I'm making that tea...

floraeasy Fri 24-Mar-17 13:23:06

What a piece of shit your husband is! angry

OMG, I don't know what to say.

Just that you will get through this and you will be okay - just as other women have come through.

At least comfort yourself with the fact that you are no longer being deceived.

flowers

Adora10 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:23:13

So sorry, take strength from family and friends to get you through this; it must feel horrendous; and yes, least he can do is piss off and leave you in peace now!

As above, ducks in a row; practical stuff now.

scoobydoo1971 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:25:03

What a terrible situation, you must be devastated. Be kind to yourself as you will survive this. However, please see your GP to be checked out for STD screening as many lurgies can be rather symptom-free for a long time. You could ask for counselling too as it may help you to come to terms with events. Good luck with your future.

Racmactac Fri 24-Mar-17 13:26:06

Whilst you have some time I would also put together any financial information that you have and keep safe somewhere

Are there vast amounts of money in joint accounts? He could just remove.

Have you looked at the dates and worked out where he had pretended to be?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 24-Mar-17 13:28:49

Do you have a GUM or SHAW clinic in your area?
You can go to a walk in session and get checked out immediately.
That's what I had to do and they can tell most things straight away and you get test results back in a week.
GP surgeries aren't always the best places for STD checks.

You'll find you can't eat much.
Which is why sugary tea is good.
I lived on that and ice-lollies for a good while.

The adrenalin will keep you going for a while so don't worry too much if you can't eat. But you must be hydrated!
You'll need your strength then 'the crash' hits you.

Cry when you can away from your DD and try to hold it together in front of her.
You might not be able to but don't feel guilty about that!
Love and support is what you need right now.

It sounds awful - so sorry!

WatchingFromTheWings Fri 24-Mar-17 13:29:11

I'd print all the evidence out and present it to him then let him do the talking. I'd have a bag packed ready for him too.

In the meantime gather together all the paperwork you can and stash it somewhere safe, probably at your mothers when you drop DD off. Good luck for later. flowers

flumpybear Fri 24-Mar-17 13:36:23

Hug OP

BUT I'd be investing time into getting a locksmith in to change all the locks - I wouldn't leave - not a chance in hell!!!

shockedandshaken Fri 24-Mar-17 13:36:28

Thanks everyone - lots of good stuff here.

So much to do and my brain isn't really functioning.

We do have a joint account - I'll check that. Other than that it's just the house really, well, the mortgage. I don't know how all that will work out, he earns much more than I do. For now I just need to get him away for a bit so I have time and space to think.

ChinUpChestOut Fri 24-Mar-17 13:38:08

shocked it's more than just the house and the mortgage. If he earns a lot more than you, and you do decide to end your marriage, his pension will also be taken into account. If you look for financial documents then include that in the list as well.

shockedandshaken Fri 24-Mar-17 13:39:01

Dates and times - there are so many - I couldn't even begin to think what he'd said. It's mostly lunchtimes and straight after work. Fairly classic stuff I suppose...

shockedandshaken Fri 24-Mar-17 13:46:01

Thanks ChinUp - didn't think of that.

Adora10 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:58:15

What a vile human being, hate to say it OP but first thing is to get a STD check.

Ellisandra Fri 24-Mar-17 14:01:21

You know that you don't have to say anything tonight?

If you can't be around him, and you want thinking time, you can tell him that your mum is unwell and has asked you to stay through the weekend.

It's OK to buy yourself time, if you need it.

Getting financial info as a priority does depend a bit on your situation. My XH also used prostitutes - I knew all about both of our finances and knew that he couldn't hide things. For example, he was salaried so there were no self employed earnings to doctor! So yes, take copies - but don't panic!

It's fine to text him a copy of your evidence and say "do not fucking dare come home until I decide what to do" then ignore him.

It's also fine to keep your powder dry and talk to a solicitor.

My situation was "easier" because I'd had suspicions so the final proof wasn't a shock.

I don't know if this will help, but my daughter was also 4, 4.5 when I told her we were divorcing. I actually think it's a good age if you have to split. Old enough to have secured a relationship with both parents. But young enough that they're generally OK with change, and don't ask questions! I'd have hated to split with a young teen saying "so did one of you cheat?". At 4, separated life is quite quickly 'normal', in my experience.

With regards to what you say to him... what do you actually want to know? Bearing in mind that he'll lie, because that's what he is. Expect the "I cancelled it / didn't show up" bollocks hmm

You don't HAVE to listen to his shit.

Btw - my solicitor said that there is often a window of opportunity whilst they're still feeling their own pathetic version of guilt and woe is me I'll change crap, when you can have more productive discussions about the split.

I found my XH was a bunny in the headlights when I was saying "you will have this access, I will move here, you will pay a share of...".

Good luck. I'm so sorry flowers

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