I'm not in love with him anymore(16 Posts)
I'm hoping writing this down will help me sort through it...or it could just make me feel worse. Let's see!
I'm going to try and keep it short too.
Been with OH for 11 years. We have one DD who is 6. We own our house.
There are a few issues in a relationship ship that looks perfect from the outside.
1. His temper. He can lose it very easily. Never been violent with me but has been overly rough with DD on 2 occasions. Last occasion was a year ago. DD was kicking up a fuss about something and he pushed her over. He also shouts at other drivers on the road, snaps at me with little provocation sometimes ruining events that should be enjoyable my birthday and Christmas tree shopping spring to mind.
2. Emotional affair?? A few years ago just after I'd had traumatic birth of DD he got very friendly with a woman in his office. Lots of flirty behavior to the point where people thought they were a couple/sleeping together. I told him how uncomfortable it made me and he said he wouldn't choose between us if I asked him to (he's since said he phrased it wrong and didn't mean it like that) he continued to meet up with her and I found texts which made me very uncomfortable. Nothing serial more like "have you put those photos up yet. Bet we make a good looking couple" I know nothing physical happened but I believe he wanted it to. Then I had to go into hospital for medical termination and he took my DD and spent the day with this woman. I only found out after. They don't see each other as much now as her and partner have had a baby so she's not on night out and stuff.
3. My anxiety. It's bad at times and he struggles to deal with it. Recently he said if it didn't get better soon he would leave and take my DD. He said I wouldn't get custody (have since checked with my GP who said that was bollocks)
4. I cheated on him with an ex. Just once and I told him straight away. He was gutted but said if I promised I would never do it again he could forgive me. I cut contact with OM and haven't spoken since. That was about 6 weeks ago. OM was primarily a friend and I miss him.
5. Main issue. I just don't find him attractive anymore. He hasn't changed in looks but for the last year I have avoided sex as much as possible. I go to bed a long time before or after him so that he doesn't try it on. I'm running out of excuses when he does. The last time we DTD was the night I told him I had cheated. It felt like he was marking his territory, very intense and I felt a bit violated afterwards (it was consensual though)
I do love him, we are friends and have a laugh. But I just don't feel in love with him anymore.
I feel terrible for feeling like this. He deserves better
I don't want to hurt him and I DONT want to only see my DD 50% of the time. But I don't know if I can carry on like this for much longer.
Any advice appreciated.
You don't love each other anymore. That's reason enough without all the other stuff.
He still loves me though. I wish he didn't because that would make it a lot easier
It doesn't sound to me like he loves you.
Life is hard people are only human and marriage can be very complicated etc
But. He took your child to spend the day with the OW while you were in hospital?!
You felt violated the last time you had sex.
He is cruel to you.
Make the decision to leave but do so at your own pace. It's usually very hard or impossible to just get out. Especially when there are children.
I wonder if there could be a future with the friend you mentioned once you are single?
Option 1: couples counselling.
Option 2: trial/ amicable separation.
Option 3: continuing avoiding bedtime and feeling uncomfortable in your own home, in the car, feeling anxious, unhappy, sad and with a man who doesn't make you happy.
How would I even start the separation? I don't know what I would say.
I don't see how counselling would help. I'm not going to become more attracted to him am I? (Genuine question)
I feel I should stay to give DD comfortable home and stability. She loves her dad
Impossible to say, obviously.
How bad is your anxiety? How well would you cope as a single parent? What would your money situation be?
My anxiety is very bad when I'm in a bad patch but doesn't effect looking after my DD. I still do all the school runs etc
I would cope fine as a single parent. I'm a good mum and I have a very supportive family
Finances would be tight but with tax credits and child support (he earns a lot more than me) I would be fine. Not rich but fine.
I fantasise about just me DD and the dog in a little 2 bed
I say go for that fantasy. He sounds difficult and as tho he has done some worrying and perhaps unforgivable things. Shouting, etc will make you just that bit anxious around him.
I say, if you feel this way, take the plunge. The freedom and the lack of worrying of will we won't we will be the right thing. Find a man you don't feel anxious around x
I agree with posters above that separation is the only viable option.
I find his forgiveness r of your infidelity rather remarkable though and would have my suspicions this was to ease his own guilty conscience.
He wouldn't necessarily have to have daughter 50/50 either. The fact he has been violent towards her would go against him if you did.not agree to this arrangement.
I think he's a major cause of your anxiety. Being away from him and his flare ups will be a relief.
I do wonder how much he loves you, when he took you DD with him to whowas effectively his OW. Total disrespect. The pushing your DD would be reason enough to not be in a relationship with him.
I won't judge your infidelity, because he doesn't sound like a nice man TBH.
Asides from the practically of separating. You can have a conversation where you tell him he deserves to be with someone who is in love with him, but that isn't you and your feelings aren't there. That you've tried and think it's not fair for him.
That way you aren't blaming anyone. Not him or not yourself. He sounds like he'd get nasty if you said you aren't attracted to him.
The message he needs to hear, is that you're feelings for him aren't what should be the case in an intimate relationship for you, so as someone you care for, you'd rather he found happiness with someone else and that you maintain a healthy coparenting relationship.
No blame and no accepting fault.
Sorry, I got as far as him pushing over your DD... I'd leave him, he's a bully.
Sandy thank you. Your post made a lot of sense to me
Attraction is part physical, part emotional. In response to your question about counselling, if you can forgive each other, then yes, you might find him more attractive.
However... you say he's been rough with your DD. There's a lot going on, but do you really want to forgive someone who has hurt your DD? I don't think you do. Your posts scream of a mum who just wants to keep her child safe and be happy together.
Hi chipshopninja, how are you getting on? I just came across your thread and I'm in a similar situation. May be a bit further down the line - we've been in Relate couples therapy since October. Not going anywhere though and am on the verge of separating. Nearly said it last week, but chickened out/wasn't quite emotionally ready.
Earlier in the thread you mentioned fantasising about a different life - this jumped out at me because I have too - for a long time. Fantasised about it just being me and my babies, feeling 'free' and well, being true to myself.
But, I've had to go through the counselling and more thought and discussions with friends/family/support networks (church) because I've wanted to make absolutely sure I'm doing the right thing and that I've tried everything I could to make things better. Although, I think I knew deep down it wouldn't make the difference I need.
One day, sooner rather than later hopefully, I'll be on the other side!
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