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Partner using credit card without asking

(169 Posts)
hade761 Thu 23-Mar-17 13:34:30

I am the sole earner in our household of me, my partner and our 2 kids (1 a baby).

All the bills and costs (house, food, cars, holidays, school fees, etc) come out of my account and I put £700 into my partners account each month for anything like treats, shopping, etc.

I sometimes let my partner use my credit card for things like dentist and on many occasions I have noticed on my statement extra things like visits to a shop afterwards. I have confronted my partner and an apology has been forthcoming for buying something that wasn't meant for me to pay for, but then it just happens again.

This time I found on my statement last night a £300 purchase had been made without my knowledge and a couple of efforts were made to hide this from me. I confronted my partner who said that the money would be paid back to me etc. But I said not good enough, you need to return that stuff right now. My partner got very angry about this and says 'Youre just doing that to get revenge.' And then says 'If I'm such a bad person I won't be going to the Mother's Day lunch anymore' which was meant to be with my mother, my partner knows this will upset me as I want everyone to be there and family is important to me.

Me and my partner have 2 children together so there is no such thing as a 'deal breaker' for me because the kids are too important, I could not be separated from them. I earn a high salary so being totally honest these amounts are insignificant to me, but I get very upset by the lack of honesty.

Do you think I am wrong to pressure my partner to return the items? Does anyone have any advice how to resolve this ongoing issue? I tried to explain how this is a trust issue, I don't think my partner sees that, just sees it as a little money to me and doesn't understand the big deal.

IMissGin Thu 23-Mar-17 13:41:20

I think all money should be family money and disposable income split equally if you are living as a family. Does your partner have access to an equal amount of disposable income as you? If yes then I'd suggest that undiscussed purchases on credit of that value are a problem. What was purchased? Was it for the P or the DC or you all as a family?

If DP doesn't have equal funds then there is your problem.

ImperialBlether Thu 23-Mar-17 13:44:25

Are you keeping the sex of your partner and you secret here? Do you think that will affect opinion?

IMissGin Thu 23-Mar-17 13:46:25

I also think it reads a bit like a reverse, if so, please just be open about it

expatinscotland Thu 23-Mar-17 13:47:13

It's fucking annoying when an OP goes to great length to keep it all gender neutral thinking it will get a different result.

expatinscotland Thu 23-Mar-17 13:47:45

That, too, Miss. Fucking annoying.

expatinscotland Thu 23-Mar-17 13:48:06

Usually a drip feed, too.

RatherBeRiding Thu 23-Mar-17 13:49:02

You sound financially controlling.

It should be family money, as someone said above - doesn't matter who earns what. Paying what amounts to "house-keeping" to your partner seems rather demeaning, especially as money itself doesn't seem to be short.

Bluntness100 Thu 23-Mar-17 13:49:06

If it's not much money to you why are you keeping your partner on such a tight budget? hmm

Hellmouth Thu 23-Mar-17 13:49:40

I don't think equal funds are the problem. If you're paying all the bills, 700 a month for treats is enough bloody money!

I would never just use DPs credit card for non essential purchases, so I don't think you are wrong to ask your DP to return the items.

And knowing mumsnet, you probably would get different responses depending on if DP is a man or a woman!

RayofFuckingSunshine Thu 23-Mar-17 13:49:46

Based on what you've written you sound like a controlling arse when it comes to money and if I was your partner I'd be looking at getting away from you as fast as possible.

MrsMarigold Thu 23-Mar-17 13:51:34

£700 per month is not enough, sorry. You sound as tight as the proverbial gnat's arse.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes Thu 23-Mar-17 13:52:25

I would like to know why your partner isn't asking your permission, because that is theft.
And also why they aren't working themselves to buy what they want?

Starlight2345 Thu 23-Mar-17 13:52:48

So the amounts are insignificant to you..Does DP have enough money for needs..What was bought?

I don't spend £700 a month however I don't live in your world.so hard to know

Ecureuil Thu 23-Mar-17 13:53:12

I am a SAHM, DH is the sole earner and we have two children so very similar to your set up.
All money is family money. I don't have to ask to spend any of it. We have budgets in place so I know what is available, and discuss big purchases but I have never had to ask for money.
How were attempts made to conceal the £300 purchase? That seems odd as obviously you'd be able to see it on your statement?

LIZS Thu 23-Mar-17 13:53:36

You sound quite controlling. What was £300 spent on?

Bluntness100 Thu 23-Mar-17 13:54:11

Is your partner a stay at home parent and if yes by mutual agreement?

Ecureuil Thu 23-Mar-17 13:54:12

And also why they aren't working themselves to buy what they want?

I'm guessing because they agreed between them that one partner would be a SAHP?

ImFuckingSpartacus Thu 23-Mar-17 13:55:10

£700 per month is not enough, sorry. You sound as tight as the proverbial gnat's arse

700 quid pocket money AFTER everything else is paid for is not enough and thats tight? On what planet?

Letmesleepalready Thu 23-Mar-17 13:55:21

If it's an insignificant amount to you, then I would be questioning why it's an issue tbh. Fair enough if you were in a precarious financial position, or you were trying to pay off debt, then I'd understand.

KinkyAfro Thu 23-Mar-17 13:55:36

£700 per month for treats isn't enough Mrsmarigold? I wish I had that much for treats.

What are the items he/she bought for £300?

HughLauriesStubble Thu 23-Mar-17 13:57:03

Op did you post about this before?

Not sure why you're getting the vitriol tbh. There was a similar thread recently where the OPs husband chose to be a sahm and she paid all the bills, as well as giving him a very adequate amount of spending money and still he was taking the piss with the credit card. That poster was told that her dh was a cocklodging wanker.

Even if finances were totally joint I would expect to be consulted about a £300 purchase.

HiMyNameIsUnknown Thu 23-Mar-17 13:57:12

I think your relationship sounds odd. You are a family so money should be family money. When you say you transfer money for shopping and treats what do you mean? Similar previous posts by financially controlling partners often mean this is the money for the SAHP to pay for kids clubs/food shopping and new clothes for fast growing kids. Your partner should not be hiding spending but also shouldn't need to hide spending so what's the backstory here?

It should come down to disposable income and you having this shared between you fairly.

Agree with others the gender of all involved is irrelevant. Both men and women can be financially controlling or bad with money.

winekeepsmesane Thu 23-Mar-17 13:57:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitterglitters Thu 23-Mar-17 13:57:45

I'd be more concerned that your dp felt they couldn't speak to you about said purchase in the first instance. Whatever it was.

I'm a sahp (though I do earn a bit of pocket money to take pressure off dh, my choice though) and get just £150 a month for groceries from my DH.

I only have to ask for something and he'll always yes though, so he's hardly controlling. I'm crap with money anyway tbf 🙊

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