Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Abusive partner(56 Posts)
Hey guys! I'm not writing on here to get any replies telling me I'm stupid, I just want a bit of guidance and support due to feeling very alone.
I am only 18 years old, and am 13 weeks pregnant with my first, young I know and it wasn't planned but from the second I saw that scan I knew I would love and give this baby the world. My boyfriend, who I've been with over a year was happy at first, he is 20, I have all the support from family I could need! Myself and my boyfriend were saving for a flat deposit and now weve finally got there, he's decided h wants to put the money towards a brand new 20k Mercedes, and then think about moving out in 2 years, as he wants the car, and wants to do his own thing and get what makes him happy first. In my opinion he's being very selfish, which you can't do when you have a baby surely? Im so willing to give up everything for my little one already. So how the plan is to stay at my mums with the baby when it's here and hm. However when I showed him my dating scan two days ago, he wasn't happy Atall, and that night began saying how he can't stand the sight of me and chucked the scan pictures at me and told me to move out his dads house and take that 'shit with me' and said he don't want it. I've told him from the start I wouldn't push him into anything but t he was always sure he wanted this. Anyway this argument the. Escalated when he punched me in the face, leaving me with. A black eye, and pulled me by my hair into the bed, he then punched me in the face another 3 times before putting his hands around my neck and stopping me from breathing and screamed in my face he was going to kill me before eventually getting off and letting go. And then after apologised said how he didn't mean to and he does want this family and then got me some forozen pack for my head and asked me for a cuddle until infell asleep. He is like two different people ATM, and god knows I am so in love with him after him being the first thing to make me feel myself again after a sexual assault court case, and I don't want my baby to be brought up on a split family but what if one day he flips and it's not at me, it's at my little one? He seems to have shown such a nasty selfish side to him, but I don't want to just give up and walk away on someone I've put so much time into and someone who I want a family with and someone who claims to love me and I know fully well i love him. And someone who a lot of the time can be so amazing and so nice and funny and my best friend in the whole world. I just need a bit of support, or guidance as I'm feeling very alone, and I just want to be happy, so please, anything welcome.
Take your share of the savings and stay with your family. He is a dangerous man and def not one you should want around you or your baby.
Before your poor parents are asked to identify your body.
That's the real reality of staying with him. Sorry this is your life right now but believe me once you confide in your family they will keep you safe. And you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy and your baby.
Think very carefully about putting him on the birth certificate also.
He would have to take you to court for access and given his level of violence or would be doubtful.
With your family's support you will find the strength to go to the police.
Darling you are only 18 you have the rest of your life to find someone so much better.
Would you want your child seeing that?
He could of harmed your baby!
Take your half of the savings.
Stay with your family.
Pursue your life and dreams away from this waste of skin.
Split families are better than abusive ones. Gather all your stuff and documents and just go.
He is showing you the real him - he is not the person you thought he was. If he is violent towards you before your baby even arrives, imagine what he might be like when baby is crying or ill and he wants to sleep? Or if there isn't enough money for him to go on a night out?
Why should your joint savings be spent on a car for him - it isn't what you want and a baby certainly has no need of a twenty grand Merc.
I agree with PP who say to get hold of your share of the deposit and move out to your family. Is there any problem with you getting hold of your share? I hope it isn't all in his name. If you haven't already done so, report him to the police for assault.
Please report him to the police and leave and get somewhere safe. This will happen again and there is very chance your child could get hurt. Next time he could kill you. Your child does not deserve to be bought into this environment so please protect them.
He will be nice and apologetic to stop you leaving, it's what abusive people do so don't be fooled.
You and your baby deserve more.
Get the hell away from this "man" and stay away. He is not a nice person, he is a bullt and a coward and will hurt you and he will hurt your child. Speak to the police and Womens Aid, they will help you. GET AWAY FROM HIM. You and your baby are not safe as long as he is in your lives. Please xxx
Putting his hands round your neck is v v bad, it is behaviour demonstrated by someone who is prepared to kill. (I know, I had a similar experience)
You are only 18.
Get the hell away from this man asap, he is v v dangerous.
DO NOT believe anything he says about being sorry, he won't do it again blah blah blah....
He WILL do it again, and next time he might kill you.
It's harsh and acary I know, I left my abusive ex when he tried to strangle me, literally ran out the door in barefeet and the clothes I had on and that was it, I never went back.
I wish I had left years earlier.
My mum was 18 when she had me and unfortunately married my abusive dad. At the age of 3 I witnessed my dad nearly kill my mum and somehow I managed to escape and call the neighbours for help. Don't put yourself or your precious baby in that situation, get out and stay away. He doesn't love you he never will you don't hurt the one's you love. Please report him for your safety and don't put him on the birth certificate.
If you stay with him, you are giving him signals that you will allow him to hurt you and your child. Please love yourself and your child enough to get away from him. You said you will give your child the world. This man may hurt you enough to kill your baby.
He isn't two different people. He is one person who is selfish and violent.
Go to the police. Now. Once he knows he can do what he likes to you without any come back he can and will, next time you might lose the baby. As others have said this is exactly the kind of person you want 1000 miles away from your child, when that baby is crying and won't stop he won't try to calm it down, he'll shake it to shut it up. Best will in the world you have not invested lots of time into this man, this is a very new relationship, and even if you feel you have this is a 'sunk cost' - throwing more time after it in an attempt to save face isn't going to make that time you have spent mean more, it's just going to mean more of your very finite life is lost to this waste of air. I am saying this as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, not much older than you when it began, but I stayed for 4 years, convinced it would get better. Guess what, it never gets better, and despite hating them for what they do you love them too, which makes leaving very hard, but I can tell you honestly leaving was the best thing I ever did, that man I thought of as my soulmate, I had a very lucky escape, when I did leave him it was the worst night of my life, I honestly didn't know I'd survive, it was the first time I dared actually call the police on him. But there was no going back from that and I have a much happier, healthier home for my children to grow up in now.
Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
Then contact the police on 101 and report the violence.
Ask for the DV team.
Get pictures of your injuries right now so you have the evidence you need.
He WILL do this again and will likely kill you in the process (and your baby).
Your poor little baby deserves a lovely upbringing away from abuse and violence.
What is your background?
Did you witness abuse in your childhood?
Get him reported. Ensure he is put on the Clare's Law register so he can't do this to other women.
Because he absolutely will.
You KNOW what you have to do but are scared to do it.
Pack your things now and get to your family fast.
Tell them everything.
I doubt this is the only abusive thing he has done.
Really look at what you have put up with.
He is no doubt controlling.
Beating a pregnant woman is the absolute worst a person can do.
He is the worst kind of abuser.
GET AWAY and do it fast.
What would be the first thing you'd do if you were walking down the street and a complete stranger punched you in the face FOUR TIMES and tried to strangle you?
You'd phone the police, of course. And that's what you must do, right now.
IMO it's a million times worse coming from someone who's supposed to love you, who knows you're carrying his child, who's supposed to be making a family with you. There's no excuse for this. In particular, strangulation is a massive indicator of serious, even fatal violence in the future.
He's a dangerous man and you need to get away. Sounds like you have great family support - use it!
The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.
If you want to be happy (and alive in the long term) you need to get away from him. He is no role model for his child and he will destroy you in the end if you were to stay with him.
You need to get away from this individual before he puts you in either the hospital or morgue. He targeted you when you were at your most vulnerable and wheedled his way into your life. The violent him is the real him; he got into your life just long enough to fool you into believing that he is a nice person. Emotionally healthy people do not punch you in the face, pull your hair or try and throttle you. He is a dangerous violent man. He does not know what love is and neither do you; this relationship is a disaster from the start.
Re your comment:-
" He seems to have shown such a nasty selfish side to him, but I don't want to just give up and walk away on someone I've put so much time into"
There is no seem about it; he is really a nasty selfish man. The second part of your sentence here is the "sunken costs fallacy" and its basically causing you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavour and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one. People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs just as you are doing here now by thinking the above.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavor.
Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.
You are in a violent relationship and the violence will further escalate as it likely has done already. Do call Womens Aid and the Police and plan your escape route out and away from this individual. Your child will also thank you for doing that for them.
You can't stay with him. He could have caused you to lose your baby. What if next time he does? Or kills you both? Is the savings in a joint account? You need to work out what money you have paid in and withdraw it, today. You're going to need every penny.
Then get out of there asap, and go straight to the police. I'm assuming you'll have injuries.....they'll need to photograph those.
He is showing you his true colours.....now is the time to take note. If he's like this now, the stress of a baby will only make things worse.
I wouldn't allow yourself to be alone with him. It's not just yourself you have to think about now. X
I agree with all the above. Also you state there was an assault court case. What counselling have you had since then? This violent man chose you as you are vulnerable. Please seek out some counselling for yourself and the freedom programme too. You need to get away from this man now and report him to all agencies possible so that he will never be allowed near you and your baby again. And get your cash back too.
OP, the man is a woman beater; do you really want that for your child, or even yourself? No excuses, no reasons, nobody should put their hands on you; he sounds positively dangerous so if you love your baby as much as you say, please get away from him before your child becomes part of a domestic abuse household; at 18, you know the difference between right and wrong.
This is not love, nothing like it, it's about control and abuse; you know this and you must know you can do a zillion times better; I'd report him now and ensure he only has access to child under supervision.
You know what will make your baby grow up in a broken family? Staying with this worthless shitstain until he kills you, leaving your child motherless. And don't think he won't start on the child as well. He already has by attacking you while pregnant.
You and your baby will be a complete family all by yourself. He is worse than useless, he is violent, abusive, feckless, selfish and honestly rather dim. Get rid, report him to the police and let's hope he gets at least six months.
OP I haven't read all of the replies but have a read of this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2880520-So-sad-not-all-of-us-make-it-out-domestic-violence-trigger-warning?pg=1&order= & then decide what environment you want your precious baby to be raised in my personal advice would be to leave him asap & cut all contact with him for both yours & your unborn baby's safety... He will tell you his sorry, promise you the world & even cry at your feet but I guarantee you he will never change it will only get worse for you & your child until one or both of you end up dead... I wish you well in whatever you decide too do
The savings are all in his savings account, not a joint one due to him being the one who was going to be on the rent agreement and who's account it would be coming out of, stupid I know but I dthought everything was going to work out perfectly. I appreciate every answer on here more than you know, and no it's not the first time there have been a few times before but not for a while and I guess I was stupid to think he had changed. I think I know what I need to do, it's more building up the courage to do it, and learning to walk away from someone, who as much as he hurts me I am in love with, and I would do anything for, so I'm hoping I can find the strength, just all getting on top of me as it seems to be one thing after the other, every time I think things are going well, and it's always those who are closest. I know my child deserves better then someone who for one thinks a Mercedes is more of a priority than a place for he or she to feel secure and safe in, and who obviously hasn't grown up and although I can put up with the abuse you're right in saying I've got someone else to think about now, I just hope I can find some strength inside of me to do it. Thank you son much to all of you who have taken time our of your day to reply, it means ore than you know, and has helped a lot hearing the things from others x
although I can put up with the abuse
No one should have to put up with abuse, ever. You shouldn't have to tolerate it or think it's normal or ok. It is not normal. The amount of acceptable abuse is none. Regardless of having a baby.
"I know my child deserves better then someone who for one thinks a Mercedes is more of a priority"
That part of your comment should be seared into your brain.
You have been well done over by him physically, mentally and financially. All that he has done are not the actions of a loving individual; such men like he really hate women, all of them.
I repeat, the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. If you want a happy family you will only create that if this individual you are in a dysfunctional and codependent relationship with is not in it.
What message does that send to your child if you are willing to put up with the abuse?.
Just one step at a time, my lovely. Just get your things and go to your mum's. Don't face him if you don't want to.
But please, at the very least ring the police and get this put on file and a picture taken of your black eye. There might come a day when you are glad you did.
Op he punched you repeatedly & tried to strangle you. He may well kill you next time. Call the police & leave if you can do safely. Please prioritise looking after yourself.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.