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How to turn off your love??

(26 Posts)
Bones2017 Thu 23-Mar-17 09:25:02

Ok I have a separate thread about my STBXH leaving me and my kids 4 months ago. And I definitely don't ever want him back. That I know.

But my question is, how do I stop loving him? Or my memories of him before he became bored of me and looked elsewhere for attention? I feel like I'm making great leaps at moving forward but it's hard to just switch the love off. I felt like he was my 'one' & can never envisage ever having that with anyone else again. And I don't want to either.

I just want tips on how to turn the love off??

hellsbellsmelons Thu 23-Mar-17 09:29:16

Unfortunately we can't just turn off love.
You will always have those memories.
But.. time.
Time is a great healer.
4 months is not long.
You won't be ready yet.
You will eventually but for now you are doing all the right things.
It took me well over a year to start to get over my ExH.
Don't rush it.
You have a whole grieving process to go through.
It takes time!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 23-Mar-17 09:30:26

Write a list of all the reasons he is an ex.
Revamp your home and put your own stamp on it!!
When I threw my exh out I felt like my world had collapsed.
I met my now dh only 4 months later and wow life has been fab for 5 years. Unlike the miserable 5 I had with ex.
You really don't know what - or who - is around the corner!!

Hacpac Thu 23-Mar-17 10:42:07

I think men are better at this and he probably switched his off well before the split.

Time is the only healer.

I think women are conditioned to buy into this happy ever after/fairytale/the one/soul mate bullshit and when it ends, it's harder to come to terms with as everything you ever wanted and dreamt about is at an end. Men just don't have this image and to be honest when men split, it's their kids they worry about more than the split itself hence you get questions like "how can he move on so quickly?" Reason is he switched the feelings off more quickly. Men are very mechanical.

Bones2017 Thu 23-Mar-17 10:48:42

I don't know if I actually love him or just the idea of what I thought we had (which was obviously a massive lie anyway on the later months).

post Thu 23-Mar-17 11:04:45

I think it's not so much turning off the love for him as turning up the love for yourself; loving yourself enough to value yourself, your life with your dcs, knowing that you're worth more. You say you loved the idea of what you had, maybe when you're craving being treated, treat yourself, tell yourself you're great, do something kind for yourself.
It doesn't happen straight away but you can practise.

MartinaMartini Thu 23-Mar-17 11:13:08

I'm watching this closely as I know how you feel Bones. I've followed your other thread too. How do you stop?

I'm only 3/4 weeks down the line . The thought of him with someone else literally crushes my chest.

I think you may be right about being in love with the idea of what was 'perfect' - even though it turns out to be false. Great tips from posters above. Shame there is no way to speed up the slow healing process.

I think you're doing great by the way and I'm taking real inspiration from your progress and how you're centering everything on your children.

Bones2017 Thu 23-Mar-17 11:21:42

Thanks Martina. It's been a dark road but I do feel I've turned a corner now. My kids are everything and if I didn't have them I doubt I'd have got this far.
I wish you well too. It's a very hard road that nobody will understand unless they've walked it. X

Notsandwiches Thu 23-Mar-17 11:24:37

Bones: I have been in your position and not long ago. I realised that I was holding on to something that only existed in my head. I read a book on moving on after a breakup and found it enormously helpful. I did a relationship audit and it really wasn't pretty. I finally feel hopeful. I have a future. I am happier and I am building a life for myself but it does take time. He is still in my thoughts more than I would like and I've bought the Paul McKenna CD and book to see if it helps. However you have to want to move forward. Good luck.

MartinaMartini Thu 23-Mar-17 12:36:19

Notsandwiches - what is a relationship audit?! Very intrigued. It sounds like you've separated the reality from the fantasy which must start to help the fog clear?

Bones - I'm so pleased you feel you've turned a corner. That is fantastic news. So true about it being a hard road. My mum is finding me incredibly frustrating and thinks I love I felt should have turned to hate by now. It's so hard to just function day to day. He keeps coming back to the house and wants to try again and promises he's changed. So much has happened that I know there is no future for us but I still have the urge to fall for it: his lies are much more appealing to believe than what I know to be the truth.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

NotJanine Thu 23-Mar-17 12:54:58

I know how you feel. I'm 9 months on (just worked that out and can't believe how long it has been).

I do have patches where I feel nothing but then small reminders pop up or I dream about him and reminders of the love that I felt start to sneak back. I haven't seen him for 6 months (no need as I now have my own house with teen DCs) as I'm scared of how I will feel.

The reality is that I should have no positive feelings towards him as he treated me horribly. But I think only time can turn those feelings off. Hang in there

user1479305498 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:47:36

I actually envy you women who still have DCs at home in this situation. Although its harder in many ways, in some ways its easier as you have something else to "focus on" going forward

fedupandnogin Thu 23-Mar-17 17:35:13

It may or may not be love. I don't think I had any feelings of love when my exH left me (after his affair) but I did grieve for the loss of the relationship and the family unit we had and the future I thought we had together. And yes being reminded of happy times that we had spent together were also hard. I think it just takes time. Five years down the line and I still struggle.

colouringinagain Thu 23-Mar-17 17:39:27

I know how you feel. I'm four weeks post complicated separation from oh with poorly managed bipolar.

As someone said I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Long long time married. I feel horrendous.

user1488723505 Thu 23-Mar-17 17:58:14

I'm coming up 3 weeks post sbxh leaving me for a girl who was at school with our daughter. I have my daughter at home who is moving out very soon with her son,( my grandson) and partner. I am dreading having an empty nest. Completely empty. He couldn't have timed it worse really.

user1479305498 Thu 23-Mar-17 18:00:24

im with you user505

Notsandwiches Thu 23-Mar-17 20:52:00

I think a big issue for a lot of us isn't grieving what we've lost but fear of what the future does or doesn't hold for us. If you new that a year from now you would meet someone and that relationship would be amazing, would you still be pining for an ex who thought you were disposable? Or was a nasty scumbag. I'm working on making me happy and having a life I'm satisfied with. Once I don't need anyone I'm pretty confident I'll meet someone. Interestingly since I no longer give a toss about my list relationship my ex is sniffing around again but that ship has sailed.

Bones2017 Thu 23-Mar-17 20:53:50

Oh really Nots? How long has he been gone? Was it another woman? X

muntcunch Thu 23-Mar-17 20:57:17

I'm 15 months in and still looking for the answer to this.
Yes time is a healer but it doesn't stop the what ifs, what we'd be doing now etc

Notsandwiches Thu 23-Mar-17 21:13:24

5 months since the decision was made and 3 months since he left.

The relationship audit got me to the point where I thought WTF am I doing? Would I advise my daughter to stick with this relationship? If I were to meet my ex now, knowing him, would I be interested? I realised MY still wanting him was down to poor self esteem and I've worked on that so I think "you know what? I deserve better and even if I can't do better, I'm not settling for you!". Works for me and I feel in control and really positive about the future.

Notsandwiches Thu 23-Mar-17 21:15:40

No it wasn't another woman.

Underthemoonlight Thu 23-Mar-17 21:17:45

Took me just under year to get over the damage and heartbreak ex caused. I did have one relationship for a month but ended it and was single for along time before I met dh. People would tell me time was a healer and I didn't believe them but it really does help the more time goes by.

Mrspotatohead18 Thu 23-Mar-17 21:19:42

I also wish I could turn it off sad

Notsandwiches Thu 23-Mar-17 21:23:59

My ex and I separated about five years ago for two years and I went through hell. I wasn't prepared to do that again and actively looked at ways to minimise the heartache and avoid repeating the mistake in future relationships. I know my worth.

lilolenny Fri 24-Mar-17 08:56:13

Someone once told me to stop 'allowing' myself to wonder the ifs, the why's, the how's and to just accept that you don't have to understand any of it.
This helped me just accept my ex as spineless, giving him less thought and I found this helped me stop loving him.

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