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I don't think my husband loves me anymore

(3 Posts)
SunnySideDownUp Wed 22-Mar-17 23:55:00

Apologies for the long post.

We've been married 5 years. We have 2 dd. Dd1 is great but sleeps terribly, dd2 is 4 months old and she's been in hospital most of her life. Along the way we've had 3 miscarriages. So not an easy path, but not the worse.

I'm just fed up with how my husband reacts and talks to me.

E.g. at the weekend i had to take dd2 to a&e. At the time i left home, I didn't think we'd be admitted, but I chucked overnight essentials on the bed if necessary. Dh went to sleep without asking me for an update, and when i called and asked him to arrange to bring the overnight stuff he refused. I asked if he could ask a neighbour to babysit quickly and he refused (we live 5 mins drive from hospital). When i pushed the point he started swearing down the phone. He turned up at hospital at 7am with the stuff, but with no apology.

Today we had another hospital appointment in a town an hour's drive away. He offered to drive (I haven't passed my test yet). There was a lack of communication and basically I'd had to find a cafe to give dd2 her milk and meds (via feeding tube so it takes time) before we left. Once again he lost it with me. I had to prompt him to ask how dd2's appointment had gone.

He's permanently grumpy and nothing i do is good enough. He resents the time i take to feed and pump for dd2. I never do enough around the house for him. He does give me a lie in (until 7) as i do the night feeds, but is so grumpy about it I'd rather we shared nights and lie ins.

We've not had sex for over a year. Mainly because of a bloody awful pregnancy. But I've tried a few times since birth and he's not interested.

I don't know what to do. I do still love him and I'm not perfect. But the way he talks to me is so degrading, He loses his temper (verbally) constantly and I worry that he's setting a bad example to our daughters. Dd1's temper tantrums have got worse, but I'm not surprised given the role model.

We tried couples therapy a few years ago after I found out he'd been lying to me. It was awful and i was made to feel the cause of everything whereas dh walked away citing my behaviour as the cause of his.

I just don't know where to start. I want back the man i fell in love with, who clearly cared for me.

scoobydoo1971 Thu 23-Mar-17 00:08:11

My eldest child was quite seriously ill from 9 months old with epilepsy. In the first 5 years, I spent too much time in the back of ambulances and in hospital wards with him wondering if family life would ever turn out normal. It put a terrible strain on my marriage, but my husband was supportive in his own way. Loads of drama has happened in my family over the past 5 years that has changed how we relate to each other as a couple forever, but we have survived the bad stuff. I think your situation is different and you have indicated that counselling hasn't worked, but you stayed anyway. I think you hope he will revert to how he felt in the past, but you cannot make that happen and you are not only his wife now, but mother too. You have to focus on making the best situation for your children, and that clearly doesn't mean staying in any relationship that makes you so deeply unhappy.

The first thing you should do is learn to drive. I did that at a mature age and it gives you so much independence, and a means to get urgent medical assistance if required. You should also look into disability benefits for your child if it is appropriate. You can get a mobility allowance that would ease the cost of hospital-transfer and extra expenses. As a carer to a child with medical needs, it has been heard of for local authorities and grant-making organisations to pay for your driving lessons (Care Act 2014 etc).

However, none of this is to do with your marriage. You have enough to deal with as a mum to a young child with medical needs. You need a supportive partner/ husband, and if you do not have that, it will erode you and start chipping away at the energy you devote to your children. You cannot make this man change his feelings but you need to talk to him and offer an ultimatum to change or leave?

SunnySideDownUp Thu 23-Mar-17 00:14:20

Thanks scooby.

It already has eroded my confidence, I really noticed it going back to work between dds.

It's not a terrible marriage. I'd describe it as a good marriage with unacceptable moments. Only currently this is happening daily.

Good advice on the driving. It's high in my to do list.

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