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When do you stop looking?

(80 Posts)
gladiatorix Wed 22-Mar-17 22:14:13

BF cheated on me. We don't live together and have been in a relationship for nearly a year. I knew the minute I walked in the door after returning from a work trip that he had done this. I asked pointed subtle questions that he rebuffed with ease. But I knew. I got up in the middle of the night and drove home. The next day he confessed.

I was shocked, but probably not surprised. He has said and done all the right things, but each time I come into the house, I'm looking. Examining. Questioning. Doubting.

When does that ease off? I'm in danger of driving myself mad

category12 Wed 22-Mar-17 22:15:27

Why are you staying with him?

Patchouli666 Wed 22-Mar-17 22:20:08

Not meaning to be harsh but you've been together ONE year and don't live together and he has already cheated. You deserve much more.

BettyBaggins Wed 22-Mar-17 22:21:59

He has said and done all the right things?????

Like shag someone else? He's following 'the script' I would guess.

I'm with category12 here, why are you with him? You have only been with him a short time really, you are worth more than this.

kittybiscuits Wed 22-Mar-17 22:23:46

Walk away and find someone more trustworthy. Why would you put yourself through this?

category12 Wed 22-Mar-17 22:46:06

You really should walk away, OP - not a year in and he's already cheated on you. This is as good as it gets, this is the early period where you're showing your best selves. And just look at his.

NorksAreMessy Wed 22-Mar-17 22:48:45

Oh no, no no no no no no. sad

This is NOT something to 'get over'...it is something to get away from, permanently.

AshesandDust Wed 22-Mar-17 22:56:33

It eases off after you kick him in to touch and come back
to this thread and announce you've met someone else.

Alfiemoon1 Wed 22-Mar-17 23:18:48

Walk away 12 months together no kids together don't live together this should be the honeymoon period yet he's already cheated. Move on u deserve better

Moanyoldcow Wed 22-Mar-17 23:48:04

Why aren't you more angry? Why are you staying!?

Lesley1980 Thu 23-Mar-17 00:01:14

It eases off when you find someone that doesn't cheat.

Saying & doing all the right things is because he is trying to trick you into believing he is sorry, he wont do it again, he loves you, it was a mistake, he was lonely, sad, missing you etc etc but really what he is doing is testing you & how much you will put up with. He knows if you stay he can probably get away with it again.

Trustyourself2 Thu 23-Mar-17 00:09:24

Sad to say, it doesn't ease off. You'll always be looking and checking. I'd never put myself through it again. There's more to life than being miserable with someone you don't trust, especially so early on in a relationship.

FritzDonovan Thu 23-Mar-17 07:16:38

Agree. Even if you think you're over it, something will happen to make you doubt further down the line. But he got away with it once so gets better at lying to your face, you end up doubting yourself and looking for stuff all over again. Never ending, I'm guessing (from experience).

AnyFucker Thu 23-Mar-17 07:19:12

Why are you still with him ?

highinthesky Thu 23-Mar-17 07:27:49

Stop remember the good times, OP - they were never real.

Do yourself a favour and cut ties now. Yes it feels like hell but you will look back and see that extracting yourself from this selfish man's grasp was a very wise decision. Plus you will have preserved your self respect.

TheNaze73 Thu 23-Mar-17 08:11:19

He really doesn't give a shit about you. Why are you with him?

gladiatorix Thu 23-Mar-17 10:45:03

Thanks for all the replies. To answer the overwhelming 'why don't you leave him', I guess the reasons for not leaving are rich and complex. Like in every relationship.

We don't live together because I fought long and hard for my independence after my divorce - and I'm not ready to give it up

Catherinebee85 Thu 23-Mar-17 10:48:31

You're lucky you don't live with him. Just end it. It's only been a year and he can't keep it in his pants. Just walk away! You deserve better! Have some fun dating, do some fun things for yourself. Life's too short.

gladiatorix Thu 23-Mar-17 10:49:26

highinthenightsky yes, I feel strongly that all the words spoken and emotions felt while I was away don't mean shit now. I was away for a long time, and I missed him so much. He purported to feel the same and rang me every day, sometimes twice a day. I thought how lucky I was!

gladiatorix Thu 23-Mar-17 10:57:35

lesley1980 that made me laugh

category12 Thu 23-Mar-17 11:17:35

He talks the talk. But he fucks other people.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 23-Mar-17 11:31:25

What's complex?
He's a cheat.
You deserve better.
There is surely nothing stopping you ending this?
I always say with infidelity - no knee jerk reactions. It's not always LTB,
But.... a year in!!???
Don't put yourself through it.
It's not worth it for your mental health.
You will always be checking, looking over your shoulder.
People who have been in relationships for 15-20 years and try to work things out, years on are still reeling from it all.
For your own sanity, do not continue with this.

gladiatorix Thu 23-Mar-17 11:40:39

hellsbells thank you for the considered message.

I am due shortly to go away again. The acid test. I think I have had this in mind since I found out. There will be no coming back if he does it again

gladiatorix Thu 23-Mar-17 11:42:52

I suppose for me, the complication has been that I was giving up the travelling aspect of my job when I met him. And I have not. He is frustrated, and PLEASE DONT FLAME ME I feel that his cheating was a reaction and I am somewhat up blame

hellsbellsmelons Thu 23-Mar-17 11:45:40

He put his dick in someone else.
YOU are NOT to blame for that.
Not at all.
If he loved you, he wouldn't have done it.
He can have a wank surely?
He doesn't need to find OW and shag them.
It's the disrespect that will hit you hardest.

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