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A safe place for people with crap mothers, in the run up to mothers day

(239 Posts)
pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 20:52:31

Last year I remember feeling very conflicted on mumsnet around the whole mothers day deal.

Lots of threads inviting "Share the best lesson your mum has taught you!" and when I replied "how to take a punch from your dad" it was a bit of a mood killer sad

So this is a safe place for all of us with damaging mothers to freak the fuck out make plans for M-Day which will keep ourselves sane and healthy.

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 20:56:42

This will be the third M-day I have spent since going NC.

My god, the agonies I used to go through in the run up. What shall I get, I know whatever I get will be thoroughly rubbished, should I listen her and get her a donation to charity like she said publicly? (Spoiler: no - you were supposed to do that AND get her a present too, so she could still express dissatisfaction.)

Now I'm a mum, I have told my (adult) son - don't pay any fucking attention to it whatsoever, it's just a cynical attempt to try to make you spend money. if you want to spend time with me then yay, let's go do something which will be empty due to other people feeling compelled to do something traditional. Yay, bowling!

NewPurrs5 Wed 22-Mar-17 20:56:44

I'll join. I always feel so hurt and left out when I realise no one ever loved me the way I love my children. I hate Mother's Day.

AristotlesArmy Wed 22-Mar-17 20:58:25

I'm in, I feel so let down this year. I don't want my abusive mum but wish I had a good one!

LaundryQueenHatesBunfights Wed 22-Mar-17 21:02:30

Can I join too? This'll be my first MD after going NC (went NC not long after last MD). Nice to be spared the agony of sifting through 100s of all the 'World's Best Mum!' cards that I could never bring myself to buy. I agree about the left out feeling NewPurr. wine and cake to us all being better mums than the ones we had.

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 21:09:01

Realising that MD is a completely made up day (along with FD and VD) really set me on the path to realising that if I couldnt not be a disappointment to my mum on MD then I couldn't not be one full stop.

(Bloody hell that grammar was awful but hopefully people with realise what I mean!)

user1489677782 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:09:04

I loved my mum and miss her so much. I always did everything I could to help my mum in her illness. I was there at her death. Even as an adult I wish I had my mum.
On the other hand I have adult children as well as youngish children. My adult children are so uncaring. They are so devoted to their OHs who are lazy blighters and so nasty to their children and their mother. I never even realised that people could be nasty to their mothers.
All the talk of NC on Mumsnet is irritating because I am sure all the complaining daughters can not be so perfect! I don't claim to be perfect.

Bitrustyandbusty Wed 22-Mar-17 21:16:33

I always buy a blank inside 'happy mothers' day!' card and a token gift. Gave it to her last weekend (first short visit in months) so I get to spend my mothers' day with my dc, having fun. I am not going NC but it's the barest minimum of contact for me, with no fake love, and at a level that doesn't drain me...well, not very much anyway. I get 'best mum ever!' handmade cards given to me all year. It saddens me that, from about age six, I stopped thinking of my own mum that way. That's when I stopped loving her. Now I can barely tolerate her.

Poshsausage Wed 22-Mar-17 21:16:52

Yup
Mine is a class a cunt

I do love that word
I've saved it especially for her
Thanks :-)

Newmother8668 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:18:16

Just wanted to say, it took some time and therapy, but I could give two sh**s about my mother and it doesn't make me sad. I'm a mother now and I feel complete. I drew a line under that crap and just vowed to be the mother to my son that I always wanted in my own life. That's enough for me. Even if my mother dies, I won't cry or attend her funeral. She's not worth it. She taught me what not to be as a person or a mother and I'm grateful for that.

dontpissoffthefairies Wed 22-Mar-17 21:19:20

Me too !! Four years on mothers day since I went NC with my mother and it feels everybody will be celebrating it except me . I have two adult children with their own kids and I have told them to spend any money they have on taking their children out for the day as I really don't need anything and I would rather see my grandchildren happy than be reminded about my mother !!

Waterfeature Wed 22-Mar-17 21:22:36

Not the place for it, user.

Lucky old you that you had a great mum. Some of us don't.

ojojoj1 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:23:09

My mother to me when I was a teenager- you have pretty face but your body should be chopped off from waist down . All my insecurities, abuse from ex partners all due to her . Thanks mum

Iris65 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:23:09

I have to look for a card that does not say World's Best Mum and stuff like that. Never had the guts to go NC but wish I had.

OllyBJolly Wed 22-Mar-17 21:25:37

My mother died 4 weeks ago. We'd been NC since 2004. I'd been feeling quite conflicted since her passing and did agonise over attending the funeral. For context, 5 siblings, only 2 were in contact with her. She was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. In her defence, she herself had a very dysfunctional childhood which included sexual abuse by her father, who was then jailed for abuse against others. When her toxicity started affecting my children, I had to cut contact.

So all the "wonderful mother" stuff of Mothers' Day really gets to me. I've tried so hard to be a good mother to my DCs. Not sure I've succeeded to be honest.

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 21:26:10

My sister recently sent me a link from Selfridges that said along the lines of "Whatever type of mum you have, we have a gift for her."

Sis said "Do you think they do dog shit in a jar?"

My mum taught me that whatever a man demanded of me (usually sexually) if I didn't immediately provide it, then he would just take it and there was nothing I could do about it, so just shut up.

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 21:29:19

She also taught me that for any girl unfortunate to be "not conventionally attractive" we should probably hope to be lesbians as no man would ever want us

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 21:30:29

Olly must be a really difficult time for you, I empathise.

Have you got anything planned on Sunday to take your mind off things or mark the occasion in an appropriate way?

IronNeonClasp Wed 22-Mar-17 21:31:38

My Mum when I was 5 told me "I could have been an abortion on a plate". She also had a dysfunctional childhood and family always remind me (regularly) about her awful and terrible time.
What they don't realise is that I too had a completely, dysfunctional upbringing by her where she completely lost it regularly.
We fell out massively in August and things have not been the same since. I have never been brace enough to go NC also - did once and she turned up on my door after phoning her exH, and my Dad to find out what was wrong with me . Awful, awful toxic woman that controls me so much sad

ashtrayheart Wed 22-Mar-17 21:33:07

I always try and find a neutral 'happy mothers day' card rather than best mum or suchlike. She wasn't abusive or terrible but she's never been there for me or ever wanted much to do with my children despite living nearby, so I keep her at arm's length.

FlopsyisaRabbit Wed 22-Mar-17 21:33:39

I've been no contact with my mother for 35 years now. I very rarely think about it, but MD can be hard especially when I see comments from my sister about her wonderful mother.

I mourn for the woman I would have liked to have as my mum, not for the mother I was given.
G
And I try my hardest to be the best mum I can be for my children.

flowers for all.

llangennith Wed 22-Mar-17 21:34:53

I always felt duty-bound to buy a Mother's Day card but tried to find a boring unsentimental one as I couldn't be a hypocrite.
I envied the people reading the sloppy verses and carefully choosing a card for their much loved mother.
I love my DC and DGC and receive lovely sentimental cards from them.

user1489677782 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:35:38

Waterfeature - just highlighting that there is another side of the coin. I do realise that I had good parents and other elders. I just wish is was genetic. I wonder what the future holds as I wont play the game. I don't want to be party to children being used as levers etc etc. I don't like to be used either.
Sorry if people don't like to hear that the younger generation as not so hot.
I wanted my view considered not dismissed. Too close to my RL

OhHolyFuck Wed 22-Mar-17 21:38:23

User if you want to talk about how wonderful mothers are (in your experience) or how your children are 'not so hot' then maybe start your own thread?

Gatecrashing a thread for those struggling with Mother's Day for many, very valid, reasons to say the problem is with the younger generations seems a little in poor taste

JumpingJellybeanz Wed 22-Mar-17 21:39:56

I'm NC with my mum. Have been since Brexit. I still cry every day over it but there's no going back this time. I'm done.

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