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Long distance relationship/affair, should i leave 13 years marriage

(13 Posts)
Confrm Wed 22-Mar-17 18:03:56

I am new to this site and thought I'd share my story since I am undecided on next phase in life and could get some clarity on this page since I can’t share my thoughts with a lot of people.
I have been married for 13years but my husband and I lived together for 5 years before we decided to make a bold move of relocating to my home country. In order to make that move, we would need a steady income and with that he had a good business out there, income was good but not steady. I stayed in the USA with 2 kids and waited for the business to execute.
The first few years were rough on me as a single parent and i maintained a long distance relationship with husband. During the first few months that hubby moved overseas ( August 2009), I met my affair partner who i have known 13 years prior to that, we lost contact when i relocated to the US. We were very close, connected emotionally and spiritually. We maintained a on-off relationship as I didn't want to wreck his marital home which had its own sets of problems. For a good 4 years, we maintained the off and on relationship but often found a way to reconnect even after I go NC with him. It was easier for me to maintain a relationship with affair partner. I have a very good career with his support. hubby came to visit us twice a year, about every 6 months for 4weeks. It was hard on me as I always expressed the loneliness and frustration to my husband but he would always comfort me and tell me that we will be together very soon. Fast forward, 5 years later I fell in love deep for my affair partner who was equally married with 3 kids. At the same time, we both knew we would never leave our spouses. Things got rocky with his wife and they had a trial separation 2 years ago. He brought his kids around my kids and they got fond of each other and we ended up having out kids alternate homes on weekends. He reconciled with his wife for a year and they were still having issues and finally decided to leave her, without informing me.
As such we got even closer as we were both "single". We would talk about business; he understood me emotionally and spiritually and was always there for me when hubby was away on business. About last last year, my affair partner and I were inseparable and hubby started noticing that we were drifting apart on our daily conversation, he suspected I was cheating and confronted me but I lied to him. He decided to start visiting us every 3 months and 4 months later, he relocated back to the US to be with us and apologized for not listening to me. Prior to him coming back to the US, I confessed that I was in an affair and the feelings were strong. I felt very bad for hurting him but he still relocated so he can salvage our marriage. My family pleaded that I give him another chance and leave my affair partner but I am still finding it hard to let go. My husband is very nice, supportive and easy going and loves his family man, but am afraid the feelings are not there anymore. I have stayed with hubby for 7months now but I want to be with my affair partner that I have known for 23 years, agreed we have our own set of conflicts but I can’t help but feel I am making the wrong move. Hubby and I took our marriage for granted and now i feel am in a huge mess.
Long distance of 7 years was not healthy and I take the blame for not making the move of being with husband overseas. Now I am in a mental fog and do not know what to do with myself.

ShuttyTown Wed 22-Mar-17 18:14:05

It's clear from reading your post that you don't want to be with your husband and want to be with the other man. I don't think it's fair to any of you, including your children to continue to live a lie. If I were you I would leave my husband so he could be with someone who actually wants to be with him. Life is too short

Happybunny19 Wed 22-Mar-17 18:18:00

Reading your thread it sounds as if you introduced your kids to OM before confessing about your affair to your DH. If that's correct that's awful. How could you put your children in that position?

End your marriage, it's a sham.

Pyjamaface Wed 22-Mar-17 18:37:20

You have been cheating on your husband for 8 years out of a 13 year marriage?
And, as if that wasn't bad enough, you and OM have dragged your (and his) children into the whole sordid mess?

Disgusting. Your husband deserves the whole, unedited truth about your affair so he can make his own decision regarding your marriage. Fog or not, act like a decent human being

Cricrichan Wed 22-Mar-17 18:51:16

I don't understand why you lived separately for so long?

JK1773 Wed 22-Mar-17 18:57:41

Your poor husband. You've cheated over most of your marriage and introduced you children to OM. That is disgraceful behaviour. Tell your husband the truth and let him try to find somebody who will love and respect him as you clearly don't

TastyTub Wed 22-Mar-17 18:58:56

Husband seems to know about the affair but is trying to save the marriage. At least read the OP.

This is so messy. It's almost like having 2 separate lives. Are you still in the affair?

You have to end your marriage despite what your family say, you just don't love him.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 22-Mar-17 18:59:06

You should leave your husband. Irrespective of what happens with the other man, your marriage is very clearly over.

iremembericod Wed 22-Mar-17 19:06:53

The mind boggles as to what you were BOTH thinking when you had such a long distance marriage for so many years - from what you have said you saw each other 20 ish times in 7 years?!?!

I don't think either of you were committed to the marriage.

I'd be surprised if your husband weren't having affairs too. It's just an untenable setup. What was the point?

Confrm Wed 22-Mar-17 20:02:44

I will summon the courage to tell him the truth about the affair. It was a shameful act, bringing kids into the mess I created.

Confrm Wed 22-Mar-17 20:08:57

@ Cricrichan, we both agreed to relocate and set up timelines for his business out there. Unfortunately, it took a while for the business to take off and he kept making me believe that the business was getting better. Two years into the long distance relationship, I expressed my concerns and fear but he kept reassuring me that this move was for the best interest of the family. Its a shameful act on my end and I feel awful for hurting him this way.

Confrm Wed 22-Mar-17 20:13:49

@ Tastytub, I told him I wanted to leave but he strongly believes we can salvage the marriage. I cut off the affair 3 months ago to work on our marriage but its seems very hard. I feel a great share of guilt but he feels we can get through this hump in our marriage.

BitchQueen90 Wed 22-Mar-17 20:23:49

So you both agreed to relocate to your home country. He went out there to try and set up the business so you could move and in return you had an affair for a number of years and introduced your husband's children to this man and lied to your husband about it.

Leave him. He can do better than you. And the fact that you brought kids into it is disgusting IMO.

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