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How best to help?

(5 Posts)
Sylvannas Wed 22-Mar-17 16:24:12

Hi everyone. I'm after some advice. It's a bit of a long one so I'll keep it as brief as possible and try not to drip feed.

My cousin is in her late twenties, I'm very close to my cousin, like another sister.

She has been with her boyfriend for 3 years.
Basically she's miserable...he's the cause. She won't admit to herself that he's the cause and blames all of her other circumstances on why she's so unhappy.

This guy is unbelievable. Tight with money, a compulsive hoarder, emotionally abusive.
A few examples of his behaviour include but are not limited to..

Turning up for a bbq at my parents house, brings JD and beer, drinks everyone else's booze and takes his home with him.

Does rounds in the pub, waits to be the last one to get the drinks in, then leaves when it's his round. (He does this every time)

Actively goes out the house looking for coins people have dropped and puts them onto a spreadsheet when he gets home.

Has NEVER changed his duvet and it stinks, when her parents brought them a new one he accused her parents of interfering in their relationship.

My cousin bought a pie on a night out, she shared it with him, she goes to take the last bite and he snatches it from her and forces it into her mouth saying she's greedy for taking the last bite.

Has a spreadsheet detailing money she owes him that she's never seen yet he insists she owes him but wont explain why. (Dispite her shelling out £500 for a holiday for them which he never contributed to)

Tells her she needs to lose weight on a regular basis.

On her way home from work told her to walk for an extra 30 mins to tesco to buy mushrooms instead of going to sainsburys (which was en route home) as they were 10p cheaper there.

I could seriously go on for pages..

This guy will never change. It's her first relationship and she desperately wants marriage and children. He keeps her sweet by telling her he wants that too. But nothing ever happens. The rest of the family have got the measure of him. He won't want the expense of a wedding or children, he certainly won't support her when she goes part time to take care of the children.

It's getting to the point where I feel she will waste all her good years on his guy and when she finally realises and leaves him it'll be too late for all the things she wants in life.

We've tried being honest with her but it just pushes her further away. As despite the way he is, she loves him.

Does anybody have any experience with people like this? Any suggestions at all as to how we can help her?

Materdolores Wed 22-Mar-17 17:29:32

I've met a couple of people down through the years who were astoundingly mean. I cannot bear them. It is such a heart crushing fault, I ended up just walking away. Every time. I wouldn't want to be involved by anyone like this.

Adora10 Wed 22-Mar-17 17:34:12

She obviously can tolerate all his crap qualities then; you should be glad he's not wanting to marry her; he's saving her making a complete fool of herself there.

Why she can't see it is anyone's guess; she must be getting something out of it or she'd surely say or do something about it; the fact she wants to marry him confirms this.

Everyone is different; the way he is, I wouldn't want that for myself but if she's of sound mind; you have to accept it's HER decision.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 22-Mar-17 20:02:54

Don't talk about him or the relationship at all, you'll just drive her away or closer to him bitter experience. Do help her to find her self-esteem. She must have a very very low opinion of herself. She has to decide for herself that she is worth more than this.

Sylvannas Wed 22-Mar-17 20:45:13

Yes she does have a very low self esteem. Has trouble socially so I don't think she believes she can get anyone else. She's a pretty girl and she can definitely do better.

She just needs to believe it herself.

Sadly on the rare occasions she's out on her own without him at family gatherings and we start to make headway, she goes home to him and back tracks.

We've made it clear we are always here for her.

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