Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Its offically over and wobbly agian

(33 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Wed 22-Mar-17 13:25:10

So to keep the background short and simplified nearly two years ago my ex had an affair and left me and my kids (boy 6 months old and girl 4 years old at the time) and moved 100 miles away to be back where she comes from with this other man (her far older step cousin). I loved her so much and would have forgiven her anything but for her she did not want that life with me and the kids. A lot has happened since then. I have had to re-evaluate life and my perception on the world and relationships have changed massively. I also maybe understand my ex better than ever now. It has been a horrible ride but an enlightening one too. Turns out she has played a lot of emotional mind games over the years and the way in which she did things hurt me a lot. I have forgiven her and we are friends now. I think we are doing the best by the kids considering the situation.

For her things have turned out poorly (maybe Karma). The other man was a horrible waste of space and just totally used her and took advantage of her. She is now alone and has little. Like I said we are now friends and we chatted when she was down for my sons 2nd birthday the other day. Later she text me and apologised for everything she's done. Not once has she ever apologised for all she has put me and the kids though before. To be honest that meant a lot to me for her to actually admit what she has done. She then hinted that she thinks her actions were down to depression/possible Postnatal depression. She then went on further to say she still had feelings for me but she understands if its too late for me.

Today I got a letter though to say the Decree Absolute is complete. I have done so well but to be honest this coming though mixed with what she said to me last has hit me. I am having a bit of an emotional wobble right now its fair to say.

Bones2017 Wed 22-Mar-17 13:43:20

You sound like you've done amazingly! And don't wobble! You're better off! Any woman who can walk away from her kids for an affair doesn't deserve them!
Keep pushing forward. You're an amazing father. X

Cricrichan Wed 22-Mar-17 13:43:26

I think that you've moved on and that you're better off without her. She left her kids. She hurt you and player games during your relationship. I think she's trying to win you back because she's in a bad position at the moment and you can make her life easier. It's unlikely to last though and if you get back together then you run the risk of her taking the children next time she runs off.

Adora10 Wed 22-Mar-17 13:49:19

You are well rid; she is still full of excuses when in fact she choose to leave you and her own kids; you can do a zillion times better than that; you're entitled to a wobble but please, you would be mad to be drawn back into her mind games.

inlectorecumbit Wed 22-Mar-17 13:52:24

Nope nope and nope. don't go there again.
I have read and never posted 1dad and have been in awe how well you have coped in a horrible situation. I think regardless of what your exW has said, you should/would feel mixed emotions with the arrival of the Decree Absolute, it is the final nail in the coffin of what started out to be a new life together and the realisation that it is all over, finished, the end of a dream.
However in the cold light of day Turns out she has played a lot of emotional mind games over the years and the way in which she did things hurt me a lot shows that the relationship wasn't as good as you thought it was although you were unable to recognise it at the time and also the blaming of She then she thinks her actions were down to depression/possible Postnatal depression. are excuses for her behaviour.
She wants to come back as she now has nothing. No relationship with OM, no DH and no family. She has chucked it all away.
Please please take a step back and see this for what it is. You can be friends and co parent well without being in a relationship.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 22-Mar-17 13:52:56

Hey 1DAD.

I've seen a few of your posts from time to time.

I think it's natural to have a wobble. The divorce makes everything very final. You are mourning for a marriage you built your hopes and dreams on. I think it's akin to grieving to be honest. Also I think relief sometimes washes the stress out of your system.

I'm waiting for my final hearing date and it's two months away. I find myself tense with stress and frustration, I just want it over, I want my life back. But I also know that I didn't want to fail at my marriage. It's a lot of mental and physical tension to hold for such a long time.

Mixed with that you've watched you ex throw away responsibility and opportunities with her children for someone you could see as a waste of space, but she couldn't. And you were powerless to go anything. You've also had to adjust to so much in your new journey as a single parent.

It's a move on that she's apologised, but I think for me it would be too little too late and I couldn't trust someone who made such a fantastically selfish move in the goal of personal satisfaction. I would never feel settled and trustful and I would really be protective of my children in fear of another bout of abandonment.

Hopefully you can continue the friendship, but I would gently suggest she takes some counselling for her thoughts on PND, continue to build a good relationship with her children and wish her well in her life.

HmmOkay Wed 22-Mar-17 13:53:02

I think she's only sorry because this man treated her badly and left her. And that has given her time to think about losing her family.

When she was happily living with this man she wasn't sorry at all. That says it all.

JustSpeakSense Wed 22-Mar-17 14:45:09

If this man hadn't turned out to be a waste of space would she be apologising and admitting to still having feelings for you?

No.

You are fully entitled to a wobble, but don't undermine the amazing job you have done for yourself and your DC. Keep listening to her actions, and let her insincere words wash over you.

Holland00 Wed 22-Mar-17 15:17:58

I agree, i think a wobble is completely normal.
JustSpeakSense says it as I see it, if her new life had turned out to be wonderful, would she have been sorry?

You seem to be doing really well, it must have taken real strength to get as far as you have.

TheNaze73 Wed 22-Mar-17 15:42:24

You're doing great.

You're allowed to wobble even if you are moving on to better & brighter things. Even in apologising, she's making excuses

fallenempires Wed 22-Mar-17 15:51:44

I can remember some of your other threads too.It's completely natural to feel a mixture of emotions when the absolute is granted regardless of the circumstances of the divorce.You come across as a good family man and naturally you want to do the best for your dcs.Wishing you all the very best in the future.smile

SandyY2K Wed 22-Mar-17 15:53:57

I think she's only sorry because this man treated her badly and left her.

This ^^again and again.

She's sorry it didn't work out with him and she realises that she threw away a good marriage.

It's taken her this lone to utter an apology... Don't let her get back or she'll only do it again.

You deserve 100 times better than her.

fallenempires Wed 22-Mar-17 15:58:48

Sandy is spot on,don't be sucked in.

Sickofthisalready Wed 22-Mar-17 16:54:46

I wish my DS's dad was half the man you are. Please do not let her back into your life.

I cannot fathom how any parent can leave their children. I miss my DS on the days I have to work and hes at nursery!!! my life would not be worth living without him.

If she worms her way back in and then leaves again think what that would do to your children.

You deserve someone so much better than her

BoringUsername17 Wed 22-Mar-17 17:07:13

I'm so sorry OPflowers for what she has put you through.
It's completely understandable to wobble. It is natural to mourn the loss of a relationship even if you don't want the person back. It doesn't mean you do want them back though.
My ex treated me badly for years but I still miss him, I wish I didn't. Hopefully it will get better.

LilyLavender Wed 22-Mar-17 17:44:29

Wobble but don't fall for it. Be strong.

Foxysoxy01 Wed 22-Mar-17 18:00:41

As others have said if the other man had turned out to be lovely then she wouldn't be apologising to you and would probably be seeing a lot less of your children! What happens if she decides the grass is greener again?

Please don't under value yourself you are worth so much more than second best.

1DAD2KIDS Thu 23-Mar-17 01:01:17

Just to put everyone's mind at ease I have no intentions of getting back with her. Although I do still feel a certain level of care towards her there is no romantic feeling from me. But today has dragged up lots of emotions.

A heavy reignited feeling of lose and tragedy. It's official I have lost my wife and former best friend. The kids and I have lost the family life they deserve. It just seem so tragic that things should end like that. I thought we would survive anything and grow old together.

Still feeling betrayed. Not so much the affair, humans make mistakes I get that and can forgive that. But the fact that she abadoned me and gave up on me, that still hurts. I knew she was difficult when I married her but I loved her all the same. Over the years I put up with a lot of shit from her. But of course we had lots of happy times too. I married her for better or worse. Everthing worked for was for her and our family. I would have always loved her and stood by her. All she needed to do was stand by me and love me back, that all asked.

And now I feel so angry that she would want to try again after snubbing the many times I tried to fix it and offer her a way back home. In a way (probably sounds daft) I wished things had have worked out for her and made her happy. At least then all this destruction and pain would have been for something. In stead she has ripped our family apart, hurt the kids much (they miss her) and broke my heart. All for what? So yes her now wanting back after its way too late really makes me angry. I gave her so many oppertunities to fix all this before it got to this stage.

As to a mother abandoning her kids, I think everyone in our families can see the kids were better of with me and that what my ex says to. So by handing the kids to me she has acted in the kids intrest. But she didn't have to move 100 miles away from the kids? I have to remember that she chose living with the other man over being close to her kids.

Although I know better than to try getting back together I must admit a little part of me was seduced by the idea. When she was round for ds birthday it reminded me how ideally kids are a two person job ideally. For example it was nice that I could prep all the party food while she took ds for a bath. Plus the kids loved having her around. But then I remember the many reasons why it's not a good idea. Mainly the knowlage that she is selfish by nature and I could never trust she wouldn't pull a stunt like this again.

Where do I go for here? Still working that one out? One things for sure I will never have the feeling of going to bed with the one I love every night. Having the kids is the best but I has come at the cost of me being able to have a any deep or cohabiting relationship (well until the kids leave home). That I find a little sad.

HmmOkay Thu 23-Mar-17 10:30:42

The decree absolute has jolted you, bringing back memories of happier times. Give yourself a bit of time to get your head around that.

Most people with young children who split up do go on to have loving relationships with other people. In time. Don't give up on that idea. Love and companionship and teamwork would be a plus to your family, not a negative. Don't close the door to that.

SandyY2K Sat 25-Mar-17 07:26:05

I think sometimes love blinds you to a person's faults. The red flags or warning signs are ignored. You say she was difficult and you took a lot of crap from her. ...the affair just stepped up her level of selfishness.

I wouldn't view it as she gave up on you. It's more that she didn't really think of you and the kids. ...because she was deep in the affair and infatuated with what she though was a better life.

Added to this, she clearly doesn't have that maternal instinct and bond, that would prevent the vast majority of mother's abandoning her children. Leaving a spouse, isn't so unusual, but mothers abandoning their children. ...that says a lot about them.

I understand your feelings, but many people go on to find a new love. Depending on their own situation, they may also prefer not to be in a cohabiting relationship. There are women with kids, either divorced or who have always been a single mum and they want a relationship without the whole living together business.

I understand your children are your top priority, but that shouldn't mean you can't have a loving relationship for yourself. To me that would really be allowing your Ex to ruin that part of your life.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 25-Mar-17 20:25:56

SandyY2K it's fair to say I turned a blind eye to a lot of stuff. She also had a way of making me feel that I was the one at fault. But I married her for better or for worse. I kind of doubt if the idea of marriage is the best idea these days.

HmmOKay I just don't see my life fitting into any sort of conventional relationship. My calendar is rammed and often the weekends I am kid free i am also working. Also i wouldnt want to merge families. It seems that any one I would be intrested in are either single parents or would want kids down the line. Also any single parent like me would be likewise as busy. Therefore 2 busy single parents would be a nightmare logisticly. My situation seems out of sync with the rest of the world. I know it's a generalisation but it seems that most women have the kids and men have got the freedom to get with other women. Like I said 2 single parents finding the time to be together is real hard. I wouldn't change having the kids for anything but it does limit me.

The ex is staying over the weekend (stays occasionly in the spare room to cut her traveling costs and maximise her time with the kids). As normal I am working lates this weekend. We did spend a nice day out together with the kids. I know that I defintely I have no romantic feeling for her. But it's great that we get on and work well together for the kids. I really shouldn't complain because as divorces go it probably couldn't of gone any better I guess.

I just hate that when I have told people close to me that divorce has come through they say stuff like congratulations. It doesn't feel like anything to celebrate me! It's not a victory, it's a tragedy, a failure (especially for the kids). The divorce and clean break order where mainly an exercise in damage limitation.

SewMeARiver Sun 26-Mar-17 06:16:28

Hmm.....I cannot imagine what you're going through as I haven't experienced a divorce. But thus far you seem to have handled the whole thing with dignity and grace, and everything you're feeling, the anger the hurt, the uncertainty, I'm sure is perfectly normal.

But a note of caution (and feel free to ignore this) despite your protestations, I pick up in your posts a little sense of yearning. I'm not sure if its just me interpreting things wrongly, however despite your words to the contrary, I do feel that you still have just a little bit of unresolved feelings and I think she knows it.

She knows that you are a good guy, she knows that 'she's done shit' in the past that you have eventually got over. You didn't just love your wife in that 'in love' sense you loved her in priniciple, and if you do not put firm boundaries in place she will use the 'rightness' of you being a 2 parent family, kids having their mum, (aided by mental difficulty for you of thinking of dating again) to slowly get back in.

Basically she knows you are motivated and love to do what is right and also best for kids. And that's what she's going to depend on.

Going out together with kids? Nooooooo. Not good. Staying over at weekends, whether you are back late or not again no. Well not at this time.

You need firmer boundaries. This is just my opinion and not badly meant. I wish you and your family the best. You sound great.

chitofftheshovel Sun 26-Mar-17 09:19:52

1dad2kids I'd just like to say divorce is not a failure. It is far, far better for your children to live with one content parent than two people at loggerheads. My parents divorced when I was 5, my cousins parents stayed together "for the kids", but separated when the youngest left home. I've always had the feeling my cousins feel their childhood was a lie.

Yes it can be easier having two adults to help. When it works it's great. But if it can't be consistently relied upon it is much easier to just get on and do it yourself. In fact I find it easier on my own, I'm not let down, don't have expectations and just know I have to do it all.

If you are happy having ex in your house, going on day trips as a family and you really feel it benefits your children, continue to do so.

It's tough being on your own with kids. But it's infinitely better than being in a shit relationship. I hope you can find some peace with your situation.

1DAD2KIDS Fri 31-Mar-17 21:08:07

Sorry for late reply, working my nuts off at late.

SewMeARiver I think your right maybe a bit of yearning from within. No so much for my ex as a person more for the family life we had. I know the way me and my ex do things is not conventional but I think it works well for us and the kids. It like that we can do things together with the kids and share special moments as parents such as birthdays and Christmas. We explain to dd that we are not together anymore but are both her parents and want to share in her and her brothers special moments.

As to my ex's hinting of having her back I nipped that in the bud streight away. And to be fair said knows it was not likely and she is just really glad we can still be freinds after what she did. In my mind dispite my feeling of loss she is never coming back. The woman she is today and anything she has to offer is a corrupt venture, fools gold. That loss is exactly that, loss, gone. But hopefully we can mold a positive parenting friendship out of it. At the end of the day the kids are still a bond we share. The kids are a common passion and we are always talking about what they been upto and how their doing. I am so proud of the kids so it's only natural to want to share what they been upto.

chitofftheshovel thanks for you insight. It's hard for me not to see it as a failure. Sometimes I can find it hard to accept something I can't fix; I'm a fixer by nature. Life and experience has shown me that if you put enough effort in and work at something nothing is impossible to fix or get. This i why I have got to where I am in life today. When something is important to me I don't give up. I tried to fix this, I put unbelievable amounts for effort and stress to save our family. I didn't just give up on her and let anger shut her out, I tried to offer her ways back in. So for me to come to a point were I can't fix something is almost a shock to my core beliefs. It was a sad but liberating day when I finally wrote my ex off and started damage limitation.

I like that I get time/holidays away with the kids on my own and I like that sometimes we enjoy time with the kids together. Maybe in some respects we have the best of both worlds. She has yet to take the kids on a proper holiday just by her self. She is taking dd away (not ds, he's only 2) for a few days in summer but to be honest I don't think she could handle both kids alone. The kids are very good too. She loves them but if I am honest I just don't think she cut out for it alone. I think she know that too.

I don't know what the future holds. I think in reflection things are going well all things considering. But it doesn't mean I still don't have low points and emotional hiccups. Sometimes it still feels like the rug was pulled streight from under my feet without warning.

SandyY2K Sat 01-Apr-17 23:14:01

@1DAD2KIDS
You're a really good dad. My philosophy in life, is that we can only control our own actions. We can't change others , but we can adjust our response to how they behave. You did that in the end .

I think the problem you have unlike most divorced couples, is your Ex never has the kids on her own on her own place. You don't really get a break from them

Do you kids not spend any time with grandparents? or with Aunties or Uncles?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now