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"Surrendering" to your femininity... Have you done this/ do you do this?

(184 Posts)
MoreSacredDance Wed 22-Mar-17 10:05:31

Name change because this could be a bit "outing" put together with some other posts of mine.

My husband and I are currently going through the toughest period of our marriage. I am hopeful and positive though, because we both love each other very much and want to stay together.

In short, he feels emasculated and this has filtered into lots of different parts of our relationship, including a much reduced sex life. I accept that my behaviour have led to or worsened this. My job means I have to be strong, confident and in control. I have probably attempted to use a lot of the "tools" I employ to succeed at work within our marriage, and that has NOT worked well. I see that now.

I watched John Wineland's "What Men Crave" ten minute talk and it was like a lightbulb moment. My husband has actually told me all these things, just in different ways that I didn't take time to listen to and understand.

I don't think it's a bad thing for a husband to want to lead or feel like a hero or all those other cheesy things. Especially if that is what he feels is missing in his marriage. I think it IS possible for me to surrender to my femininity while still being strong, assured and confident. Submission and surrender are different in my eyes now. Deep down, I actually do want to surrender at times as I am exhausted from constantly fighting to control every little thing.

But how do I do this? Has anyone else recognised this and actively made this change? I'm not even sure where to start in a practical sense.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Wed 22-Mar-17 10:07:26

Can you sum up 'what men crave'/what it is your husband has told you he wants in different ways?

Gallavich Wed 22-Mar-17 10:09:16


IfNotNowThenWhenever Wed 22-Mar-17 10:09:24

Ditch him and get a real man whose dick doesn't wilt because a women is strong and confident.

honeysucklejasmine Wed 22-Mar-17 10:10:12

A marriage is a partnership. By all means, be less dominating if you feel you are, but don't swing the other way. You need to be equals.

TisapityshesaGeordie Wed 22-Mar-17 10:10:16


MiriamWebster Wed 22-Mar-17 10:11:51

Are you American?


Gowgirl Wed 22-Mar-17 10:12:57

Don't really understand what you will be doing....

Destinysdaughter Wed 22-Mar-17 10:12:59

What does 'he feels emasculated' actually mean?

MiriamWebster Wed 22-Mar-17 10:13:13

Why would you equate "femininity" with not being strong and assertive confused

JigglyTuff Wed 22-Mar-17 10:14:37

You're married to a misogynist arsehole.

dangerrabbit Wed 22-Mar-17 10:15:13

Can you give some specific examples of what your DH finds difficult and what you were thinking of doing?

FinallyHere Wed 22-Mar-17 10:15:12


Sounds a lot like pandering to his weaknesses. Please don't go there, it will not end well.

MoreSacredDance Wed 22-Mar-17 10:16:33

How helpful, Gallavich! It's not acceptable for men to also explain what makes them happy? Especially within a loving marriage?

DoesAnyone - Will try to sum it up without being too long! Basically I think he feels like he has no space to be decisive or to lead anything in our marriage. So he feels that I don't trust him because I do or decide most things. I'm not often vulnerable and in fact, probably very much the opposite. So he never has the chance to "protect" me.

I realise this is going to be inflammatory to some as it sounds a bit sexist. I've come past that knee-jerk reaction though, and am actually starting to understand his feelings a bit better.

alltouchedout Wed 22-Mar-17 10:18:45

Sorry, I have tried typing a proper response four times and I just can't do it without descending into spluttering and swearing.

Why the fuck would you want to 'surrender' to someone so weak and pathetic that they cannot deal with having a partner who is strong, confident and in control? Why?

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Wed 22-Mar-17 10:18:56

I hate to point out the obvious, but can you not just be equal partners, and take decisions jointly?

Do you have children?

usefultoken Wed 22-Mar-17 10:19:01

Mumsnet is not a great place to discuss this, but it's a yes from me, in the context of me being the higher wage earner etc so maybe similar situation. I believe in men and women being equal but different. I tried to pm you but couldn't seem to do it on my phone. I don't predict this thread will go too well but happy to discuss further if you want to pm me. I think I'll have to name change now!

CJCreggsGoldfish Wed 22-Mar-17 10:19:24

Fuck that! Why is it you have to change? It doesn't sound as though you're doing anything wrong. If you're in control of everything it seems as though he's not really fulfilling his half of the partnership. If he's not happy, then he needs to step shouldn't have to alter the way you are to accommodate his fragile ego.

BreatheDeep Wed 22-Mar-17 10:24:27

Hmm, I think I understand what you're trying to say. He feels like he isn't relevant in the relationship as you make all the decisions and have control. I don't think that's anything to do with masculinity or femininity though. You need to be equals and make decisions together. Neither of you should be in control.

MattBerrysHair Wed 22-Mar-17 10:25:07

Do you control financial and household related stuff? In my experience a person is often forced into doing so because the other person doesn't pull their weight. Perhaps he needs to alter his behaviour before you alter yours?

MoreSacredDance Wed 22-Mar-17 10:25:29

Useful - This is exactly it. Of course we are equal in terms of our contributions or value within our marriage. But I understand what we need from each other is very different.

I am starting to see this might not be the best place to get balanced opinions and maybe I've come to the wrong place for support, especially at this time. Will read through the next couple of replies though as I am open to others opinions (if they are respectful!).

AssassinatedBeauty Wed 22-Mar-17 10:26:09

It's not what "men" want it's what he wants, as a person, from you in your marriage. I think it's wrong for him to try and solve his issues by asking you to change who you are.

Why does anyone have to lead in a relationship? Or submit or surrender? It's not a battle for dominance. It should be a joint enterprise between equals.

BoringUsername17 Wed 22-Mar-17 10:29:41

My ex was like this

That's why he's my ex

MiriamWebster Wed 22-Mar-17 10:29:46

If you are a control freak then he may feel dis-empowered in the relationship but that has nothing to do with masculinity/femininity. It just means that you need to make joint decisions.

I don't feel like either of us is in control in our relationship - we make joint decisions as that is what makes sense.

BToperator Wed 22-Mar-17 10:36:46

Is your marriage a battle? If not why do you need to surrender? What your DH seems to want does not sound like the basis for a healthy relationship. It sounds very much like he wants you to give up being strong and independent, and accept your role as the little delicate woman. Personally I could never accept that.

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