I'm a first time poster, so please be gentle. Sorry for a longish post. I know others are/have been going through this same issue and many of you have heard all this before but a month ago my DH told me that he hasn't been happy for ages and that he thinks we're over. We're still living in the same house and we've done a lot of talking in the last month but I really don't think it is doing us any good.
The situation is complicated by the fact he's been very sick for a few months, although after lots of tests that have all come back negative it looks as though all of his physical symptoms have been caused by stress. The stress has been caused by several factors (eg, work) but also (mainly perhaps) by keeping quiet about how he really feels about us. His mental health took a nosedive once he came clean to me. A full breakdown. He's been suicidal several times too.
I've gone from thinking he could be seriously ill, to him wanting to leave me, and to him wanting to die.
He says our relationship has been bad for ages. Looking back I can understand what he's saying, although I would have said there have been bad situations and normal life pressures that have got in our way and that I thought that our connection and our love for each other were still really good. He seems to blame me for not noticing how unhappy he was but I can't believe he could see issues between us and not talk to me about them. Anyway, now we're stuck because he won't address any of our relationship issues until he has improved his own mental health. This seems reasonable except in the meantime I have to put up and shut up while the executioner stands behind me all the time. I feel totally trapped because he says there isn't a single thing I can do to put things right at the moment so the only options I have are to either keep swallowing my words and trying to smile and hope he gets better and that we can sort it out or I ask him to leave while he is mentally ill and suicidal.
During our discussions about what has gone wrong some really, really painful things have come to the surface but they can't be dealt with due to his state and I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.
We don't have any DC (this is one of our issues but at least there are no little ones going through this with us right now).
He swears there is no OW but by having read other threads I think lots of you will say there's always an OW...I am pretty sure there isn't anyone at the moment and there has been so much brutal honesty between us I think it would have come out by now. That said, he does spend most evenings chatting on FB and being quite defensive about it, so I guess something's a bit fishy.
I feel like I have already gone through the five stages of grief and that I've reached 'acceptance'. Somehow this thought seems to give me comfort but I know I'm still trapped in a pretty hopeless and toxic situation.
Any advice?
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Relationships
20 years and he thinks it is over. Please help
LilyLavender · 21/03/2017 23:57
Do people in the middle of a breakdown, really spend their evenings chatting on Facebook? 
It sounds like it might be better for both of you to have some time living separately while this plays out - would that be possible? Or at least live separately in the same house, so you both have space to think.
I'm so sorry, OP, what a terrible shock for you - he's had so much longer to get used to the idea.
I think you need to gird your loins and ask him to move out as soon as possible. It sounds as though there could be an OW or that he is casting his eye around for one at least. But in the meantime he is using you as a crutch that will be cast aside once he feels well enough. That's not fair on you.
I don't think it's worth you worrying about whether there is anything you could or should do to fix the relationship, he doesn't sound like someone who wants you to try. At the moment you get nothing out of this. He tells you he wants to break up, he's depressed, ill and occasionally suicidal, that may be compounded by his feeling stuck in a relationship that is past its sell by date but he is doing nothing to help himself by changing his situation.
So you get to live in limbo with someone who no longer loves you in the way he should and you are supposed to just sit patiently and wait for him to decide what he is going to do about it, while his low mood drags you down? 
I think you need to take control of this.
for you.Chatting on Facebook doesn't really tie in with a mental breakdown tbh. I think he's found a good way to make you shut up and leave him alone.
I would tell him that he's unlikely to recover in a situation he no longer wants, so for his own sake he has to move out.
He has no issues with destroying your mental health - so you are going to have to look after yourself.
My dh has had a number of breakdowns - sorry, but your dh's sounds incredibly 'handy' - it's happening at the exact time he chose to crap on you! Amazing timing! It sounds more like manipulation - he doesn't want to have these painful conversations with you - poof! 'Breakdown!' - conversations halted.
Winner. 
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