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20 years and he thinks it is over. Please help

(52 Posts)
LilyLavender Tue 21-Mar-17 23:57:43

I'm a first time poster, so please be gentle. Sorry for a longish post. I know others are/have been going through this same issue and many of you have heard all this before but a month ago my DH told me that he hasn't been happy for ages and that he thinks we're over. We're still living in the same house and we've done a lot of talking in the last month but I really don't think it is doing us any good.
The situation is complicated by the fact he's been very sick for a few months, although after lots of tests that have all come back negative it looks as though all of his physical symptoms have been caused by stress. The stress has been caused by several factors (eg, work) but also (mainly perhaps) by keeping quiet about how he really feels about us. His mental health took a nosedive once he came clean to me. A full breakdown. He's been suicidal several times too.
I've gone from thinking he could be seriously ill, to him wanting to leave me, and to him wanting to die.
He says our relationship has been bad for ages. Looking back I can understand what he's saying, although I would have said there have been bad situations and normal life pressures that have got in our way and that I thought that our connection and our love for each other were still really good. He seems to blame me for not noticing how unhappy he was but I can't believe he could see issues between us and not talk to me about them. Anyway, now we're stuck because he won't address any of our relationship issues until he has improved his own mental health. This seems reasonable except in the meantime I have to put up and shut up while the executioner stands behind me all the time. I feel totally trapped because he says there isn't a single thing I can do to put things right at the moment so the only options I have are to either keep swallowing my words and trying to smile and hope he gets better and that we can sort it out or I ask him to leave while he is mentally ill and suicidal.
During our discussions about what has gone wrong some really, really painful things have come to the surface but they can't be dealt with due to his state and I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.
We don't have any DC (this is one of our issues but at least there are no little ones going through this with us right now).
He swears there is no OW but by having read other threads I think lots of you will say there's always an OW...I am pretty sure there isn't anyone at the moment and there has been so much brutal honesty between us I think it would have come out by now. That said, he does spend most evenings chatting on FB and being quite defensive about it, so I guess something's a bit fishy.
I feel like I have already gone through the five stages of grief and that I've reached 'acceptance'. Somehow this thought seems to give me comfort but I know I'm still trapped in a pretty hopeless and toxic situation.
Any advice?

ExitPursuedByUser54321 Tue 21-Mar-17 23:59:58

What do you want?

Darlink Wed 22-Mar-17 00:04:48

What do you want ?
It's bullshit to say there is ALWAYS another woman, by the way

Walkacrossthesand Wed 22-Mar-17 00:14:22

Do people in the middle of a breakdown, really spend their evenings chatting on Facebook? confused

It sounds like it might be better for both of you to have some time living separately while this plays out - would that be possible? Or at least live separately in the same house, so you both have space to think.

I'm so sorry, OP, what a terrible shock for you - he's had so much longer to get used to the idea.

LilyLavender Wed 22-Mar-17 00:17:05

I want to move forward. Not be stuck like It is now. I think we're in danger of destroying what might be left.
Nice to know there isn't always an OW!

numberseven Wed 22-Mar-17 03:42:09

He swears there is no OW but by having read other threads I think lots of you will say there's always an OW...I am pretty sure there isn't anyone at the moment and there has been so much brutal honesty between us I think it would have come out by now. That said, he does spend most evenings chatting on FB and being quite defensive about it, so I guess something's a bit fishy.

There's probably an OW.

ChristinaParsons Wed 22-Mar-17 04:52:07

OW my first thought too
You cannot live like this it will drive you mad

FrenchLavender Wed 22-Mar-17 05:24:04

I think you need to gird your loins and ask him to move out as soon as possible. It sounds as though there could be an OW or that he is casting his eye around for one at least. But in the meantime he is using you as a crutch that will be cast aside once he feels well enough. That's not fair on you.

I don't think it's worth you worrying about whether there is anything you could or should do to fix the relationship, he doesn't sound like someone who wants you to try. At the moment you get nothing out of this. He tells you he wants to break up, he's depressed, ill and occasionally suicidal, that may be compounded by his feeling stuck in a relationship that is past its sell by date but he is doing nothing to help himself by changing his situation.

So you get to live in limbo with someone who no longer loves you in the way he should and you are supposed to just sit patiently and wait for him to decide what he is going to do about it, while his low mood drags you down? confusedhmm

I think you need to take control of this.

highinthesky Wed 22-Mar-17 05:36:50

This is not healthy for you.

Time apart will help to a degree, but it won't stop you worrying about the state of your relationship. What will?

Startoftheyear2017 Wed 22-Mar-17 05:43:55

Sorry you're going through this 🌷

What about your mental health? Does that not count?

Mrsfluff Wed 22-Mar-17 05:57:42

I was you a year ago. There was another woman. It was very hard, but I'm now through the other side and happier than I've been in years.

SnugglyBedSocks Wed 22-Mar-17 06:00:42

It's all about him and what he wants. But depression can be a very selfish illness and makes the person only see their needs as they cope with anything else.

But....you need to now think about you.

Are you still doing all the cooking, washing etc for him? If so stop. He has told you that He doesn't want to be with you and so he can do his own stuff.

Either you or him move into another bedroom.

SnugglyBedSocks Wed 22-Mar-17 06:01:45

as they CAN'T cope with anything else

feedingducks Wed 22-Mar-17 06:10:28

I think you need to look after number 1. Clearly hes ahead of you emotionally and has checked out of you relaionship whilst youre wondering whats going on like a rabbits in headlights. Look to yourself financially and how you could cope alone. Then ask him to leave until he knows what he wants. Yes you love him and want to help but he needs to want to save the relationship and it doesnt sound like he does

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 22-Mar-17 06:20:40

Your mental health is suffering. You could end up feeling like he says he feels if you're not careful. He's dangling you on a string because of his mental health. It really is all about him, isn't it? I really think you need to put yourself first and ask him to leave and sort himself out. You're not some booby prize and an on tap hanky.

Gallavich Wed 22-Mar-17 06:21:13

I think you need to plan your separation. You can't go on like this indefinitely

ivykaty44 Wed 22-Mar-17 06:29:01

Sitting chatting on fb every evening is never going to promote a healthy relationship

What do you want?

Apart from being a whopping boy, which is what you are at the moment, and awful position to have been placed in.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 22-Mar-17 06:40:03

Regardless of whether he's depressed he can't tell you to sit quietly while he makes you suffer. He needs to do something, anything to move things forward or you need to leave.

tribpot Wed 22-Mar-17 06:42:34

This is the thing that stood out for me: he won't address any of our relationship issues until he has improved his own mental health. How convenient for him.

I would, however, take him as his word and have a trial separation. So that he can work on his issues and you can feel peace in your own home. If he's genuinely suicidal he needs to be supported by his mental health team - and no-one can prevent him from going through with that if he really wants to.

Why can't you move out, rather than him?

Shayelle Wed 22-Mar-17 06:47:17

flowers for you.

coolaschmoola Wed 22-Mar-17 06:50:09

Chatting on Facebook doesn't really tie in with a mental breakdown tbh. I think he's found a good way to make you shut up and leave him alone.

I would tell him that he's unlikely to recover in a situation he no longer wants, so for his own sake he has to move out.

He has no issues with destroying your mental health - so you are going to have to look after yourself.

My dh has had a number of breakdowns - sorry, but your dh's sounds incredibly 'handy' - it's happening at the exact time he chose to crap on you! Amazing timing! It sounds more like manipulation - he doesn't want to have these painful conversations with you - poof! 'Breakdown!' - conversations halted.

Winner. angry

LilyLavender Wed 22-Mar-17 08:13:43

Thank you for all your replies. Your support is very comforting.
If he hadn't threatened suicide I would definitely have asked him to leave by now. I'm just worried that if I do chuck him out I'll get a knock on the door saying they've found his body somewhere...and then I get to live the rest of my life feeling responsible.
Some of you have asked why I haven't left and it is true I could easily leave but we have pets and I don't want to leave them with him when he can't even look after himself.
We moved to our house a couple of years ago and we've been doing it up ever since (another stressor for him) but we have now agreed that it needs to be finished and on the market in the summer (June/July). That is the only thing we have managed to agree so far. I feel like I need his help to make sure it gets finished.
The chatting on FB every night is so annoying. He knows it annoys me and does it anyway. He says that one of our issues is that we don't talk to each other and I say but you're on your laptop all night...he acknowledges it but does nothing to change because at the moment he doesn't want to change anything until he is fixed.
I have started planning for the future because that's all I can do for myself at the moment. I've mentioned a few things to him about this and he gets really upset but what else am I meant to do? I know he has a plan (and a lot of self-pity about how little money he'll have compared to me because I earn a lot more and most of the equity in the house is mine). In fact, whenever I try and talk about how I'm feeling or try and think of solutions to our relationship issues he gets irritable and just goes back to saying he needs to be well first.
Yesterday he said some really painful things and, tbh, even if he is mentally well and then says he wants to try again, I'd still always feel like the executioner is in the room with us waiting to strike the minute he gives the nod.
I suppose I'm opening my eyes to the inevitable.

LilyLavender Wed 22-Mar-17 08:16:33

Mrsfluff, can I ask, how did you find out about OW? Did he deny that his unhappiness had anything to do with an OW at first? How did you get through it? Sorry for the questions. I'm trying to imagine what the other side of this looks like.

OnTheRise Wed 22-Mar-17 08:26:18

If he hadn't threatened suicide I would definitely have asked him to leave by now. I'm just worried that if I do chuck him out I'll get a knock on the door saying they've found his body somewhere...and then I get to live the rest of my life feeling responsible.

If he decided to commit suicide then he would have made that decision, not you, and he would be responsible for it, not you. Not under any circumstances. Please stop torturing yourself like this. Have you considered asking your GP for help here? You can get CBT on the NHS which can be very helpful in sorting out negative thinking patterns like this.

We moved to our house a couple of years ago and we've been doing it up ever since (another stressor for him) but we have now agreed that it needs to be finished and on the market in the summer (June/July). That is the only thing we have managed to agree so far. I feel like I need his help to make sure it gets finished.

Interesting that the one thing he can reach a decision about is selling the house. So he can sort out unraveling a major financial investment and putting himself in a better position there, but he can't sort out talking to you in the evenings.

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