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Cheating on DH

(90 Posts)
PseuDenim Tue 21-Mar-17 23:28:46

I've name changed for this but have been around for a few years and lost fairly regularly (wedding in Maui anyone?).

I started a new job about 5 months ago. Within weeks I felt a very very strong attraction to a colleague. A few weeks later we got drunk and kissed. I am married with DC and he is in a LTR with DC.

Fast forward 5 months and we are definitely having an emotional affair and have had sex twice.

DH and I have been unhappy for a long time and we are in joint counselling (just started).

I know that I have messed up massively but the huge lack of affection from DH makes me so so lonely that I crave someone, anyone, validating me by telling me they love me and fancy me. It's pathetic I know, and I am fully aware of the consequences, let alone the immorality.

But I can't seem to find the strength to just go cold turkey with this man. I know it's going to go nowhere. He has somehow got it so that everything is how he wants it, when he wants it.

But because I am so attracted to him, I seem to just blot out everything else.

Sorry to ramble, just in such a mess. Should I just cut DH loose so that he has a chance, and try and be on my own? Or should I cut the OM out completely and try and focus on the couples counselling to at least try and give the marriage another chance?

Help me please wise MNetters

HappyGoLuckyGirl Tue 21-Mar-17 23:35:37

Cut off the OM and come clean to your husband.

Just the sheer stress of the situation will not be doing you any good, without your marriage already suffering too.

Do the decent thing and think how you would like to be treated.

Babymamamama Tue 21-Mar-17 23:40:52

The fact you have embarked on this at all means you are not happy in your current relationship. It is quite difficult I would imagine for you to make any rational decisions whilst your head is being turned by this colleague. I worry he might be exploiting you if he is calling all the shots. This is not healthy at all for you. I'm not sure what the answer is but please try to protect your emotional wellbeing so that the other man cannot mess with your head too much.

Cricrichan Tue 21-Mar-17 23:47:48

Were you hoping to go from your dh to the OM? But OM just wants an affair?

I think you should finish things with OM and break up with your husband.

JonesTheSteam Tue 21-Mar-17 23:54:02

DH and I have been unhappy a long time.

Define 'a long time'.

It wouldn't be, say, approx 5 months? The same amount of time as your attraction to this man started?

BettyBaggins Tue 21-Mar-17 23:57:41

Job hunt.

SparklyMagpie Wed 22-Mar-17 00:08:01

Let them both go

AnyFucker Wed 22-Mar-17 00:10:00


GutInstinct Wed 22-Mar-17 00:10:50

Ask yourself this OP, if the OM ended the affair tomorrow, would you still want to leave your DH? Because the answer to that question is likely the answer to what you need to do.

If the answer is yes, then you need to leave your DH, cut contact with the OM, and be on your own for a while to find out what you want. But if the answer is no, then you need to cut contact with the OM and continue to work on your marriage.

Affairs are almost always a symptom rather than a cause of issues within a marriage, but this doesn't make them ok or justified. Even if you leave your DH, it's unlikely to work out long-term with the OM, because starting a relationship on the foundations of an affair is fraught with issues such as trust, (if you've deceived someone to be with him then he'll know what you're capable of,) loss of family/friends (people can and do take sides, and even family might not be supportive of your relationship,) it's going to be hard to maintain the happy ever after under those circumstances. Also, does the OM have a partner? In which case you are complicit in deceiving them as well as your own DH.

You talk about the OM but only in terms of attraction. There is no mention of love (even though it would be early for that,) but not even the kind of love which is generally just infatuation, which makes me think that this is more of a confidence boost for you rather than a proper affair where you feel you might want a future with this man. But that doesn't mean you have to stay in your marriage You can still leave, re-discover your own life, and when the time is right you will meet someone who you are free to be with.

AprilTheGiraffe Wed 22-Mar-17 00:19:36

What bollocks.

We all have little crushes from time to time, find people attractive, have little temptations or fantasies.

Decent people don't act on them. Not when they're married or committed.

Consign other man to "what might have been" or leave your husband. Toughen up.

And oddly enough, you never see quotes along the lines of affairs are almost always a symptom rather than a cause of issues within a marriage when a man is doing it to a woman. I don't disagree with the quote at all, for the record, but you don't see it.

OhBlissOhJoy Wed 22-Mar-17 00:21:44

Why are you bothering with counselling when you are having an affair? And blaming his actions for your affair? That seems cruel. Just end it with him. Move on. With or without the man that may or may not go somewhere. Don't have your H as a booby prize if your affair goes nowhere.

bullyhfc Wed 22-Mar-17 00:26:56


RogueBiscuit Wed 22-Mar-17 01:55:48

Your marriage sounds shit. Other man also sounds shit. Get rid of both of them and swap marriage counselling for individual counselling.

kelj2 Wed 22-Mar-17 02:14:45

Cut off the OM especially as you said you know it's going to go now where and give the couples counselling a chance especially since you've only just started

BadRespawn Wed 22-Mar-17 06:05:02

Same standard advice as normal on MN for discovered adultery; tell your partner, have him leave you because he deserves better, advise him to lawyer up and take you for every penny because you clearly never even cared in the first place. Or, as ever, will there be 'mitigating circumstances' because you're a woman yourself and therefore your husband simply must have driven you into the embrace of another man?

What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.

PseuDenim Wed 22-Mar-17 06:24:17

We have been unhappy since youngest DC was born, about three years ago.

Everything said here is right, it's messed up and it's not fair on DH to treat him like this.

I have to focus on mending my marriage and using the lessons from counselling. OM needs to be ditched.

In all honesty, OM isn't making me happy either anyway - I feel very much manipulated by him.

Unicornsandrainbows3 Wed 22-Mar-17 06:31:42

You need to tell him, it should be his decision whether he wants to stay or not.

Launderetta Wed 22-Mar-17 06:37:50

Been there, done that.
OM is a manipulative sh*t.
Stop it & stop it NOW.
Then get a divorce & start with some honesty & self-respect.

tribpot Wed 22-Mar-17 06:49:39

Being in relationship counselling with your DH whilst fucking another man is the unbelievably cuntish behaviour a friend of mine (as the DH) was put through 20 years ago. There he was trying to use the painful experience of counselling to save his marriage whilst she was merrily carrying on her affair throughout. It's deceptive beyond belief.

Neither of these relationships is giving you any genuine fulfilment.

PseuDenim Wed 22-Mar-17 06:50:35

I'm definitely lacking in self respect. I allow OM and DH to walk all over me really. It's to do with craving affection and intimacy.

I do want to give the counselling a chance but I am fully aware that I can't even begin to apply the lessons from it until OM is history.

I'm just scared of what will happen if I commit to my marriage and in doing so sentence myself to years more loneliness and lack of affection.

tribpot Wed 22-Mar-17 06:57:16

But you can't hedge your bets like that.

Either you undertake the counselling sincerely, with the belief that both parties want to work on their issues in order to improve the marriage - and so you are going into it with the aim that the marriage will become less lonely and lacking in affection. Or you're wasting everyone's time and the counselling needs to stop.

Who suggested the counselling? Is it understood that this is a joint process, i.e. both parties will need to change, or is it being used by one party to force change in the other?

Crumbs1 Wed 22-Mar-17 06:57:30

I'd stop saying emotional affair and start saying affair. Seems like you want to trivialise your behaviour and blame everyone but yourself. Lots of people find having babies tough. All marriages go through rough patches when under stress. Doesn't excuse cheating and lying though. You make it sound like you have no control over what you do - which is clearly ridiculous.
You should decide whether you are willing to give the marriage the commitment it needs and your husband the commitment he deserves. If not, then leave as the right thing to do despite it being likely to be worse for you. Your lover is unlikely to follow suit unless caught. Don't go dreaming romantic ever after.

jeaux90 Wed 22-Mar-17 06:58:31

Sounds like the best gift to give yourself at the moment is time out.

The affair is wrong sure but your marriage sounds like it's over.

Being on your own is way better than being in a shit relationship believe me.

jeaux90 Wed 22-Mar-17 06:59:51

Oh and get counselling for yourself to work on your issues.

Crumbs1 Wed 22-Mar-17 07:00:16

Unless its marriage counselling for you both you don't need it - more self indulgent failure to take responsibility for your own behaviour. You need to 'adult up' and start making decisions based on what is right rather than continuing your hedonistic 'me first' attitude.

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