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Not being honest with myself

(26 Posts)
TastyTub Tue 21-Mar-17 22:18:27

I have NC. I feel like I need to write it down because I am not being honest about how I am feeling. Sorry if it's long

I feel so stressed out. Single parent and ex is useless. He pays minimal maintence and has the kids once a week but he is no use as a parent in most other respects other than the basics. I don't even bother involving him in anything anymore because it's a waste of time. All the woman work is my job in his world.

One of my DC hates school and is doing badly. No matter what I say or do nothing seems to be improving.

I hate my job. It's boring and I feel trapped. It pays ok but not enough to get me off relying on some benefits so I always feel skint. I don't have many other skills so I am probably at the top of my 'career'. The limited training opportunities I can access aren't really very appealing subjects and just feel its another burden I will have to take on.

I'm not doing well with my friends either, I don't put enough effort in with them because I am so busy or just drained and I don't seem to have the kind of friends who offer help in any way, so seeing them can feel like another burden of my time that I have to offer up to them. I don't have many left. They don't have DC so they want to party party party which I don't want to do. I have no friends who have children anymore they have all drifted away.

My family are in touch but again I often feel like I am the one doing all the visiting and the effort. No one ever visits me but if I ask for babysitting they will help. I don't ask often. Even that feels stressful to organise and anyway, I don't have anywhere to go.

My house is a tip and it feels stressful keeping on top of it by myself. Loads of things need fixing which I don't know how to do or can't afford. I'm always scraping by or making do.

I have a boyfriend and we don't live together. He is lovely. I don't really show him a lot of how much this is getting on top of me because I feel like it's just pathetic and draining. Not much he can do to help. While I am feeling like this I just feel that I am a burden on him so I push him away.

I've been using a work flirtation as a distraction. It is just a flirtation and will not go any further because that would be adding another burden and guilt and all sorts that I don't want. it's a mental escape from an otherwise dull, Groundhog Day life. I over eat constantly and am overweight. I have £1k credit card debt I can't clear and a bad credit rating from a few years back. My food cupboards and fridge are always chaotic and I can't seem to get a grip of planning meals or making DC eat fruit and veg.

I'm not depressed I don't thin yet at least. I've been there before a few times and just felt numb. This feels like giant heavy weights that I can't shift and I don't know where to begin. When I do feel like I am making headway it's never enough. I'm weak so I give up easily. From the outside acquaintances say things like 'aren't you amazing! I don't know how you do it' and they don't know I am only just scraping by with everything

So I am a crap parent, a crap friend, a crap employee, a crap daughter, a crap home maker and a really crappy girlfriend. I don't even like my cat very much so I am a crap pet owner too

TimelessReality Tue 21-Mar-17 22:22:54

Kitties can be mercurial, so fair enough OP!

FWIW you sound articulate, realistic and doing your best.

Sorry not very inspiring reply. But I have a hunch things often get better (or at least clearer) after posting. I hope for you too.

RandomMess Tue 21-Mar-17 22:27:17

You know the feeling numb/detached bit - that is usually depression!

inmyshoos Tue 21-Mar-17 22:28:45

tastytub you sound like you need a break. You have a lot on your plate. Could you do something for yourself that might help give you a confidence boost? I joined a slimming class even when my weight wasnt actually getting me down. But it gave me control in one area of my life when i didnt have it in others and losing weight boosted my confidence. Would that work for you?

TastyTub Tue 21-Mar-17 22:32:41

I joined the gym but gave up! I don't know why exactly but I haven't been back. I'm now avoiding it and I don't even know why.

InTheMoodForLove Wed 22-Mar-17 02:42:29

lot of burden you're carrying there OP :-)
GP or self referral to some fast track Access to Psychological Therapies, or call MIND - I think it is nationwide - even The Samaritans can be of some help
Yes even Therapy would be a burden to start with but within a few weeks it will help
You need to vent on regular basis with someone so you do not go and fuck up your down time with your boyfriend, keep seeing him as a me-time, as you do, and keep it separate from the drudgery of life
You are copying really well, really !!! from a single parent to another
And keep posting, you obviously have a great sense of humour - it shines through - that alone will keep you sane

Broken11Girl Wed 22-Mar-17 03:16:23

You sound depressed tbh. Ok not the worst case ever, but mild depression can spiral very easily. I would go to your GP. Get them to do blood tests - thyroid, iron, vits D, B12 etc. Low levels of those can give you that heavy, tired, no spark feeling too.

WanderingTrolley1 Wed 22-Mar-17 04:20:53

Sounds like depression, OP. I think you ought to visit your GP flowers

OneSockOn Wed 22-Mar-17 06:13:20

Aw OP, I'm sorry you're struggling. Sounds like you are stressed, and possibly mildly depressed, and maybe writing it all down and sharing will allow some clarity. You have a lot on your plate, clearly. You need to be kind to yourself. Perhaps it may help to see Citizens Advice Bureau regarding your finances? Locally we have a Health Point where you can go to discuss things, some places have a wellness hub, there's also online CBT, perhaps google Moodgym. I'm sure you are doing the best you can for your DCs, and one day they will recognise that you've been a strong woman, even though you may not feel that way at the mo.

highinthesky Wed 22-Mar-17 06:23:07

One thing at a time, OP.

Start small (I suggest the cat, and starting to exercise daily) and you'll build up the confidence to tackle the biggies.

TheFifthKey Wed 22-Mar-17 06:40:34

Come and join us on the single parent chat thread in chat! No judgement and lots of understanding.

TheFifthKey Wed 22-Mar-17 06:41:27

Oh, you NC so maybe you already are. brew anyway

ACloudCoosHi Wed 22-Mar-17 06:56:19

If writing this has helped you get a bit of clarification, then why not continue to write? (BTW, you write very well!)

My Mum once said to me "Keep Calm and Make a List". (In her defence, it was about 25 years ago, so before all the Keep Calm stuff...)

People have had some good ideas...

1. CAB - sort finances into manageable chunks
2. Weight Watchers or similar. Maybe online? Or MyFitnessPal ?
3. Contact school and push for further help for DCS
4. Go and have chat with GP - maybe depression or just in need of some talking therapy
5. Get rid of cat...?????

If you tackled one item a week (and maybe I've got the priorities out of sync in my list), then you'll gain a little more control of your situation.

Just take one small step at a time...

jeaux90 Wed 22-Mar-17 07:06:20

Hey OP. Being a lone parent can sometimes get you down. You are not alone.

Have you looked at Gingerbread? Single parent organisation with lots of advice and meet ups etc

Big hug. Xxx

thethoughtfox Wed 22-Mar-17 11:20:54

Are your children fed, clothed and housed? Yeah! You are a great mum. You are doing it. It will get easier. You are awesome xx

TastyTub Wed 22-Mar-17 13:13:37

Thanks. They have what they need but it just felt overwhelming. My boyfriend has offered virtual hugs on a text message but this doesn't actually DO anything to help. This is not his fault neither is I really his responsibility maybe this is why I push him away. I don't want to be fixed by a man. I wonder if I have the energy to invest in our relationship too sometimes.

TastyTub Wed 22-Mar-17 19:05:46

I forced myself this evening to try sort the house out a bit and talk to my boyfriend on the phone. I feel a bit better. He keeps asking me to talk about things but I don't know what to say! There is nothing he can really do. It isn't that I don't like having people to talk to but I am so self conscious about me banging on about all my 'problems' that I end up not wanting to tell people anything at all. It feels self indulgent and whiny. Had a massive chat with DC about focusing on school and got such an irritating reaction that I have politely asked to be left alone for a while. Dinner was served and now I just want some space

Luckybe40 Wed 22-Mar-17 20:03:18

OP, you sound very fed up! I don't blame you, life sounds challengingsad. I totally get everything you're saying. The thing that changed my mood quicker than anything else is tidying, 45 minutes a day on one specific job. House will soon look and feel better. And open up to your DP!

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 20:10:00

Do you think things would actually feel more manageable if you didn't have a DP?

I have fallen into the trap before of "a burden shared is a burden halved!" and then realised that actually no, it's just one more thing to add to the bloody pile.

TastyTub Wed 22-Mar-17 20:14:12

Everything is easier without a DP. I have been single for years for this reason!
Maybe I will never be ready! It's my burden not his, so it doesn't seem fair to share it with him

Bones2017 Wed 22-Mar-17 20:28:17

I think you sound amazing! You're running a home and bringing up dc. You're doing amazing! Stop beating yourself up when you're doing the best you can!

DistanceCall Wed 22-Mar-17 20:49:38

Tasty, sharing is what partners are for. It doesn't mean that you will burden him or that he will "fix" you. Just having someone to talk to helps sometimes.

It sounds like you aren't getting much enjoyment out of life right now. Is there anything you would like to be doing?

Also, how old are your children?

TastyTub Wed 22-Mar-17 21:02:36

DC are teens. I think I would just like things to feel easier. Money is one of my biggest worries. I'm looking for a new job but haven't found anything so far that pays more and I don't know whether I can mentally handle committing to study although it seems like that's my best option if I want to increase my salary.

I am not ready to move from this dating type stage to partnership stage yet. We have been together for about 8 months anyway so too soon in my mind for this kind of thing but I feel guilty as maybe I wasn't ready to date and not ready for this

SaltySeaDog72 Wed 22-Mar-17 21:57:49

OP are you actually me?

Lone parent, dd2, 12 and on the autistic spectrum and very very anxious and it gets draining, really draining trying to manage her.

dd2 is 14, surly, pushing boundaries, not giving a cr*p, not engaging sufficiently with school. I actually find her really bloody hard work and irritating at times.

ExH does have regular contact (thank goodness) but there is space marked 'Space to Rent' in the box inside his head marked 'Actual Parent'.

Work is hugely stressful, I feel like i fall out of bed, exhausted, into work and back and into 'damage limitation mode' at home then back to bed. Am exhausted and not sleeping.

Have a lovely dp with whom I've been for over a year but we don't live together (still early days) and I try not to moan to him either cos it ain't much fun that either...

It's hard. This teenage bit is hard. With no other adult to diffuse tension and stuff...

I reckon we both are doing ok really but it does feel like a very long relentless slog...

TastyTub Wed 22-Mar-17 22:02:59

The DC on a day to day level are easier than little kids but the level of responsibility that creeps over me with getting them into adulthood can feel terrifying.
Part of me thinks another adult to deal with wouldn't solve any of my problems either! Another person to look after right?

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