Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

That's it then - hold my hand?

(72 Posts)
Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:09:19

Due to celebrate 25th wedding anniversary next month .... or rather was!!

Holiday to Thailand booked....but leaving this letter for OH tomorrow.


I was looking at the email you sent to Jim last night as you asked me too. For a long time I've not checked your browser history but I did.

I see that you are again watching porn, the search was naked MILF in sauna. I cannot control you, you can access via the internet anything you want.

But I do have the choice of wanting to stay in a relationship that makes me feel inferior or to preserve my self respect and dignity and leave. I cannot and will not ever be able to match those women that excite you so much that you lie to me.

I try so very hard to please you, often at the risk of my own mental health well being. You know all to well my history, the abuse I've suffered at the hands at others and of course the abuse that I've received from you. Abuse that you've sworn has ended, including you NEVER indulge in porn again, that you have promised time after time and that it was worth in it for me. That your inability to maintain a sexual relationship with me, was my fault. You lie so much, it's shameful.

You can't maintain an erection with me, not because I'm over anxious (which given how you've been with me, I obviously am) but because I'm not slim, attractive or a “MILF”. As I've said I'll never ever be what you want me to be, I just can't. What you're watching is not real life, it really isn't. You need to address this because you'll continue to have failed relationships with such high expectations.

I feel a total sense of relief… I've known for years things “weren't right” I've voiced it, told you my fears. You've always dismissed me…but ultimately I was 100% right. I'm not what you want, you “service” me very quickly now and then to keep me quiet. It again explains my feeling of not being good enough, because it's what's happening.

I've accepted and "forgotten" so much of your nasty sexual behaviour to me. Recently you've been angry that I'm not able to move on....because you'd never do anything like that to me again. Be it nastily reject me, watch porn above our relationship because you've learnt your lesson.

On a practical note, I've booked myself into a hotel.

I'm asking you to have respect and not contact me. I need to be on my own and deal with this.

All my fears have come true.

On a positive note, my worst fears have again been founded. Already I'm facing it and will in a long time be able to deal with this.

I'm sad that the pull of the “internet” was more important to you than our relationship. Our relationship cannot continue and I now need to draw a line.

You've had countless warnings, which not even you can deny.

This has been a tough but unsurprising end to our marriage.

I'll contact you over the weekend to discuss our “next move”.

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:18:04

I feel total calm.... is this normal?

ocelot7 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:18:42

I think you need to sleep on this then read it again & edit before sending. I'd advise something much shorter and not including all the stuff where you say you cant measure up to his fantasy and about your fears etc You don't have to justify wanting to leave the relationship.

jeaux90 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:19:14

Honestly I would be relieved. Does it feel like a weight off your shoulders maybe? Xxx

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:20:00

I'm going to sleep on it, that was always my intention. I'm not dealing tonight. I can't listen to his shit.

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:20:46

Yes it is a weight off, I've known for years this was a charade.

Bones2017 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:25:56

Oh again,

Your letter is truthful and heartfelt. I felt so emotional reading it. Sounds like you've put up with a lot.

Lots of love. Let us know what you decide to do tomorrow. X

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:31:31

Thank you bones x

Bones2017 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:39:13

Trust your gut and heart when you make your decision. This is YOUR life. X

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:39:45

Sorry to bump this, but just would like opinions on the letter content please

MangoSplit Tue 21-Mar-17 21:47:19

I agree with ocelot, I think maybe something shorter and less emotional. You're laying yourself bare here, are you sure you want to do that?

Good luck flowers

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:49:43

What would you suggest? Just I'm leaving? Or I've seen the porn and I'm leaving?

I suppose I'm trying to justify my actions and why I don't want contact?

ocelot7 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:55:18

Yes - just that more or less -that you've seen the porn, he knows its a deal breaker & you are leaving. And that you don't want contact & expect him to respect that.
Agree with Mango - you may well later regret baring your soul. Hence keep it very short (also less for him to reply to/argue against).

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:58:12

Thanks ocelot I'll take that on board. In fairness he knows all the other stuff, god knows it's caused enough problems!

TeenageCentaurMortificado Tue 21-Mar-17 21:58:34

It's a very honest letter and leaves you a bit raw and exposed. In my mind it's an opportunity for the abuser to latch onto your self hurts and use them against you /draw you back in.

We all want to be loved, wanted, enough. Sometimes hearing those words are enough to be talked round, or worse, made to feel guilty by feeling them in some way.

Only you know whether you can handle him using that pull and strong enough to keep on walking no matter what he says now. AND not feel an ounce of guilt.

If you are not happy, that is enough to leave. No matter the reason.

And ugh, he sounds utterly delightful. Not!

Good luck Op and stay strong x

mysinkingheart Tue 21-Mar-17 21:59:52

flowers for you first off op

I'd remove all the bits where you say you don't measure up..he's not meeting your standards, please don't put yourself down.

I use the no jade rule: don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Factual and clinical.

Doesn't mean you don't feel sad or grieve, just that you don't tell him about that or the risk is being reeled back in.

Hope you sleep well x

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 22:05:12


Again despite all our "history" you're using porn. I know so please don't deny it.

This time it's the end of our marriage.

I've booked myself into a hotel for a couple of nights to have some breathing space.

Have some respect for me and don't contact me. I'll be in touch over the weekend to discuss our "next move"

Is that better, I get what you're saying about him "getting under my skin"

Cricrichan Tue 21-Mar-17 22:05:15

Hi op

I agree with others. Make it matter of fact. You've obviously talked about this before and he doesn't make you happy or satisfy you and he's broken your agreement which is the final straw.

TreeTop7 Tue 21-Mar-17 22:07:56

Your second example is much better.

I wish you luck.

mysinkingheart Tue 21-Mar-17 22:13:32

Much better. I wouldn't put the "have some respect for me though" with my xh that tiny bit of information on what I want/need/feel was enough to give him a way in to a conversation.

Just "I will not be taking calls".

CalmItKermitt Tue 21-Mar-17 22:16:51

Second letter much better.

FritzDonovan Tue 21-Mar-17 22:22:11

Yes, cut the 'have respect' bit, as he obviously hasn't, and doesn't seem able to change.

Againagain97 Tue 21-Mar-17 22:28:53

Thank you all, comments taken on board

MrsMozart Tue 21-Mar-17 22:42:06

Others have said wise words, so I'll just offer the hand hold.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 21-Mar-17 22:47:02

I can imagine writing the first letter felt very cathartic, but actually send the second one.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: